petrified TW

Trigger Warning*rape, nightmares, pregnancy, an abusive home



It sme jackilyn and i kno wits unusual for me to b eanything but cheerful. Unless im having a fit of denial, im usual the happiest of our group.

Not today. I hav ebeen keeping this locked inside all day.
i want to cry.
Just ball my eyes out.
Now that i say it i am
of course when i tell others to stay strong i fall apart.

I have never doubted my dreams.
i dream about my alters and our inne rworld.
I dream abou tthe past, the present, the future, and my mind.
My dreams are never irelaeavent.

Im scared

Last nigh ti dremt i was back in school.
I dreamt i was pregnant.
Now ive been gaining weight. No apparent reason. None around my arms and legs, no thos eare nice and healthy.
but my stomach is getting big. Soon people will notice. Say im gettin fat.
Im scared. PETRIFIED.
Its possible.
I always knew my family had something off bout them.
When amy told me about bieng rapedi tol dher it wouldnt happen again.
Did i lie?
Is it still happening?
Am i in danger still?
I fim pregnant, ill know in about a month.
ill know fo rsure in maybe two?
My cycle is late.


If i am, i WILL get called a slut.
All the students WILL talk about me.

What about the baby?
Ive never seen a OBGYN in my life.
if my home is still lik ethis, who knows what will happen to a little baby.


It seems to fake! I grew up GOOD!
So what if i hav ea couple abusive memories..... so what if i get slapped around...


my

i said everything will be alright.
Now?
Im not so sure anymore.

unfortunately, it might be possible that abuse has happened recently, or is still happening. are you in a safe environment? are abusers still in your life? are there still possibilities for the body to find itself in unsafe places, with unsafe people?

i'm so sorry you're going through this. but rain tells me and cassandra, and everyone really, some good advice. "don't worry about things until there's something there to worry about". meaning, don't stress yourself out unless you know things for sure. unless you get a pregnancy test, and it tests positive, do not stress yourself out worrying about the what-if's, or anything like that, because it won't help anything, and it'll only make things worse for yourself. i know it's hard, but try to keep your focus elsewhere, and try to not let the worries and wonderings overtake your mind.


it's possible as well that you so believed your dream in being real, or something like that, that your body is responding to it and treating it as if it is real. the mind is a powerful thing. if someone starts to believe and think that they are pregnant, the body can start responding to that, and start gaining weight, stress can make periods late, stress can cause pregnancy symptoms like nausea and such, it can be hard. so try to give yourself and the dream the benefit of the doubt until there's proof, like a positive pregnancy test or something. not a late period, not a suspicion, not gaining weight, that's not proof. they're possible signs that can have other explanations and causes.


it might seem fake. but the reality is there, waiting for you to see it. getting slapped around isn't a good home, or environment. that's not supposed to happen. EVER. having any abusive memories isn't supposed to happen, EVER. those are signs of an unsafe home, an abusive home, and i'm sorry that you have to experience that. *safe hugs if wanted*


as for everything else, people talking about you, getting called names, what to do if you are pregnant, etc., do not worry about ANY of those things until there is proof for sure in front of your eyes, a tested-positive pregnancy test. otherwise, you're only going to stress yourself out, and then if it turns out you aren't pregnant, all that stress will have been for no reason.


as for getting tested, i don't know where you are, but there are often affordable pregnancy tests that you can do yourself, and if home isn't safe, do them and throw them away someplace else, like a library bathroom or something. there are also places, at least where we're at, that offer free help and pregnancy test to girls and women (like planned parenthood i think is one of them). until you get tested and it shows positive, try to not worry or stress yourself out over any of this, because it won't help anything.


*safe hugs if wanted*


- cassie (age ?)

that was great advice.

if you re scared, can you discuss any of this with your doctor?

Bein pg is hard work for the mind and body.

Keep talking

love

Fabio

I'm thinking of you and I hope you're feeling calmer or have gotten some clarity.
(safe hug) if wanted.

doubt anyone still follows this post.
have no clarity.
still could be, still might jus be late.
\i dont even know what im supposed to think. wanna cry all night long. but i cant. not tonight. i odnt even know why. just forget i was on here.

i'm still following

i'm sorry you don't have clarity yet

try your best to not worry and stress yourself out over it until you know for sure

and take care of yourself, don't be too hard on yourself, and definitely take some "you" time when you can to rest and such

hope you feel better soon




- cassie (age ?)

We follow your threads, dear. We simply don't have much to say all the time. We are sorry you are having troubles, though.

Keeping an eye out,
The Troupe

Here and following.

I'm sorry you don't know yet. Is there a planned parenthood in your area or any other providers of free pregnancy tests?

Thinking of you

We've been following, too, but we dont always know what to say. But I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Hope things start looking up soon. *safe hugs if wanted*

No not around here lifelongthing:/
My friend was suppose to have it by now, I have her 10 freaking bucks

But it's a day by day battle because every time I have to pee it's like ok now everything is gonna get cleared up but it dosnt. And even then I doubt I would believe it

I feel so bad because of all the drama I caused at school. The trustworthy teacher and I had a very serious discussion about pulling my act together at school. I wish she could adopt me she's a better parent than my own mom. But she's right this past week I've spent more time running around than I. Class. And I am at school after all. Well actually right now I'm on break for a week. But the point is, school is a place for education not meltdowns and especially when it's such a public place, your making a bad reputation for yourself. I can do better. And right now it dosnt matter what's goi to happen about home because we're at the calm part of the cycle. So I should be? Calm.


Another note, does anyone know about how this could affect my OCD because in being really weird lately. Like cleany weird because ussually I'm just organizing but now I'm cleaning cleaning like reorganizing my room sanitizing stuff and washing my hair everyday (ussually don't because of my type of hair is really weird)


And I don't hate pink

I acctually found myself calling pink adorable.

I ussually hate pink,

Omg what is wrong with me


~jackilyn