A little advice? - DID and Relationships

I’m not sure how to begin, so I think it best to dive right in to this post. Hopefully it will fall on understanding and welcoming ears.

I’m a 23 year-old guy, currently attending college, and I met a young woman in one of my classes. After a few weeks of chatting here and there I finally advanced things and we went on a date just last night. After a couple hours of talking she confided in me that she has been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I’m a very intuitive/emotional guy, so this explained a lot with regards to feelings I was having (I never would have guessed that she is DID though). Of course, this is an important issue, and it’s fairly new to me, so we talked about it for a little while. Our date went on as pleasurably as it was before.

She’s beautiful, inside and out. A talented artist, a thinker, funny and "mysterious" (which has been put into perspective). We talked a little about her friendships and even previous relationships. From what was said it sounds as though she keeps most people at bay, one of her major alters really doesn’t like others. Very few people know of her condition, even many of her friends, it seems. I asked how she reacted to would-be guys like myself. She said most of the time she could see where someone is taking the conversation and would tactfully divert the subject. Other times she would flat out reject them. What has confused me is that it seems throughout our friendship I have seemingly passed through most of her defenses unhindered.

I’ve been doing some research on the internet today (that’s how I found this forum), in an attempt to understand where she is coming from. I care for her and if something grows from this I want to be prepared. On the other hand, I also want to be sure that this is something I’m able to face in my life. It seems that this defense mechanism arises from severe trauma, and the last thing I want is hurt her by getting involved, only to back out because I didn’t understand enough going in.

I’m not, however, finding the answers I seek. I understand that I’m not a therapist or a knight in shining armor. If we grow closer I’ll be very supportive, but in no way do I envision myself an agent who will directly “fix” anything. What I want to know are the best ways that I can be supportive. Admittedly, I am concerned for myself as well. This is entirely new for me. Obviously there will be stressful/difficult times, but I worry that there are dangers I’m not considering.

Any personal experiences or specific links would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read.

You are to be commended for your thoughtfulness and for caring, concerning this girl. I just read your post and would like to think about it some more. But just wanted to mention a few things. In case you have not checked this one out, a good, reputable web site:

http://www.sidran.org/didbr.html

This is a web site my therapist gave me. They also have a bookshelf (recommended books) and links, etc.

You might also consider asking the girl if she has anything that she thinks may be helpful for you to read. In my opinion, it is probably import for her to be in therapy (others might disagree).

Another very good forum is

http://www.needid.bizland.com/

also

http://www.mosaicminds.org/

You will find reading material and supportive folks at both sites.

Personally, I met my husband when I was 17 (I am 36 now). Married him when I was 18. It has been a very, very rocky road (and, we have both been hurt), but still married we are.

I did not find out I was DID until a little over a year ago. I think if I had known (and him, too), it would have spared us some major grief and pain and helped explain a lot (don’t know for sure, how much – but think it would have helped) – especially, if I was in t and working toward healing (and had his support). That would have probably caused a different kind of grief and pain, but, at least, we would have known what was going on.

I think it is wise for you to consider if you want to be in this, and what affect it will have on her if you want to pull out later. That is so thoughtful of you.

Remember that she has alters. One piece of advice I have is not to push any of her alters away (they are all her), even though you may personally prefer some to others. This will not be easy for you. Some alters may not liked to be touched (b/c of what happened to her in the past). Others may be just the opposite (again, because of the past). There will be a lot to learn – but she is probably very, very special (which sounds like you are recognizing), and she could light up your life like not other.

I think you are brave. DID is curable (and, unlike schizophrenia and other mental disorders, it is not caused by a chemical imbalance, but rather, it is a highly, elaborate defense mechanism to trauma – you are right there).

Good luck, and if I can think of anything else. I will come back and post. Please let us know how it is going for you. You and she are in my thoughts. Take care.

stolen

You are an amazing person. I have a very good friend who has been by me so far the entire way, and the best advice I can give from an insiders point of view is to embrace all of the alters as said above. Ask what they need, if you can help, if you can make life a little easier for them. You must be someone special to pass through her defenses and be allowed into her circle of friends. Remember that, because sometimes things can be so frustrating for you trying to help and trying to understand. But you are right, these are her defenses and it takes a lot to get rid of those, or find new ways of dealing without those defenses that hinder. So sometimes things may come up that you thought she had worked through only to find something else has triggered it. Everything you are doing already shows you are very intelligent and very chivalrous. Thank you from the DID community, we need more people like you.

Hi, Stolen and Xebeche:

STOLEN SAID:
I think you are brave. DID is curable (and, unlike schizophrenia and other mental disorders, it is not caused by a chemical imbalance, but rather, it is a highly, elaborate defense mechanism to trauma – you are right there).

VOYAGER REPLIED:
I'd like to speak to the issue of being "cured". By that I assume you're referring to integration, either planned or spontaneous.

On Planned Integration:
It's my impression that most T's steer their clients toward planned integration. I've also heard that some clients experience a regression from planned integration back into the original state. And there may be an inner disruption of the system which is difficult to deal with for some time, due to the forced integration.

On Spontaneous Integration:
I understand that some or even all alters may, usually over a very long period of time, spontaneously integrate. There is no way to know when or if this type of integration may occur. Some T's recognize this as a viable alternative and advise the client of this option.

On Cooperation of Alters:
Some people prefer cooperation of alters, rather than integration. That is, the alters will always be there. IMO the client should be advised of this as an option. Usually a T does not suggest this, because it runs contrary to the goal their training assumes is the only "correct" one. Such a withholding of information, in my opinion, indicates either an inexperienced therapist or a subtle breach of ethics.

On Therapists (T's):
It's my understanding that the therapeutic process is supposed to help the client meet her own goals, assuming they are lawful and not destructive or self-destructive. The client, not the therapist, is the one to select the goal. I think it's important to point out that some T's do not consider the client's wishes in such matters. So I am imparting some of the information that I've been given by other multiples, about how to take charge of one's therapy experience and set boundaries and goals.

=========================

Where does the multiple stand on this subject? And is her friend willing to live with her alters for a lifetime? Is he willing to not know what choice she may elect or when? I'm not trying to be discouraging. In fact, knowing what one is getting into is wise and shows respect for both parties to the relationship. That's what I had in mind. I'm also trying to protect her from having to hear, "You didn't tell me..." or "I had no idea..." or (the worst of all) "I've changed my mind." You've already shown a lot of the qualities that will be necessary to have a mature relationship. What remains is for the two (and more) of you to work it out.

Voyager

I was actually looking for advice online myself, but since I am successfully further into a dating relationship than you currently are, I figured I’d offer up the information I have learned so far.
No DID relationship (or relationship in general) is easy…but just beginning to date someone with DID can be even more difficult. Not even the host personality has established trust with you. It’s like having to make great impressions on first dates on a regular basis (in my case…twelve.)
1) They may forget. As you date anyone, you begin to reveal more and more important information to them. Don’t take it personally if they seem to not remember you telling them about an intense personal story. It’s not that they were ignoring you or being insensitive. It’s dissociation. Think nothing of it to have similar deep conversations a few times. Eventually the information disperses to all of their personalities and is remembered (at least in my case…a lot of people say this isn’t always true.) Don’t look at it as repeating information. See how they react differently each time (and think about what this might mean) and also use the time to reflect on what the conversation means to you. It’s not often we get to revisit a subject when first dating.
2) DON’T PUSH. I’m going to repeat this a lot, because it’s the most important. Most people develop DID because of a severe trauma in childhood. This of course leads to extreme anxiety and distrust of most people. Dating is stressful enough. You have to learn to trust the person you are dating, learn their likes and dislikes, figure out how you can fit into their life and vice versa. Imagine how much more difficult it must be for them to learn to trust you. They have to decide whether they believe you can handle their DID, and also all of the personalities must independently learn to trust you. Let them push the boundaries of what the relationship is. Never initiate a discussion about “what are we?” or “what does our relationship mean?” or anything like that. Be there for them and let them know that you want to maintain the level of relationship you currently have and are open for more, but DON’T PUSH.
3) Sex may or may not happen. Again, DID arises from early childhood trauma…usually sexual. You absolutely can NOT push sex. This will most likely either scare them or cause them to shut down. This doesn’t mean you can’t initiate sex. But if they let you know they aren’t interested, let them come to you. With my guy, we had incredible sex for months when we first got together. Then the sex changed. It was different and less passionate; a different alter was in control most of the time. Currently we haven’t had sex for a few months now. I stay at his place 2 or 3 nights a week, but we only cuddle. By not pushing, you are also creating trust with both the host and the alters. Also, keep in mind that some alters are children. Sex is NEVER appropriate with these alters. This is how they got in this situation in the first place.
4) DON’T PUSH!!! Even though you don’t push, and you are being patient, the question is ultimately going to come, like it does when you date anyone: “What are we?” If they really care about you…they have been stressing about this question. They both have to make sure their alters like you, but also make sure you can handle dating someone with DID. Stress tends to cause switching, so ultimately, whether you push or not, a “protective” alter is probably going to be pushed out to deal with this issue. In my case, this protector came out and blatantly said out of the blue, “I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I think you’re falling for me.” It’s tricky for a lot of reasons. I know I had never met this alter before; he was much more blatant and aggressive. I did not know how to interact appropriately, he had much more stern facial expressions, and I had no idea how he would react. Don’t push, but be honest. I asked how he felt about him falling for me. He said he was concerned. I asked, “Because you are worried my feelings aren’t appropriate or because you know how difficult it is for people who fall for you?”
He said it was the second, because his DID makes it so difficult to maintain relationships. My exact words were, “I like you. I like spending time with you. I am a good place in my life professionally, personally, and otherwise. I do not need a relationship, but I have the positive energy to devote to one if it happens.” By saying this, I let him know that I was interested in more, but not pushing him to give me an answer now. This protective alter is like a father or close friend…it wants to know your intentions. Giving an ultimatum or seeming like you “need” them is only going to make them push you away. He looked at me with a facial expression I’ve never seen before (get used to this…hopefully find it exciting like I do, because it will happen a lot) and simply said, “That’s healthy.” He then initiated sex. He wanted to get closer to me after that discussion, so it must have been the right response. Remember, in a lot of ways it’s like dating several people. Pushing one into a relationship before they even really know you (regardless of how the other alters might feel) is not a good idea.
5) DON’T NAME THE ALTERS. This is something he has said to me directly and a complaint he had about his exes. Don’t name them. Period. Naming them makes them further distinct from each other and only makes their lives more difficult. In your case, they might already have names. With my guy, they used to have names but he said forgetting them was the single best thing he ever did for his mental health. Regardless, keep in your own mind that these are all ultimately just different sides of the same person. You may learn to recognize the “protector” from the “child” from the host, etc., and you must interact appropriately. Don’t have sex with the child or goof around with the protector too much, for example, but this is nothing different from any other relationship. We all play different roles in life and certain things aren’t appropriate in certain situations. Avoid separating them as much as possible in your own mind. It will be necessary at times, but treating them like one whole person shows respect for the host and keeps you from overanalyzing every single situation.
I’ve been in this situation for about a year now. We are not officially “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” yet but by not pushing, yet showing I’m willing to stick around through all of this is really paying off. He and a few of his alters seem to be trusting me. Our relationship is becoming deeper, we are seeing each other more often, and I continue to learn from him and our unique situation. He has told me that the other women he was casually dating no longer make the cut. So…it seems I’m doing something right. Feel free to ask me anything you want, as personal as it may be. I can give only my personal experience, but that’s a lot more than what our very small community seems to have right now. Hope this helps.

Please note this thread started in 2006, six years ago, and all the early original posters appear to be long gone from here.

Someone please remove the mosaic minds link. It takes you to a VERY sexually explicit site.

Thank you for letting me know Snuffthroostr - I edited it out now