FALLING APART

HI,

I JUST STARTED TO WORK ON INTEGERATING. MY "T" SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING. HE GOT THROUGH SOME OF MY ALTERS DEFENSES BETTER THAN I CAN.( KIND OF SCAREY!) I HOPE IT WORKS. MY "PARTS" ARE SO DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER, I DON'T SEE HOW IT COULD HAPPEN.

SOME OF YOU TALKED ABOUT ALTERS JOINING NATURALLY IN TIME. I CAN'T LIVE WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW. I KNOW I'M PROBRABLY WANTING TOO MUCH TOO SOON. IT'S JUST THAT SOME ALTERS ARE SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM EACH OTHER, AND THEY'VE BEEN WITH ME A LONG TIME. I TRIED TO GET A LONG, BUT HAVEN'T HAD MUCH SUCCESS.


CAN ANYONE RELATE
BENNY

Benny,
In my experiences I have found out some thing about integration. Years ago I couldn't stand my life with alters. My life was a mess. So my therapist tried to introduce each alter to the rest of us, hoping that all would would instantly integrate......which a lot did. The long range problem with this is that all of the forced integrations came undone, meaning they became alters again. I think I had one blissful week where most were integrated then they all dissociated again,

So I would caution you. If the alter is not ready or willing to become integrated your work will most likely be in vain.

I hope this doesn't happen to you. I was just pointing out what I have experienced.

Sweetngentle

According to D and Frank, thats basically what happened to me. I don't remember much of anything, so I'll take their word on it. Intense therapy at a young age (guess thats why I hate the idea of therapy), forced intergration, slowly unraveling. Well, D never fully intergrated, we're like partially together, or something. But Frank so far is the only one to actually reammerge. Unfortunately, D thinks one of the dangerous alters is on the verge of reammerging. And when I say dangerous, I mean one's a homicidal maniac (the one D expects to show up again) and the other is an arsonist. Being multiple doesn't bother me one bit, but thought of one of those two alters making a comeback tour scares the hell out of me. Christ, I really wish I was making this up.

Hi, Benny. I'm stolen. Don't think i've talked to you before. I'm fairly new to the dx'd of DID. Was told it was probable about a year ago and officically dx last summer. Just recently started working with a t who specailizes in trauma and dissociative disorders (after going through 4 ts this years) Things are tough and feel things are going haywire (although, i'm quite sure this t knows what she is doing).

I am in a different place than you as i don't think i could function (or, exist) without my alters. So we have made communication and cooperation the goal, which my t says is a worthy and realistic goal of healing as well.

When it comes to integration, I know on other forums i have heard people relating that it is best to let it happen naturally, that the alters will know when it is time, and not to push because it won't work and it won't be what is best. I think this would make sense. Anyway, just wanted to say hi and let you know i am thinking of you and your situation and hope your system does what is best for you and yours. Take care,

stolen

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING!

I CAN RELATE TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID, SWEETNGENTLE, MR BATES AND STOLEN. IT IS SO COMFORTING TO KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE, AND CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THERE.

I HAVE ALTERS THAT REALLY WANT TO INTEGRATE, THEY CAN'T LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE. AT LEAST A COUPLE ALTERS DON'T WANT TO DO THIS AT ALL. THEY HAVE BEEN WITH ME A LONG TIME. THE BAD THING IS ONE OF THEM IS HOMICIDAL, AND VERY VERY ANGERY. THE OTHER IS SUICIDAL. ONE IS IN COMPLETE DENILE. I HAVEN'T TOLD THE "T" EVERYTHING ABOUT THE "BAD" ALTERS (OR ANYONE ELSE) YET. I'M AFRAID HE'LL FREAKOUT AND WANT TO LOCK ME UP.

I HOPE IT WORKS FOR ME EVEN THOUGH SOME DON'T WANT TO COOPERATE I JUST CAN'T GO ON THIS WAY, AND I DON'T KNOW IF THE OTHERS WILL EVER WANT TO INTEGRATE. THE "T" TOLD ME NOT TO FIGHT THEM. I'M AFRAID IF I DON'T THEY WILL TAKE OVER. NO TELLING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN! THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME TOO!

THANKS AGAIN, AND BEST WISHES TO YOU!
BENNY

Benny,

Sounds like you guys are really struggling there. Do you have any sort of internal safety contracts? We are working on establishing some of those. Isn’t working for everyone, but some things are better than they were, and I think there may even be a couple doing SU/SI patrol.

I have one i don’t know much about, except he carries the rage. Fortunately, he is kept in a cage.

I know what you mean about not telling t everything. I do the same thing for the same reason. But i hope your t knows there are a couple who could cause harm. Maybe he could help with that. Maybe he is helping with that.

Might be the ones that want to integrate are ready to, and maybe that will help some. I still think if they are not ready, it may be better not to push. I once heard the phrase ‘trust internal wisdom’ and I’ve been thinking about it since, but I don’t know. Only you know what you can and cannot live with. I am wishing whatever is best for you and yours. Take care. Stay safe.

stolen

HI STOLEN,

VERY GOOD ADVICE! THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN GETTING TO KNOW MY ALTERS BETTER, SINCE WE'VE BEEN WRITING THINGS DOWN. I'M FINDING OUT A LOT ABOUT THEM AND WHAT THEY WENT THROUGH. WE HAVE A LOT TO SORT OUT. IT'S ALOT WORSE THAN I ONCE THOUGHT. IT'S KIND OF FREAKING ME OUT. IT'S JUST SO DAMN SAD.

I STILL FIND IT HARD TO BEVIEVE. WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT! NOW, I FEEL DIFFERENT. I DON'T KNOW WHY, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYTHING HAS CHANGED. I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I AM MORE AWARE OF THE OTHERS. I'M AFRAID TO TALK TO "NORMIES". IF THEY EVER FIND OUT, I'M AFRAID THEY WILL LOOK FOR WHICH ALTER IS OUT, LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK SHOW.

I LIKE WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT SOME OF THE ALTERS GETTING TOGETHER. THAT WOULD HELP SOME. I THINK MAYBE WE COULD DO THAT. THANKS AGAIN FOR THE THE GOOD ADVICE!

BENNY

Sort of relate. I really didn't care too much about Frank till I actually met him. I think after he went back to sleep that night, I just about broke down and cried cuz it was just so damn scary, despite the happy ending of befriending Frank. As for notes and such, Frank's not the type to write things down. I learned everything I needed to know about him by talking to him. And I'm fully co-conscience with D (as opposed to co-conscience with Frank only when he's awake and I'm awake), so he doesn't really need to write anything down, we just talk.

MR. BATES,

I KIND OF HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE WITH ONE OF MY ALTERS. HE/SHE(DOESN'T WANT TO BE EITHER SEXUALLY, BUT RELATES MORE TO BEING MALE EMOTIONALLY), IS SO ANGERY AT THE WORLD HE DIDN'T WANT ANY HELP AT ALL. WE'VE ALLWAYS TALKED A LOT,( USUALLY FROM DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE FENCE). I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD COOPERATE IN JOURNALING, BUT HE DID, EVENTUALLY. NOW HE WRITES OFTEN, AND SAYS A LOT. I HOPE THAT MEANS WE ARE GETTING CLOSER TO BEING ON THE SAME PAGE. I SEE WHAT THE "T" MEANS NOW BY NOT PUSHING IT.

IT CAN BE SO CONFUSING. I CAN SEE NOW HOW IT HAS AFFECTED ME POSSITIVELY/NEGITIVELY MY WHOLE LIFE. THE MORE I GET TO KNOW THE OTHERS, THE MORE I REMEMBER ABOUT MY PAST. IT'S KIND OF LIKE PUTTING TOGETHER A QUILT. IT MAKES MORE SENSE NOW, BUT CAN BE REAL DEPRESSING.

MY CONFIDIENCE LEVEL CHANGES WITH MY ALTERS. SO I NEVER REALLY KNOW IF I'M GETTING BETTER OR NOT. THE CHILDREN ARE VERY SCARED AND INSUCURE. MAYBE NOW THAT I'M MORE AWARE OF WHAT'S GOING ON, WE WILL GET BETTER MORE AS A WHOLE. I HOPE SO!

I THINK I STILL WANT TO INTAGERATE, BUT SOMETIMES WONDER IF I'D GET LONELY. WE'VE BEEN LIKE BROTHERS AND SISTERS FOR A LONG TIME. I WOULD MISS THEM. I GUESS THEY WOULD STILL BE THERE IN A WAY, AND I'D STILL HAVE YOU GUYS TO TALK TO. HAVE YOU FELT THAT WAY?

BEST TO ALL,
BENNY

Yeah, I think not having my alters around would be really awkward. Especially if D left, considering how long I've been friends with him. And yes, that is part of the reason why all 3 of us don't want to see a therapist, we're afraid the therapist might try to intergrate us (like when I was younger, if you read that tale on my thread.). That and risk the chance of the asshole awaking some or all of the other 6. I think I might have an idea for opening up communication with Frank (without having to stay up to 4 in morning ). He likes to use my phone, so I figure if I txt my phone before I go to bed, he'll get the message (and hopefully respond). And yes you can txt yourself, I tried earlier today (when the idea popped into my head). You're very lucky to have your memories come back. Bad memories are better than no memories.