I don't have DID, do I?

Hi all,

[Posting here not because I necessarily think I have DID, but because, after lurking around here for a bit, it seems to me that this is the busiest of the dissociation-related subthreads.]

I'm wondering if its possible that I have DID or some other dissociation disorder. I'm the child of two psychoanalysts (very broadly Freudian), and I studied a great deal of psychoanalysis and psychology while in college, and so I'm familiar with all of the language and terminology here - though sometimes I think that all of my knowledge of this stuff can be my own worst enemy.

I have no indication that I have the most important symptoms of DID, which is to say, having multiple identities with different names and such, but I do go through massive mood swings in relation to stuff going out around me that does make me feel like two 'different' people at times (like right now, for example, when I have no idea how I managed to be so successful and accomplished in my life and just last semester, my first as a professional student). In addition, as I look back at emails from years in the past and think about who I've been, some of it doesn't seem like 'me,' but I'm conscious of the fact that this could just be a response to how different I feel from that now. I also don't feel as though I have a stable 'self' - I think that I've been highly adaptive to my surroundings, adopting interests, appearance, temperament, mannerisms, etc. from my surroundings - maybe in an attempt to 'fit in,' who knows. I don't have stable relationships that I can trace from birth to date, and I think my interpersonal relations have been characterized by intensity (both in terms of how I am drawn to people and then how I move away from them).

I think I do have highly dissociative tendencies, I can recall feeling a bit 'off' for most of my life and have also often told others how I feel 'out of it' at various times. I don't know whether this is depersonalization, dissociation, derealization or something else, but it's definitely there and has been a part of me.

All of that brings me to my next problem: memory. I think of myself as having a terrible autobiographical memory, with it being difficult for me to remember particular events or people and everything seeming just generally 'hazy.' If someone asks me about something I'll probably be able to generally remember it, but I wouldn't be able to think about it on my own, if that makes sense. In some ways, I think that this lack of memory makes it harder for me to have a constant or stable sense of self-identity. It's easy, as someone who has read a lot of Freud, to chalk this up to 'repression,' but I wonder what is really going on. Lately, I've been remembering a lot of negative memories from throughout my life, nothing abusive in the stereotypical sense, but more of just vague rememberings of feeling sad, alienated, or unhappy.

Despite this, as I've said, I am, on paper, pretty accomplished (I don't mean to come off as conceited, just trying to paint a complete picture of myself). I'm intelligent and when I'm feeling 'myself,' (a term I associate with the person I was last semester - outgoing, smart, socially competent, generally in charge), I don't have these problems, just a generally anxious temperament (talking fast, planning for the future, etc.). I've seen a variety of psychoanalytic therapists over the years, some who have helped things a bit and some who haven't, but I also keep having issues (the last period like this being last spring, when I was graduating from college and felt very dissociated, had persistent feelings of deja vu, was generally anxious about the future and my place in it).

All of that isn't exactly everything I'm going through right now, but I figured it can't hurt to get it out there and see if anyone has any thoughts. Thanks a lot in advance.

I have no professional advice as I m no professional.

As you write yourself,not all characteristics of DID are there.

There is however a strong feelin of not bein completely aware/present in the now.

That can come of various reasons which you prob explored in therapy?

When you write about fears, do they become on the verge of neurotic, do they keep you awake?

If your problem is rather depersonalistaion or a lack of stayin in the here and now things like Mindfulness can be helpful (if not already suggested)

Not sure if this is of any help

Love

Nina11

I'm afraid we really can't help you much in sorting this out. I would recommend that you be evaluated by a therapist/psychologist with experience in dissociative disorders and begin therapy with someone experienced in it too. It does sound like you have dissociative things going on, and they'd be best able to help you figure it out.

I'm sorry you're suffering, and I hope you get some answers and relief soon.

Well, Irishbengal, many people living with DID are high functioning. It is no coincidence that so many of the memoirs about DID are by people who have other accomplishments.

You don't sound especially dissociative to me, especially considering how savvy you are. You would be more likely than most to be aware of dissociative amnesias and identity alteration, if you had that going on. You sound like a rather normal "worried well" person. Dissociative symptoms are very common and most people who experience them do not have a dissociative disorder.

As you have exceptionally good access to resources, I suggest you don't mess around. I suggest you do locate an expert clinical psychologist who has plenty of experience assessing clients with the best instrument available, the SCID-D-R, and get yourself an expert assessment. The therapist locator on the ISSTD website is a good place to start. Once you have that done, then you will be ready to plan any next steps. Assessment first!

Good luck getting yourself sorted out.