Disclosing DID to partner's parents?

We are considering disclosing our DID diagnosis to our partner's parents but we are quite worried. They are very forgiving of people "being different", but very much so against people "being different by choice" (be that piercings, or weird hobbies or anything that isn't relatively mainstream). The fact of the matter is that DID isn't a choice, but whether or not they will feel that way is another story.

What are other's thoughts and experiences with this?

Do the parents tell you about their own diagnoses? If they don't, I would refrain from telling them yours.

Indirectly theirs have been mentioned - but they are of a physical nature, and is of course then a more relevant topic of discussion at times.

They do know I have OCD (as if I could hide that) and that I have/had selective mutism (again, can't hide it) and that I have a major trauma background (hence why I can't give them all that much information about past locations, my family of origin etc).

Her mother works in health care and have just said "well that's to be expected when you come from a bad background", but they are a very distant family in a sense. They don't share too much emotion.

The reason for telling would be so that our SO would be able to share more about the life she's building with several of us. Most of us, on the other hand, feel uncomfortable because in essence - call it what you will, but this is a disorder of sorts - and to tell them about a disorder I/we have, feels very private when it's not necessary.

We will see though.

You don't have to present your multiplicity as a disorder. Also, your SO might get the most mileage out of simply talking openly about your having different parts, and enjoying your different parts. Your SO can even refer to your parts by their names, and SO's parents still might not cotton on to what that reveals about you. Think of how many people have multiple nicknames, who are not multiples as far as you know (!!?).

I know it is hard to remember sometimes, but people who do not directly experience it directly can barely grasp the details of our peculiar subjective experience of multiplicity. They don't notice anything or, if they do notice, they don't stop to think much about it.

You don't have to present your multiplicity as a disorder.

I agree.

I know it is hard to remember sometimes, but people who do not directly experience it directly can barely grasp the details of our peculiar subjective experience of multiplicity. They don't notice anything or, if they do notice, they don't stop to think much about it.

They have met several of us and while they do notice little differences - they, of course, don't think "oh it's probably DID". We would rather keep it this way. Our SO is the one who would like to tell them about the DID - in full. I don't really know how to describe DID to someone who already knows loosely what it is without it being (a) like a disorder or (b) feeling quite invasive to my/our own privacy.

We are considering what to do though.
Thank you for your replies

I have a very loving relationship with my housemates parents and they know I have been diagnosed with something called DID because their son (my housemate) was still living there when I was going through the diagnosis. They don't understand DID at all and we don't talk about it. They know I have been through child abuse and they know I am as of 7 months estranged from my parents. They know I get very depressed and don't see them very much when I am very low. But I don't feel able to tell them all the intricate details of my life. They are of my parents age and it just brings back way too many bad memories of trying to explain my mental health to my own parents. Does your SO have someone he can talk to about it or is he looking for support from his parents? Is that why he wants to tell them? I wouldn't say don't do it and I wouldn't say do because a.) it's not my place and b.) it is so dependent on the parents themselves and I don't know them from adam! So the point of this post -- not really sure lol. Just, yeah. Good luck with this decision!

-B

i think as long as you are careful and cautious about it, and have credible information to show them maybe, and fully explain what it is, how it develops, why it develops, etc., and such, then it should be ok. but it definitely needs to be thought about carefully and planned out and stuff.


- cassie (age ?)

I told someone recently outside the mental health field, so to say. (The first person, outside my mother). For reasons I'd rather not share, she is legally not allowed to speak about it (without asking first), and she told me she has had problems too. So I felt quite safe to tell.

How I explained it, was like this. I first asked whether she knew the term 'dissociation' (not, what I expected). People don't usually know the word 'dissociation', and if they know, the likely know more (up-to-date) about it. So, that's a start, I think. Then I went on to describe what it was - without giving it a name (yet). I told about how 'parts' (in a sense) are normal in children (they can forget things easily, for one) and how they normally integrate and become ego states. I told about what ego states are (like, how someone is different, for example, at work and with friends) (actually, I told about the ego states first). I told that normally, the 'parts' in children become the ego states. But that it fails sometimes, due to trauma. And that those 'parts' still develop, but more separate, and become self-aware (to a degree, depends on how strong the dissociation is). And then that they can talk among each other. And that they have names (most, at least). And an age. And that they can become quite different. This way, I've explained it like something quite normal, not like something rare and weird and such.
I have never used the word 'alter'.
(I hope this is all right, what I explained...)

I hope this may be a way to explain it in a non-'weird' way (not that DID is weird, well it is, but by explaining it by how it develops maybe the parents won't see it as something so much out-of-ordinary).

-us?

Im a private person, so I personally do not want anyone to know. Even tho I know about my SOs family issues- I would never tell them about the DID and family history. I can hide it prety well so it's not something that requires an explanation if I've switched and I have. Go with your gut feeling. You say you're not that close and you say that you are not really comfortable with it but thinking about it becasue it might be beneficial to your SO. Ummm, that raises red flags for me and even though I wouldn't say you should or shouldn't based on a post- I would think about what you would have to gain by their knowing and would could be the downfall. Would they still accept you? would they be supportive of the relationsip or do you think they might interfere and cause issues that could separate your support system? I think those are the biggest questions you have to answer within yourself first. Protect yourself first and SO's needs second as you have more to lose.... Just my two-cents>>>>

Thank you everyone

I have a very loving relationship with my housemates parents and they know I have been diagnosed with something called DID because their son (my housemate) was still living there when I was going through the diagnosis. They don't understand DID at all and we don't talk about it. They know I have been through child abuse and they know I am as of 7 months estranged from my parents. They know I get very depressed and don't see them very much when I am very low. But I don't feel able to tell them all the intricate details of my life. They are of my parents age and it just brings back way too many bad memories of trying to explain my mental health to my own parents. Does your SO have someone he can talk to about it or is he looking for support from his parents? Is that why he wants to tell them? I wouldn't say don't do it and I wouldn't say do because a.) it's not my place and b.) it is so dependent on the parents themselves and I don't know them from adam! So the point of this post -- not really sure lol. Just, yeah. Good luck with this decision!

Thank you for sharing this, it helps.

I think the issue at hand is that they do work in the health care field (both her parents and sibling) and they do know some things about it. Her sister doesn't know about our DID but we have discussed DID before because I am the partial/closest caretaker of another DID system who lives in a ward. This has come up sometimes because they would call a lot and there was a lot to do. She thought DID was the most perfectly natural response to trauma. No problem there. I would be much less insecure about giving this information to her - the only problem being that she would tell her parents everything, and in turn making this point mute. So back to the parents - they know bits about what it is (at least her mother) but not much - but I don't think they would just go with what we'd say. I think they would look it up, and only being native speakers - I know what comes up if I search for DID (or this country's equivalent) - and it's not very nice. Here it is mostly unheard of (I never heard the term or heard of any meaning, Sybil or otherwise, until very close to getting my own diagnosis) and I don't want the information she would get to be 1980's MPD stuff.

She doesn't have someone to talk to about us being DID other than health care professionals (she has her own) but this doesn't seem to be the issue really. The reason she wants to tell them is just to include them more in our lives. We visit them often, talk to them often and while they are very distant in behaviour, they are also very close in, well, their proximity to each other. They like to be around each other and share aspects of their lives, even if not on an emotional level. This is perfectly reasonable of course, but gets complicated by the fact that this is, in the end, a disorder I have - and not one I like to share with other people for no reason.

Im a private person, so I personally do not want anyone to know.

I feel much of the same.

I can hide it prety well so it's not something that requires an explanation if I've switched and I have.

Again, I feel much of the same. They have met 5 or so of us I think and we do regularly switch while we are with them. They've made a comment to our SO that "it's hard getting a grip of who I am sometimes" but they've never mentioned anything pathological or anything like that. There's been no reason to explain difference in behavior or anything before, nor is there really now (at least for such reasons).

Would they still accept you? would they be supportive of the relationsip or do you think they might interfere and cause issues that could separate your support system?

These are my worries really. I think it depends on how they view DID. As stated before, they're very forgiving of problems or differences that aren't of your own doing (e.g not your own fault). Literature about this in this country is faulty at best and might well have them end up with thinking this is me just "trying to be special" and therefore not accepting me nor the relationship. On the other hand, it might make sense to her and give me further acceptance. Hard to know in advance, and even harder to trust when you're not the one wanting to tell.

We've talked with our SO about this many times and she respects our decision, when it comes down to it. She wants to include them more, but does realize that this is our choice to make in the end. This is our disorder and our healing and our life. She has also responded to the fact that we want them to get to know us as a person before getting to know us as alters - because jumping right into alter territory might scare them and make them unable to relate to any of us. We're hoping to build a solid relationship with them first and then tell later on if necessary. We are still considering things though as this does come up from time to time.

Thank you all for responding.