Hi...

I'm new to this forum & I don't really use forums much but I guess I feel I have no where else to go soooo I'm here...

I'm really tired and I'm going to go to sleep but does anyone else get triggered by watching "United States Of Tara"? I barely started watching the show not too long ago and it really ###$ with me... it takes me a while to calm down, I feel all this $#%^ in my head all these emotions... I don't even know how to describe it... Yesterday I watched "Rise Of The Guardians" and that one ###$ with my head too...

I don't know if I'm making sense because I'm tired but I guess I'm reaching out for people that have been through this because I'm trying to live & deal with this and I'm having a hard time...

Its really frustrating I'm 27 but A lot of times I feel like I'm 17, I don't remember $#%^ from my life... I wish I had memories... one of them wants to kill me but I want to live ... So I've been fighting for my life against myself... I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who I'm trying to be there for her , I love her so much! I can never make a choice... I can't move forward in my life... its like I'm always going in circles... I plan out my life and I'll go hard with that plan for maybe five days maybe several weeks and then all of the sudden I change everything and do something else then change that.....

I'm scared... I'm scared of myself... I'm scared I'll hurt someone... Right now I'm scared to be around people and do anything...

One day I want to be a rapper, another day a DJ, another day I want own my own record label... another day I want to own my retail business... another day I want to be a teacher... another day I want to be someone that saves the world....

Sometimes I feel sooooooo happy but at the same time with the same intensity that I feel happiness another part of me feels pain....

blablabla


Sorry I wasted your guys' time...

Adios

Yes, that TV program is very triggering for many people on this DID Forum. When I was first diagnosed watching the program helped me see that, yes, I have DID. As if I had any doubt. I made my husband watch some of the episodes too, to help him understand what I was experiencing.

Your best next move probably would be to get a professional evaluation. No point worrying about what might be, going on not enough information. Would you like help finding a competent evaluator?

I have been Evaluated...
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder...
I ended up in the Metal Hospital twice last year and then did a 3 month outpatient program with one of them...
I was seeing a psychiatrist but quickly stopped that because they just want to put you on pills... Pills make me feel worse, I'm against medication I feel there's better natural stuff out there...
I was seeing a psychologist regularly but had to stop because I got fired from my work so I don't have insurance anymore...
I got fired from my job because I kept dissociating at work in my mind I would be somewhere else... & I wasn't meeting the quota of stuff I had to do...

I am so sorry. Can you qualify for Medicaid or Medicare (if in the US) or another assistance program?

Were you fired recently enough that you can get unemployment benefits and use those to resume therapy? Or are there any free clinics around that you could try?

Best of luck, and I'm sorry you're suffering.

I just wanted to say welcome here This is a great place for support and you are not wasting anyone's time. It is nice to meet you

I don't know, I'm going to try... I don't really know how to do the whole process... but I'll try...

Its really hard for me to stay focused and it takes me forever to finish stuff... I always start doing something and forget what I was doing, start doing something else, then in the middle of that start doing something else, then I remember what I was doing first and do that again....

I'm sorry I keep bouncing around here from topic to topic... that's just how my mind is...
I'm going to school right now but its really hard because I can't stay focused...

With my psychologist we were trying to integrate and supposedly her we were were successful several times but I don't believe her... and at the same time time I'm not sure I want to integrate. I want to be "healed" and live a normal life but if I integrated who would I be...

what really pisses me off is I don't have memories of anything... sometimes one little memory pops in my head and I try to hold on tho the memory so hard but at the end it's like trying to hold a snowflake in your hand, it'll just melts away...

-- Tue Apr 23, 2013 7:41 pm --

AlteredArt wrote:Were you fired recently enough that you can get unemployment benefits and use those to resume therapy? Or are there any free clinics around that you could try?

Best of luck, and I'm sorry you're suffering.

I tried to get unemployment but my job is trying to say I quit but I didn't quit I was fired.... so now I have t file an appeal by the 30th but I'm stumped, I don't know how I should fill the paperwork out

-- Tue Apr 23, 2013 7:43 pm --

lifelongthing wrote:I just wanted to say welcome here This is a great place for support and you are not wasting anyone's time. It is nice to meet you

Thanks for the welcome, nice to meet you too... I just feel like I'm always complaining...I try not to...

daddypain wrote:I was seeing a psychologist regularly but had to stop because I got fired from my work so I don't have insurance anymore...
I got fired from my job because I kept dissociating at work in my mind I would be somewhere else... & I wasn't meeting the quota of stuff I had to do...

Was the psychologist getting into your trauma, or letting you get into it? Sounds like you needed a lot more help with grounding and stabilizing and general psychological and emotional safety. That is phase 1 of the recommended 3-phase trauma treatment. Many of us need a lot of that before we can get into the heavy psychotherapy trauma work while still functioning well in our daily lives. Phase 2 is trauma work and phase 3 is integration. I spent more than a year in phase 1 and now mostly I am doing phase 3 and leaving the trauma alone. Psychotherapists do not all agree that phase 2 is always necessary or beneficial for all clients.

I recommend that you not watch triggering TV or listen to triggering music for at least a few months. That may mean no TV or radio. That's okay; most commercial media isn't good for you anyway. Get news in a newspaper or online, preferably from a stuffy source that doesn't use very many photos. The Economist perhaps? Drop the cable TV subscription and borrow DVDs from a local library.

What are you doing with yourself now? Are you exercising? Sleeping well? Eating healthy?

I recommend that you not watch triggering TV or listen to triggering music for at least a few months. That may mean no TV or radio. That's okay; most commercial media isn't good for you anyway. Get news in a newspaper or online, preferably from a stuffy source that doesn't use very many photos. The Economist perhaps? Drop the cable TV subscription and borrow DVDs from a local library.

I second this. We did this for about 4 months during a time we needed to get stable and it helped a lot. Can be difficult but can be very much worth it. Best of luck.

You might call the local government unemployment office and ask about getting help with the paperwork. They may be able to refer you to someone who can do that, since you are having so much trouble. It is not unusual for an employer to get rid of an employee who has begun costing a lot in medical and/or disability benefits. This is illegal, but it happens all the time. There are people available to help protect you from any illegal actions.

It sounds like you would benefit most right now from working with a social worker or counselor who can teach you basic skills for staying grounded and present.

Hang in there!