a mother fu**ing god damn blown up, not-worth-a-peice-o-sh*t

*trigger warning*

FAILURE.
its like i wanna say just fu** the whole f**king god dmaned blown up dumba** world because no one in this holy graille of sh*t holes knows what the fu** their talking about!
like seriously?
ok i know it looks like i got ALOT of fight left in me,


but im done.

just fu**ing done with all of it!

my wonderfully horrible f**ked up day started a little like this:
you dont have to swear you know you can get your point across another way
but this day still was not the best. she started out the day throwing upuntill it was time for school and luckily, not a soul in the house noticed.then sat out of gym, which was not smart because it says in the app that exercise helps combat morning sickness, and then right after our early gym hour, went down to speak with them.
THANK YOU RENAE WAS NOT IN NEED OF YOUR SERVICE

the friking councler wasnt even there!

so from there i go down to the TW**** abuse survivor*****ETW teacher that i tell allmy deep dark scary secrets and talk to her, show her the note, and cry my eyes out some more. she told me we had to go right down to te counclers office and get this taken care of. i already feel bad because her goddaughter hung herse;f friday and then the tells me that she wont let me do that to, not on her watch, and im balling trying to teller i promise i wont that i couldnt do that to her.

*unrelated* i really like this teacher. she makes meus feel safe. i can tellher anything and i just know alll her hard times make life so difficult for her. she is the only person in my life right now who really knows what DID iis and how ot handle things and the truth,


NOT the myths.


so we get down there and she stll isnt there. but of course the one social in my school i dont feel comfortable talking to is ther and is like " are you doing ok?"
"no"
" do you need ot talk about it?"
and i look over to my teacher and she says,
" i think you should"

and so we walk up to the seciond floor in her office (which was increddibly difficult becuae these past couple weekshttp://www.psychforums.com/dissoci ... 10527.html iive been getting winded going DOWN a SINGLE FLIGHT OF STAIRS, and going up 2 with a bible in a emtal case along with fundraising candy ect. is nearly impossible.) and on our way ii handed her the envelope with the notes in it. we got u there she read them, then went on about how we need to get my alters under control! um NOO D.U.M.B.A.S. you need to get me out of this fu**ing hell house i call a home and read the part about one of my alters bieng petrified of someone coming into the room at night and TRIGGER WARNIG***CUTTING OFF HER FINGERS AND RAPING HER end tw***

i sat there and just cries when she talked about wanting to get me help on this and she dosnt want to see me hurting myself(because apparently, i was talking about the need t cut my own fingers off) im like WTF BRO??????? and then like talking about how its all my "teenage hormones" that are making me feel this way and in order to get my alters under control i have to balance my hormones........ GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i sat heer in disbelief like "really? i just got up the nerves to talk about bieng abused and this is what you interpert that as?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and from there i was completely discouraged.
all the things i thought i was going to say just fell and explodes. from here i went into "its all hopless i just give the fudge up" mode and went quiet. we sat in silence then had a disscusion.


"i want to help you i really do i dont like seeing you this way"
"....*silence*...."
" im goona call ho-"
"NO!"
"okay, why dont you want me to call home?"
*opens mouth*"....silence..."*closes mouth*
" i mean im not gonna call honey if you dont want me to, but i need to know why."
*silence*
*tear falls*
*tear falls*
-tacher tapes together papers i forgot to tape-
*tear*
SILENCE.

and it goes this way for the rest of the houruntil when its like 10 mins into the next i write her a note in maeys sketch book sayign can i go back to class please, cant alk me stqying here is pointless. and she says that if thats what i want and writes me a pss back to class. im completely down hearted and go run to find my one friend who knows about the abuse, and shes in a dance concert so she will be unavailible for the entire day. on my way back to clss i stopped byt htat teacher i was telling you about and disrupred her class, made her come out, and said
"she took t the wrong way she thinks that it was talking about hurting myslef" and i balled and balled and told her how this is it i cant do it anymore this was my only way of getting myslef out. i have no more fighting spirit left in me i cant talk i jsut cant do it and she said well fine if you cant talk to te social then you go talk to *INSERT ANOTHER SOCIL HERE* now. and i didnt.
knew i couldnt do it.
went back to class.
the trustworthy teacher of this class who knows i have DID and what it is and knows i m,ight be pregnant was a little busy. i literlay sat in a chair and did nothing for 30 mins. then she saw i wasnt myslef and talked to me in the back room and i told her how i tried to talk to the social and she took it as i was trying to hurt myslef and said
"this is it. that- taht was my only fight. that was my spirit. i cant do it again, i could barley do it the first ime. " and we talked a little more and this part ill never for get,

i just sat there in tears. i looked into her eyes, opened my mouth to say everything, and balled. just balled. and the only words i could managed wer " i cant do it"


she said she would talk to the social, but in that moment in her eyes i could see something i dont. get to see much. an adult, genuinly cared. she truely cared about me. and for once, i felt loved. i felt like all the pain in the world i was expieriencing would pass because she cared, and was going to change things for me. as broke down and destroyed i feel, i also have a little dropplet of hope. all ive ever wanted is to feel cared about. and as bad as my day went, after that it was just button OFF. and i made it through.

today about 2? people asked me if i was pregnant.
IS IT THAT FLIPPING NOTICABLE??!?!?!?!? IF I eVEN AM IM NO MORE THAN 5 WKS MAX! i think......
geeeeezzzz..........
then today i completely passed out in my 6ht hour for no reason. just collapsed. right on my desk. and slept for 40 minutes. while i enjoyed the nap, it kinda scares me i needed it, considering i slept well llast night. (i think) but im hoping that it will pass becuase i canNOT sleep all day t school.
in other fatso news, i cant eat anything sweet. or any meat. which i know i need the protien bing a growing teen but i just cant get anywhere near it i really want tacos but as soon as it hits my mouth its like GAG
AND CANDY! i luvvvv candy.....
or at the least i did now same thing, cant even SMELL any thing sweet or ill get super nauseous.

i think thats it, pretty sure those "abortion pills" arnt working mr poison!

anywhose welcome to my emotional wrekage for todya!

~jackilyn and renae

You are not a failure. You are strong and you deserve help. Please please make sure you are safe. If you are pregnant and decide to keep this baby it will be born into the family you are in now, and the situation you are in now, and that alone might help motivate you. I know it helped us when we were pregnant.

You are worth so much and we are here if there's anything we can do.
Feel free to PM again any time you want or need.

Keep trying. You will get there

-- Mon Apr 08, 2013 11:19 pm --

I saw your PM. We are here. We care.

Oh poor darling! I wish I could be there to give you a big hug if you wanted it!
This is something to keep trying at, like lifelongthing said! Please, honey, this is something that you really need. Safety and love and everything good is what you deserve and I would hate to see you not able to achieve it.
None of you are failures! Not in any way shape or form! This is the most strong thing I've heard of someone doing, in fact! This is such a huge step! You are farther in this than you were a couple days ago and I think that counts for everything! Keep it up, love!

I'm so proud, you know. Please send a PM this way if you need to, we're almost always connected.

Love,
Maria <3

thank you all for bieng so supportive to me
its not that im havin dounts anymore its that i literally canot speak whweni even think about talking about it. i think an alter might be holding my tounge. acctually, i know that i have atleast one.
lily
but i might have the entire flipping crew against me for all i know.
strong possibility that luise i spulling me back as well asthis poison dudwe. and i still havnt figured him out... all so confusing.
well lets hope tomorow brongs better luck.
im so exausted i dont think that even if i were to relive he same thing over again it would affect me the same way. im just too our of it to feel much.
other than that my body feels as if i was in a care wreck. and if my just wonderfull family* smiles fakely with twitching left eye* ever discoverediw as acctually preganant they would probly OD me becuase its very easy to do hwen my gramma organizes all my perscriptions that i have to take (havnt been diagnosed DID but have other m,ed. probs)
\~jackilyn

FaithinWrongthings wrote:thank you all for bieng so supportive to me
its not that im havin dounts anymore its that i literally canot speak whweni even think about talking about it. i think an alter might be holding my tounge. acctually, i know that i have atleast one.
lily
but i might have the entire flipping crew against me for all i know.
strong possibility that luise i spulling me back as well asthis poison dudwe. and i still havnt figured him out... all so confusing.
well lets hope tomorow brongs better luck.
im so exausted i dont think that even if i were to relive he same thing over again it would affect me the same way. im just too our of it to feel much.
other than that my body feels as if i was in a care wreck. and if my just wonderfull family* smiles fakely with twitching left eye* ever discoverediw as acctually preganant they would probly OD me becuase its very easy to do hwen my gramma organizes all my perscriptions that i have to take (havnt been diagnosed DID but have other m,ed. probs)
\~jackilyn

The tongue-holding is something I absolutely can relate to. 100%
Rest up now and try to take it easy if you can. It'll be okay, I know it will. Rest up and try again tomorrow, I'd say.
Maybe you could try writing another note or two to the counselor explaining what she wasn't understanding today so that she can help you better.
We are so, so, so glad that you have someone there at the school that you can trust and that cares wholeheartedly about you.
You are strong and you are doing more than I ever could. Today is a huge success, you know. Now you've told a respected adult your situation and the counselor now knows that something is very wrong on your end of things so at least they are aware now that there is a situation. That's fantastic!

Keep your head up! We know that you can do it!
Safe hugs for you and yours if they're wanted,
G and the rest of The Troupe

I understand about that. It's normal both in DID and in general.
Do you have any other ways you could tell her? Could you write to her? Text her? E-mail?

I hope you have a better tomorrow but know that while today was difficult it was such major major progress and we're so proud of you.

I hope you stay safe from your parents. You are obviously still in danger and if there's anything I can do to help just let me know.

Thinking of you (all).

you're not a failure

you're a strong survivor that's still surviving, still obviously strong

just because a branch breaks doesn't mean the tree will fall



*safe hugs if wanted*

**trigger warning**
(p.s. if you want, we have been through 2 abortions. feel free to PM us at any time about anything)
**end trigger warning**

- cassie (age ?)

thank you so much!
i really even if i am dont want to kill the baby. in my opinion killing it would be worse than whats happening to me an di dont know it just seems wrong for me to abuse myself like that but i can understand why someone else would do that.. lots of love from over here to all of you.

i shut down whatever i was using to hold myself back and talked to te others so hopefully better luck today gtg tty after school

Indeed, please keep us updated. We are thinking of you.
sending you strength and good thoughts,
The Troupe

I did it!!! It feels so much better now the concler was here today and it took that trustworthy teacher in there with me but I did it. I did it. She's not calling? I don't even know but this feels right feels good. I did it. I did it
~ jackilyn