Confronting Abusers

Hello all...

I want very much to respond to all of your comments, & I will, perhaps tomorrow, but most likely on Sunday. For right now, I want to give you all a heart-felt thank you for your replies to my post. You have helped me out so much.

rest well, Sotrsab

Full disclosure: Johnny-Jack and I are personal friends who know each other in real life. Certain elements of his situation with his family have close parallels for me and some of his posts, including those in this thread, are very painful for me to read. The story of his mother's life, her heartbreak and confusion over the painful estrangements in her family, just breaks my heart.

Riccola wrote:Often when confronting them they might denie it, put the blame on you or get hostile.

All of this is likely. I just want to say, however, that you do not necessarily have to be hurt or damaged by their response. It is possible to have a person react badly, and experience only more love and compassion for that person. It is possible to experience, even identify with the other person's defenses, without absorbing them into yourself. To be able to do this may require you do to an enormous amount of self work before confronting, but it can be done and for me it has been absolutely worthwhile.

I didn’t intend to take so long getting back to you all. First thing – thank you all so very much. I have been given much to think about & it has helped me tremendously.

Johnny-Jack:
You shared so much, I feel deeply grateful.
Reflecting back, I have my suspicions that my mom also has DID, although I will probably never know. She never minded sharing that she had been sexually abused in her past from all 7 of her brothers & that even my grandpa tried once. She was so messed up that she dragged me along to her OBGYN, still a preschooler, so her doctor wouldn’t ‘molest’ her. It was the early years that were the worst for me & yes, I remember good mommy/ bad mommy, too.
You wrote, “I told her in graphic detail the incredible cruelty of what she did to us, what I witnessed and remembered her doing to my sister, but I only told so much.” I am so proud of you for this. I can only hope that I find the courage to do like-wise. I want very much to ask her about things that I remember & I hope to receive the truth, whatever it is. In my heart I believe that she remembers what she did & made me do. It is her professed Christian faith that I am counting on to facilitate her confession in the end. My T is prepping me & at least one very resistant part for the event. I am still trying to get the others to weigh in but nothing yet & so I can understand your statement, “we knew we weren't ready but we felt sure time was running out.”
Knowing what happened in July during the discussion you shared with the mom is very helpful to me. I appreciate any discomfort that you may have experienced in sharing this with me. The ‘not denying, but asking how could she apologize for something she didn’t remember doing’ seems a likely response from my mom as well. Because I have suspected her to have DID for several years, I struggled with ambivalence big time. Is it even fair of me to broach her with this horrible memory if she wasn’t really responsible for it? Then again, because my mom has never been diagnosed, a response like that could be used to wiggle out of an uncomfortable situation, or just the truth.
You mentioned ‘talking through her host’. Brilliant! I may just find confirmation of the presence of DID in my mom by attempting this. I’ll use caution. I think the situation may present itself & I would just love it if she could enjoy the feeling of being understood, quite possibly, for the 1st time in her life.
You further wrote, “Once I understood about our DID, I realized my mother's denial of any wrongdoing and her utter confusion as to why her child would suddenly shun her was very painful and left a great wound that had never healed.” This makes sense in my mother’s case & tips the scale for me in support of my belief in her having suffered from DID. She never understood why I divorced her decades ago, & would continually send me “all her love” along with “God’s Blessings” by way of cards & gifts each birthday and at Christmas time. Also, looking back to the early years, I clearly see her differences in the way she parented, not only me but my siblings as well.
I agree with your methods of preparation & employ them as well. I lock myself in my remote bathroom & talk aloud in front of the mirror. I find this exercise to be incredibly insightful. My T asks me often to read materials aloud for the same reason; the others are listening. I agree, the more practice, the better the outcome. And, keeping my objective small is great advice. Initially, I think I wanted to do too much.
I am happy for you, Johnny-Jack, in that you were able to have a positive outcome and feel good about the end result. I have decided to speak (as opposed to confront ) my mom because I will never have another chance. Your support for me in this process is truly felt & loved. Because de@th is so final, I so want to do the right thing for both her & me. You clearly have made my coming to a decision a more comfortable experience.

Salted Lipstick:
Thanks for weighing in. I am going to focus on having a sense of peace for giving her the chance to make it right.
You also said, “I would feel that I was taking a healing step and the problem lay solidly with them. And although it's not nice to know that you never got an apology or even had it admitted that they knew what they did was wrong, it would make me feel that I had in a sense "outgrown" them and their issues and made my way to a healthier place to attempt to do what is right for me.”
So very positive!  Thanks for your support.

Blu:
I laughed out loud when I read, “Well I wrote this long reply - then apparently it didn't post grrrrrrr! So this one will be shorter.” I’ve done that twice! GRRRR!
My T has helped me to ‘soften’ the letter to my sis & I like the result. I e-mailed it to her 2 days ago. No response as yet. Glad this post may be helpful to you.

Una+:
Thank you so much for your input. You wrote, (in response to Riccola saying” Often when confronting them they might deny it, put the blame on you or get hostile.”)
“All of this is likely. I just want to say, however, that you do not necessarily have to be hurt or damaged by their response. It is possible to have a person react badly, and experience only more love and compassion for that person. It is possible to experience, even identify with the other person's defenses, without absorbing them into yourself. To be able to do this may require you do to an enormous amount of self work before confronting, but it can be done and for me it has been absolutely worthwhile.”
I am grateful for this. It is something that I my T has said a few times over these past few years, but I wasn’t ready to hear it, or maybe I heard it but I didn’t know how to apply it to myself. You are absolutely right. I am taking this to heart. Thank you!

Thanks everyone...I can now re-join the real world!