So very ashamed...*tw*

This is Desiree. I'm feeling so very deep ashamed. Alysone had her physical this week and it triggered my memory of bad things happening down there stuff getting put in and its hurting so much. I'm beginning to believe T that I did nothing wrong, but why do I feel so very ashamed? It's like when Shamer gives our shame after s*x but 10 times worse or 100 times worse. I'm so disgusting cus I liked it liked the pain when he stuck the brush in but maybe I didn't really like it after all and only liked it cus he said I did. I'm so confused! I just want to go back to before I had the memories and just wanted s*x then it was good and now all these yucky feelings and hard stuff to talk about and the shame so deep. How do I make the shame go away? D

-- Sat Mar 23, 2013 2:49 pm --

I didn't get to finish.

When I feel all this shame I just wanna die. But they wing let me so I'm stuck with these yucky feelings. Shame to the core of me. Disgusting to the core of me. Pain to the fire of me. It needs to end. I want to end it all. And all this time with no s*x just majesty me wanna die. How van I get rid of being so ashamed? Desiree

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much shame, and you don't deserve to feel that. You have done nothing wrong. Have you asked Shamer how he deals with the shame? Or asked Alysone how she deals with it? To see if maybe they have some healthy coping mechanisms?

We don't deal well with shame in our system yet, but we are doing better by trying to take care of ourselves, even if that's the last thing we want to do right then.

I'm thinking of you. I hope someone else can help more.

Shamer is the one that causes the shame most of the time. I've never felt it from.him until now. Alysone is just numb to it all so I'm stuck with it. It's yucky and there aren't even enough words I can think of to describe it. Thanks for thinking of me. Desiree

I'm so sorry you are hurting Deriree. I wish I had some wise words for you that might help a bit but I don't. Only thing maybe is this: I'm stuck in my system acting out & doing stupid stuff that I would never otherwise do to avoid getting to where you are now - even though I know that I need to get there. I'm proud of you for having the courage to get there. (I'm still a coward, hiding out.)

Therapy is a process, as you know. It's the yucky parts that make us appreciate the not so yucky parts a bit more. I want you to find something that you love to hold - maybe a teddy bear - and cry it out. You deserve to finally be free of it.

Hard as this is to hear (& to say even), you didn't like it any more then than you would now if that abuser was harming you in the current moment. Our bodies respond to sexual touch/abuse in ways that are out of our control, just as our bodies would respond to anything else; the shock of a static sweater; a loud noise; a cool breeze; a misguided softball. How your body responded is normal for the activity. It means nothing. I understand that it is a huge factor in how we shame ourselves because we think we must have enjoyed the dispicable event if we got aroused by it. That is BULL!
Please don't let yourselves go down that road. Easier said than done but just refuse it with all your might. Cry because you deserve to cry about what was done to you. Cry because you were let down by someone's selfish disgusting twisted needs. Cry because your precious innocence was stolen from you. Cry because it hurt like hell. Cry because it's healing, but ***please*** do NOT cry because you did anything wrong because you didn't. Wrong was done to you.

I wish I could be there in person to comfort you. Sometimes you just need to see it in the eyes. Mine are saying I care about this particular pain the most. You are not shameful for what you were made to endure or how your body responded. Say it to yourself until you believe it. It's that important...Sotrsab

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Thank you Sotrsab for your kind and caring words. You gave good ideas. I can't cry though its too dangerous get hurt even mire when I cry. T gave me a little statue that o got to puck out so I usually hold that, but we're away from home this weekend and I don't have it. I will try saying those good things to myselff though. Thank you. Desiree

You're most welcome. I'll be thinking of you. Feel better...