Help me sort out my brain please...

Hi guys,

I'm currently struggling with reconciling two competing concepts in my head.

In my life there are several people who:

a) have been abusive toward me and others and have damaged me on a very deep and lasting level, which makes me feel angry, resentful and sad
b) are themselves victims of abuse, which makes me feel solidarity and compassion for them as fellow survivors

It seems that more often than not, the second issue overrides the first in my head, to my own detriment. I feel these ridiculously strong traumatic bonds to certain people who I KNOW have hurt me and will continue to do so unless I break contact. Still, the bond is there, like some kind of stubborn appendage that just won't go away. It is like there just is no target for my anger and protest because all I can see in that person is another abused child.

Why can't I just be a bit more callous for the sake of self-preservation?

I think its called identifying with the abuser. YOu may need help to detach from that attitude/feeling. I hope you are seeing a therapist.

I don't think you need to be callous but you do need to care more about your health and wellbeing.

http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htm

this is a Kipling poem that popped into my head when I was reading your post.

I think it is a great think to be aware you are one in the line of-


For example, you see you can stop the wave of abuse.
You do not hurt not abuse anyone is ways youu were.

You were hurt and have all the right to say YOU did this to me YOU hurt me YOU ruined my life on so many levels.

I think the solidarity should not be forgotten, but you have to let it gather dust and... be as good of a person as you want and can be. My 2 cents.

The resolution to this conflict is absurdly simple. It is this: you can feel deep attachment, abiding love and compassion for someone; or you can feel intense rage, hate, contempt, loathing; or you can feel some combination of both positive and negative feelings and at the same time you can act to maintain boundaries with them that are very firm and very far removed from your vulnerable core. You can even choose to have absolutely No Contact with them. These are people who are not safe people for you; act accordingly and keep them at arm's length.

Embrace and accept your feelings. Act to protect yourself. Understand that feelings and actions are not inherently coupled and can be independent.