An intro of sorts...

I'm new, i have posted in a few places but those posts are already lost amongst the many others.

I dont know if this will be triggering, if it is i'll apologize beforehand.

Firstly, im undiagnosed.
This if for a number of reasons - lack of faith in the medical community [i've been laughed at, abandoned and frankly not listened to] and a completely unsupportive family.
I had persued and it took me a while just to find someone who actually listened to what i was trying to say but got moved on to another new person, another new person and gave up.
It was speculated however, im either autistic or bi-polar

"then this is the wrong part of the forum"

Well, yes and no.

These "bi-polarisms" are more than just a shift in mood.
I can see why they would think bi-polar, manically high and suicidally low, but these are so far apart they feel alien to me.
They feel separate from me.
Like this other hydra-like being that lives somewhere within me [sometimes i can feel it moving]
Lately ive become convinced there is more than just the two.
I think one may have been dormant from many years ago and has "woke up" sort of speak.

I have days where i feel completely separate from everything.
Like all that exists is my consciousness.
Others its like i have extra organs, or someone elses organs.

I rarely look at myself and see myself.
I barely recognize myself.

Its like im watching my whole life being played out by someone else.
Like im living in a strangers head.

The only time i ever feel a little more "me" is when i feel like someone else [if that makes any sense]
When one of these other heads take over and everything become more primal.
When everything is far more overwhemling and the inhibition to react in a calm civilized manner is thrown out the window.

I spend 70% of my time screaming inside my own head resisting the urge to just destroy everything i can see including myself.

I know its not "normal"
But because i just sit there and get on with whatever task is set before me im seen as perfectly fine.
Until i simply snap and do stupid things like leaving home without warning and refuse to speak for two months.
or purposely deprive myself of food and water for a week just because thats how i felt and that was the only way to make things "real"
or even attempting to kill myself just because "why the hell not" [only to panic, ring an ambulance then immediately after getting in the ambulance regret ringing it. Then realise just how little i actually did matter because two days later no one had even noticed id gone anywhere]

I just... Im not sure... I want to know if other people feel this way...
Whether im right to feel like this.

I just feel like im lost in a crowded room.

These sites might be helpful to you:

-- http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.net/

-- http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.org/


They do a good job explaining things, answering common questions, listing symptoms, etc.

It's important to know that many people with DDNOS-1/DID do not realize it until later on in life, and it's also important to know that the whole point of DDNOS-1/DID is to help the host/main part "out", which would seem to be you if you have it, cope with things while seeming and acting as "normal" and "ok" as possible. This means that if symptoms are obvious, if parts/alters are known about or learned about, if trauma memories could affect functioning, that's not helping you to seem or act as "normal" or "ok" as possible, so the brain will try to hide the symptoms, hide the parts/alters, and hide any memories that could affect being able to function from conscious awareness and knowledge. Many people find more clues, signs, and notice more symptoms of DDNOS-1/DID after they start looking into it as a possibility for themselves and as time goes by, because then it's harder for the brain to hide it from them since now they're aware of what's going on, they're looking for specific clues/signs and such, and they know more about what stuff can be DDNOS-1/DID related.



This thread might also be helpful to you. It contains other helpful threads that discuss a variety of topics, from people wondering if they have DDNOS-1/DID, to discovery experiences, to common questions, to learning about alters, and much, much more:

-- For all new to this site/For all seeking help & advice: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic110069.html




We can say that from what you've written here, there definitely seems to be a very strong possibility that you have either DDNOS-1 or DID, and are on the right track for coming to this place and investigating this further.
(And DID can often be mistaken for or misdiagnosed as, if therapists aren't familiar with dissociative disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis, biploar disorder, or borderline personality disorder).


We hope you find this place helpful. You are definitely not alone in your experiences, feelings, thoughts, wonderings, or confusions.


~Mixture

it s okay to feel lost and not know what to do next.

Sometimes we need to take a step back and take some real time to see what is goin on an d tha is what you re doin.GOOD.

As for not feelin part of your body, somethin awakenin, that sounds did like but I m not a professsional so please don t take my words as diagnosis.

You need to look further into this. If talkin here helps,please do so.

As for your safety, are you safe?W ill you be okay.
Sendin you gentle hugs if wanted

Nina11

im not suicidal now if thats what you ean.
Im something but not suicidal [what that something is not not sure... full i guess?]

I've read a few of the links and followed the link in the threads that were linked too... and i guess it makes sense.
I mean the two im "aware" of started off like a bit of a joke, but while im in that extreme mood shift there is a lot that changes.
My entire outlook on life, my music tastes, my outward physical appearance looks different.
I look physically different. I dont know how because logic tells me i cant physically change just because i feel different, but i do. But that might be just me.

These "states of mind" seem to reside in physical places. One lives in the back of my head/ spinal cord.. the cerebellum if you will, and mentally appears as a head with just the spine and ribcage and has a weight to it.
Another resides somewhere in my chest and feels very bright and open like i want to physically crack open my ribcage autopsy-style. Its warm and usually i visualize it with antlers.
this one i described as having being dormant just comes across as a black mass with teeth, like a really angry dog in nature.

I often have a commentary. Just like someones inserted an extra thought in my head.
I catch myself doing stupid things like putting the plates away ill realise im putting them in the fridge rather than the cupboard. Or on the bus ill forget where i am or think im on the wrong bus [even though i get the same bus at the same time in the same place every single day.] or i think the bus is going to go in completely the wrong direction and have a little internal panic until it goes the way it was always going to go in...

I can see people who I know i know and somehow they're unfamilliar, i know i know them but i dont know how/why i know them.

I have trouble when it comes to memory, im stupidly forgetful. I forget what people are saying before they've finished the sentence. I have lost consecutive days before now.

It angers certain family members because they say i act like im on drugs or something but i dont personally see anything unusual about my behaviour, i understand im rather antisocial at times but thats just how ive always been, im happy just getting on with what im doing. I often forget how to spell, as a touch typer who looks at the keyboard out of habit its frustrating to type a word and just have gobbledegook or the wrong word entirely crop up mid-sentence]

I also do hallucinate.
I can sometimes taste colours.
I have seen things [shadows, light flashes, things moving when they were stationary] heard things [music, whispering, shuffling, tinnitus like sounds] felt things [touches, crawling, once i had the feeling of a cat brushing against my leg even though i had my legs crossed underneath myself]
smelt things [usually food smells though today alone ive smelt spray paint and an "infection" like smell]

And this is all stuff i go through on a pretty daily basis...

Time is short for us, so we cannot reply as we'd like to, but all of what you say is everyday experiences for many here, including ourselves, and is common for people with DDNOS-1/DID. (Except for the tasting of colors and such, that's synesthesia, and you don't have to have DDNOS-1/DID to have it or anything like that). Everything else you've listed here are definitely signs and symptoms of some sort of dissociation, especially DDNOS-1/DID. And it seems very possible that you could have DDNOS-1 or DID.


~Mixture

I just want to say welcome here and I think you've found the right forum to be in if you feel it helps, no matter how or why I hope you're able to figure out what you need and that you stay here if you feel it helps.

Ophelia,

I'm so sorry you're suffering. I really want to help you, but I'm not sure how.

I've been extremely lucky to always have good therapists, so I'm sure that's coloring my opinions, but being in therapy with a good DID therapist has been really great for me. I don't know where you're located and I don't want to ask, but are there organizations or mental health institutions near where you live who could give you referrals to therapists who specialize in dissociative disorders? I think that would be your best bet for finding someone who will believe you and be able to effectively help you sort things out and cope.

I hope things get better for you. And welcome!

Juniper

Really tired right now, but trying to reply anyway.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:They feel separate from me.

Yes, that was what confused me before I was aware. I just couldn't wrap my head around how those thoughts came there, and just kept coming, from 'not me'.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I have days where i feel completely separate from everything.

This is DP/DR. (Depersonalisation/derealisation). This happens in many disorders (it's even possible to get by using drugs) but dissociative disorders do have them most.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:Like all that exists is my consciousness.

Yes. After I got aware most of the time I'm not actually in control of the body, I just look, can influence, but can't actually 'do' things (if you understand what I mean).

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:Others its like i have extra organs, or someone elses organs.

This has been something that puzzled me too. I think I've had this always. It's really weird.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I barely recognize myself.

I do recognize myself, but my face just seems weird. There's something wrong. I just can't really explain what. And the look... sometimes it's really creepy. But still my own face. Really weird.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:Its like im watching my whole life being played out by someone else.
Like im living in a strangers head.

Yes. that's how I feel mostly.

What you describe about things 'you' do but can't really understand why. What I've noticed, is that I often can think what I want to do, and it happens. I think because of this I was always oblivious when another part was out. At some point I noticed I could not control my limbs/fingers/etc directly. There was always something in between it seemed. Direct control wasn't there (I have to add this all started one Friday. I noticed it Saturday. But I saw other parts write to me it was Friday, so I assume something happened back then).
You could try the same. Try whether you're actually in complete control of your body (as would be 'normal', i.e. non-DID).

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I mean the two im "aware" of started off like a bit of a joke, but while im in that extreme mood shift there is a lot that changes.
My entire outlook on life, my music tastes, my outward physical appearance looks different.

Often, it seems all like a joke. Like it's made up. Like it's just to get attention. These are distractions. Just so you're prepared. It's called denial. Everyone up here has had periods of it, I'm sure. When it happens, remember all proof you have. For example, people don't just leave the house for no apparent reason. People don't just lose days (more on that later). Etc.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:These "states of mind" seem to reside in physical places.

I've heard of that before. I don't think it's very common, but it isn't really strange in DID either.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I often have a commentary. Just like someones inserted an extra thought in my head.

So often! Does this seem to come from inside (i.e. inside your head etc.)? Or outside? When it comes from 'inside', it's more likely to be dissociative. When it comes from outside, it could also be psychotic hallucinations (but 'voices' coming from outside the head, like from someone in the same room, aren't uncommon either).

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I catch myself doing stupid things like putting the plates away ill realise im putting them in the fridge rather than the cupboard. Or on the bus ill forget where i am or think im on the wrong bus [even though i get the same bus at the same time in the same place every single day.] or i think the bus is going to go in completely the wrong direction and have a little internal panic until it goes the way it was always going to go in...

I've had this very often. Always blamed PDD-NOS. Not sure, but it may as well be dissociative.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I have lost consecutive days before now.

This is maybe the most obvious sign of possible DID. Losing whole days (or more!) is NOT to be blamed on normal forgetfulness (like, when you just seem to have skipped those days, like when you go to bed on Saturday, and wake up on Tuesday. Stuff like that.)

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:i act like im on drugs or something

I've heard that before. IIRC it happens quite often that people rehab from alcohol addiction (or the like) and then notice all the 'blackouts' were actually due to DID. I don't know whether that applies to you, but I thought I'd share.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I also do hallucinate.

Common in DID. AFAIK it's one of the side-effects.

OpheliaIncarnate wrote:I can sometimes taste colours.

This is not DID. It aren't really hallucinations either. I don't really know what it's called like... there was a thread once here... Google... Ah. Synesthesia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia
dissociative-identity/topic102924.html
In short, AFAIK it happens when connections between different senses are mixed up or something like that. It's not normally dangerous, just a bit weird.
The other things may be hallucinations. I don't really know right now... sorry, tired.

Overall, I'd say DID would make a lot sense. But, of course, I'm not a professional.

You may be interested in this thread:
dissociative-identity/topic65082.html Dissociative Experiences Scale

Ok, that was really long. I hope it was useful to know you're not the only one experiencing all that.

^ ^ Score of 75 this time.

Hi and welcome to this forum hope you find some of the answers.