judgement day or just fire drill *TW*

on meds since 12. They couldn't handle the bad biach woman I was supposed to be and crusheded me down. And ionno why but I din't have my SpecialJacket Power then so the second part of abuse started. merci, adults.

PinkiePie wrote:It's a shrink, and I have a therapist too. So maybe they could benefit from seeing me like this but I don't know if I'm not smarter then the rest of the whole world so I can just be this pill popping animal. I didn't take those in the end, btw, on top of that I think of going of one well working antidepressant which makes me feel too 'all is fine' and I have no motivation. Fear kicks your ass.

The event I describe is my bi-polar's friend story. I was asking my bi-polar dx'd friends how bi is for them and they more or less said the same. One person I know of ruined his family life and put his family in huge debts and disappeared for days only to call from a different country.
So I am not a specialist, I compared it to what I know.

But you have bipolar and what you describe sounds EXACTLY like what I do. Well, almost, I have a minimal internal advisor whom I recently cherish. I am thinking of giving all finances, to my husband and just tell him what I plan to buy and get the money. It is humiliating. Wtf can I do?

It's still grey as f+++ here inside. The others want mad things and I am tired of blocking them. I woke up scared as hell and there were cigarette burns on my hip again. All with hello kitty band-aids.

i think it's good that you ended up not taking the meds

as for the money, you can start doing stuff like only carrying cash with you, so that you have a set amount you can spend for the day or week or something. or you can try to set limits for yourself that NO PART can go over. have the limits like written in your phone or on notes where you'll see them or something. or you could indeed give the money to your husband and go through him. when we're manic, we usually try to only carry cash, that way we're limited to only spend that, and we leave our card at home in a safe place so that when we're out and about, we can't just pull more cash or anything.

what do you mean, they want mad things? why are you blocking them? perhaps that's why they want mad things, because they're being blocked?

can you try for communication? find out why they're doing the things they're doing? what they want and why? and see if you can maybe let some of them out or work out compromises and be able to let all of them out? things tend to get a lot better when alters have freedoms and times to be themselves and such (within reason, of course). and you don't have to worry about always blocking them that way.

remember, they were needed to help you/the body at one point in time. they're still helping now. it's just that all alters usually have/know different ways of trying to help themselves cope and survive, not all of the ways work now that you're not in the same environment and not all the ways are always appropriate, and that's where you start to get conflict.

the more you can understand and learn about the who's, what's, why's, and such, the better you'll be equipped for trying to work with them and communicate with them and stuff like that.



as for the bipolar stuff...

if you have it, you have it.

and just because an alter exhibits symptoms and signs, doesn't mean you have it as a whole. (please look at the link i posted in my previous reply, i think it'd be helpful).

but if you do have it as a whole, not wanting it and closing your eyes to it won't make it go away and it won't make you not have it. it'll just go unaddressed and unhelped.

you're not "adding things on".

if you have something like bipolar, you have it. if you don't, you don't. same with DID. same with anything, really. you either have it or you don't. you don't give yourself stuff and alters don't give you stuff because the alters have been there all along too, just not always in your conscious awareness and knowledge.

so if symptoms and signs to stuff begin to surface, that means they've always been there, just hidden or buried or something. and there's no use trying to say "i don't want it" or "i refuse to "add on" more stuff".


and you don't give yourself more alters. alters are often only new to conscious awareness and knowledge when you learn about them, not to existence. so you're not going to "get" any truly new alters. any "new" alters you "discover" will only be new to your knowledge and awareness.


i'm sorry but you don't get to choose what you have. no one wants anything to begin with, much less wanting to have "more". we've been diagnosed and have rapid cycling bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD, visual hallucinations non-DID related and cause unknown, (Possible) DID (thanks to a skeptic), and i think that's it for official stuff. we suspect we may have some scale of autism, and we suspect OCD as well, but we want to get evaluated for that stuff before we just start self-diagnosing or anything. but yeah, we didn't choose to have that stuff, and we were fine with just depression, but it turns out there's more there, whether we want it or not. so if there's more there for you, it's better to know about it so that you can be aware to address it, learn how to cope with it, learn more about it and how to help yourself, etc.


- cassie (age ?)

before i read the above, I want to say what i discovered

mania occurs in BPD

so I can cool the s**t with fretting over an extra disease. God good grief that was a close one.

tomboy24 wrote:

PinkiePie wrote:But you have bipolar and what you describe sounds EXACTLY like what I do. Well, almost, I have a minimal internal advisor whom I recently cherish. I am thinking of giving all finances, to my husband and just tell him what I plan to buy and get the money. It is humiliating. Wtf can I do?

It's still grey as f+++ here inside. The others want mad things and I am tired of blocking them. I woke up scared as hell and there were cigarette burns on my hip again. All with hello kitty band-aids.

i think it's good that you ended up not taking the meds

as for the money, you can start doing stuff like only carrying cash with you, so that you have a set amount you can spend for the day or week or something. or you can try to set limits for yourself that NO PART can go over. have the limits like written in your phone or on notes where you'll see them or something. or you could indeed give the money to your husband and go through him. when we're manic, we usually try to only carry cash, that way we're limited to only spend that, and we leave our card at home in a safe place so that when we're out and about, we can't just pull more cash or anything.

what do you mean, they want mad things? why are you blocking them? perhaps that's why they want mad things, because they're being blocked?

money: I have this funny situation. I on purpose already stopped having any cards. I deal only with cash.
BUT:
altogether we have a small amount of money: we chose to live in a rich (sadly rich means better everything...) neighbourhood. This is so our kid could get into one of the best kindergardens which is also for spech/add/other similar issues. This is a very specialised place with a lot of expers working with the kids and it is SUPER hard to get in there and only under the recommendation from the national institute for problematicwhatnot children.We managed and we cling to it. Neighbourhood flat- almost half of our money. The kindergarden payment- almost as much. What stays is what little we make extra. So for us getting out of money means precisely this: no money, nada. Thus me spending on fuquin barbies for my small ones or OPI nailpolish equals being a d*ck.


As for the blocking:

They think we can create a new alter since some disappeared. I'm like, READ YOUR BOOKS IDIOTS, ADULTS SPLITTING IS RARE! So this is the idiocy I am fighting now. If someone will appear outta nowhere OKAY but stop this voting and pouting at ME because I have no such power as MAKE an alter. DOH. My Isaka seems to be back, she will whip them into some military stance and ake them do 500 push ups. What they do now is murnin about in a small room. a grey room. they have a mission, two of them, one is frozen with *TW*
the murdered baby*END*
and they meaow all the time.

You're probably rght about them trying cope OR even survive since this world inside is crumbling. They probably hope for a saviour...


r totes right with everything.

What kinda ODC do you probs have?
I don't need a diagnosis because I pick my skin-gross. My back is a big sore scab. Sorry for the visual.

yes it does

(sorry i didn't know you didn't know that otherwise i would've said something... )

but what i said is still valid...




(p.s. cassandra's been once again, this isn't the first time, suspecting that either she, we as a whole, or some alters might have BPD as well. which actually wouldn't be a surprise, but again, we're not looking to jump to conclusions and self-diagnose stuff. just another thing to add on to the list of "possibilities" that we want to talk about when we get back into therapy and get a re-evaluation planned. )

- cassie (age ?)

PinkiePie wrote:money: I have this funny situation. I on purpose already stopped having any cards. I deal only with cash.
BUT:
altogether we have a small amount of money: we chose to live in a rich (sadly rich means better everything...) neighbourhood. This is so our kid could get into one of the best kindergardens which is also for spech/add/other similar issues. This is a very specialised place with a lot of expers working with the kids and it is SUPER hard to get in there and only under the recommendation from the national institute for problematicwhatnot children.We managed and we cling to it. Neighbourhood flat- almost half of our money. The kindergarden payment- almost as much. What stays is what little we make extra. So for us getting out of money means precisely this: no money, nada. Thus me spending on fuquin barbies for my small ones or OPI nailpolish equals being a d*ck.

i don't think it equals that!

even if you don't really have the money to spend, i think it's good and ok to spend some money sometimes on things for your parts, especially littles. stuff for littles can help them so much... maybe you could set up a budget? like save a dollar or two every month or something and use that to buy stuff for littles or something? even with mikey giving me a quarter from whatever change he gets all the time, i'm able to save that up into a couple dollars over time that i can spend. so maybe you could start saving change or something? like have a change jar? and have a line that it has to be up to there before you can spend it? or something like that.

PinkiePie wrote:As for the blocking:

They think we can create a new alter since some disappeared. I'm like, READ YOUR BOOKS IDIOTS, ADULTS SPLITTING IS RARE! So this is the idiocy I am fighting now. If someone will appear outta nowhere OKAY but stop this voting and pouting at ME because I have no such power as MAKE an alter. DOH. My Isaka seems to be back, she will whip them into some military stance and ake them do 500 push ups. What they do now is murnin about in a small room. a grey room. they have a mission, two of them, one is frozen with *TW*
the murdered baby*END*
and they meaow all the time.

ah ok. i understand more now.

i'm sorry you're dealing with some tough stuff

do they need to do 500 pushups? it sounds to me like they need love, not exercise... deep down that's what parts want. even if they don't act like it. they just want to be accepted, and understood, and loved/cared for, and listened to, and acknowledged.

do you have any communication? can you try for communication? can you perhaps ask them what's wrong, what they're feeling, if you can help, how you can help, what they want, or something?

PinkiePie wrote:You're probably rght about them trying cope OR even survive since this world inside is crumbling. They probably hope for a saviour...


r totes right with everything.

What kinda ODC do you probs have?
I don't need a diagnosis because I pick my skin-gross. My back is a big sore scab. Sorry for the visual.

is there any way you could maybe help them?

i'm sorry, i don't know what totes are...


the biggest OCD stuff we have is that things have to be done a certain way, the same way, all the time. so if things are normally done in a certain order or something, they have to always be done in that order.

other OCD stuff includes:

-- having to do things 3 times (like pressing the crosswalk button, or washing hands, or checking how we've packed our backpack, stuff like that, often little things)

-- *possible trigger warning*
skin/scab picking... especially with the twins and shay, they have it pretty badly sometimes... *end possible trigger warning*

-- needing our hair to be perfect

-- needing certain things to be done before we can step out of the house (like having our makeup done- some of us won't even let anyone see them, inside the house or not, without makeup)

-- needing a bag, either our backpack our side bag/purse-thing, before leaving the house, no matter what

-- needing a hoodie before leaving the house, no matter what

-- organizing colored candy (like skittles or m&m's) by pouring them all out and organizing them by color

-- having everything straight/even, like a table setting of plates and silverware, they have to be "just right"


and that's all i can think of for now.

i don't really have much trouble with these things, sometimes i do, but for the most part the OCD seems to be really strong with others like shay, the twins l.c. and luna, and sometimes rain, and sometimes cassandra. and sometimes kat. and i think sometimes damone but i'm not sure.




- cassie (age ?)

PinkiePie wrote:on meds since 12.

That. Is some nasty $#%^ right there. Sorry to hear

Well, all the more I'd say consider coming off stuff in a controlled way, with your p-doc aware of what's going on. I can certainly relate to you wanting to find out what life might feel like without them. You've held out this long though, consider taking the time for a stepped approach?

Going cold turkey on SSRIs can leave you suicidal, benzos are equally hard hitting on withdrawal.. if not more so? I'd definitely recommend lowering the dose gradually, yada yada..

Took me a good year to come off mine. But what's one more year when you've handled such an onslaught of chemicals all this time? :S

PinkiePie wrote:What they do now is murnin about in a small room. a grey room.

Well, hell, we feel cooped up inside sometimes and we go stir crazy when we all have to stay in one place for long. I mean, when the System decloaked in Feb we all moved closer together, but soon we realised just one house was a bit cramped (and we are not that many either!) Core moved into his camper, parked out front and Mal & Dez keep driving off for some alone time.

So I imagine one room must be hard Then again, I guess every System is different, but it doesn't sound ideal.

Have you tried adding new stuff? I mean, it's not like any of you all lack in imagination, right? Maybe you could find out what's keeping you from adding new areas. You know, chill out space, nature space,.. whatever floats your collective boat. Or individual boat for that matter..

Is it that you can't agree on stuff?
Is someone scared to make your internal world more elaborate? I know Mara used to be scared because she thought if the place kept getting bigger we'd end up being even more escapist and end up catatonic or something (irrational.. but you know how fears are.. rarely empirical)
Maybe you could do a brainstorm or a mind map or just sketch out some places that make you feel calm/happy? Could mimick a place you felt safe in the past or be entirely imaginary?

Not sure if that would help but I bet I wouldn't be happy to hang out inside if I had to stay in a tiny little room with all the others..