Doubts *trigger*

Hi everyone. It's been quite awhile since I've posted on here and probably new for some newbies that have joined and welcome to all that are new My name is Ashley. I had been feeling pretty stagnant in therapy and in my life in general which is probably why I suppose I havn't posted much. I do come on here periodically and check in to see how others are doing. I don't know what's changed in therapy but I think that I have found a little girl part. It started with a relaxation exercise my therapist had be do after a certain memory of one of my grandmothers glass figurine dolls came into my mind which is something I had thought I'd forgotten about. I was picturing the doll and then was asked to look through the house which is were I also used to live and I saw myself as a little girl sitting on the floor in front of the t.v with my cousins. I was standing in the doorway lookin in the room and she was staring up at me. I felt her feelings and she had this look in her eyes like I've been ignoring her or that she was lost.....IDK it was kinda strange.

The next therapy session my T was asking me to try to communicate with her but I feel really stupid. I realize at least that this is either all completely in my head or maybe it's for real....He asked me to try and get in contact with her during our session and so I closed my eyes and saw her. I started to go away and felt like I was floating and then I felt possessed like someone was trying to talk out of my mouth but I resisted. I felt like someone was invading my body and it felt like a little girl. I don't know how it I'm able to push her back but I can.

My therapist wants me to open communication with these parts and after I saw her, I also saw two others. One is of me when I was 7 yrs. old and the other is what feels like a demon and is really dark and feels evil. They look like images in my head but when they "come out" I feel like they're becoming me or are trying to invade my body and I am going away. Where am I going to go?

When I feel myself start to go away and am cognitively aware that I'm dissapearing I start to become very afraid of where I'll go. Will I black out? What if I don't come back? What if I need to be hospitalized? Who will take care of my son if this happens? I don't want to lose my sanity....I don't lose time that I'm aware of. I do forget conversations or even when I did from day to day and have amnesia for most of my life but I just feel scared at wtf is going on in my brain.

For years and years I wanted a Dx what was wrong with me. Finally, when someone told me I had a trauma disorder I felt like things made sense, then I was diagnosed with DDNOS and now that this is happening I'm stuck wondering if it's all in my head. What if I was so desperate to get better I made up an illness in my mind and all of this is pretend and my therapist and I are just crazy making together and I'm going to destroy my family because of it? I need some helpful advice from your friendly people I feel so lost and confused. My T wants to begin communication work tommorow and I don't know if it's even real.

brandonsmom777 wrote:When I feel myself start to go away and am cognitively aware that I'm dissapearing I start to become very afraid of where I'll go. Will I black out? What if I don't come back? What if I need to be hospitalized? Who will take care of my son if this happens? I don't want to lose my sanity....I don't lose time that I'm aware of. I do forget conversations or even when I did from day to day and have amnesia for most of my life but I just feel scared at wtf is going on in my brain.

you might black out and lose time, you might not. it's different for everyone. as for where you will go, don't worry about it. most likely you'll either go to "sleep" inside or you'll go to a safe place within your mind. with DID/DDNOS-1/DDNOS, you've been living with this since childhood, so there's nothing to fear, because you've been living with this your whole life. and most likely, the amnesia you experience is lost time, meaning you've already been "gone" and nothing bad has happened and you've come back, obviously. so no need to worry.

you will come back. all parts/alters eventually do. especially if they have a good therapist to help with these processes.

you don't know for sure yet if you do or will need to be hospitalized, so don't worry about it for now. if it'll help make you feel better though, come up with some safety plans for if that happens, like emergency contact numbers, maybe some emergency babysitter ideas, etc. talk about these worries with your therapist too, please. they can help you work out stuff like this.

you're not losing your sanity. the brain develops things like DID/DDNOS-1/DDNOS to KEEP the sanity, not lose it. these conditions and dissociation are developed to help keep sanity while coping and still being able to function and survive.

brandonsmom777 wrote:For years and years I wanted a Dx what was wrong with me. Finally, when someone told me I had a trauma disorder I felt like things made sense, then I was diagnosed with DDNOS and now that this is happening I'm stuck wondering if it's all in my head. What if I was so desperate to get better I made up an illness in my mind and all of this is pretend and my therapist and I are just crazy making together and I'm going to destroy my family because of it? I need some helpful advice from your friendly people I feel so lost and confused. My T wants to begin communication work tommorow and I don't know if it's even real.

no it's not. this is doubt/denial coming to try and make everything hide from you and your knowledge once again because your mind is used to hiding things by now, it's used to surviving by trying to act and appear as "normal" and "ok" as possible, so that's what it's still trying to do. fight the doubt and denial, don't let it win. this is not fake, this is not a lie, this is all very very real, and this is NOT all in your head.

um... what you said about you and your therapist being crazy together is not only very highly improbable, but it's unreasonable, unrealistic, and illogical. please recognize similar thoughts as being what they are- they are simply your mind trying to come up with ways to deny that this is real because it can be hard to fully accept that this is real. you are NOT crazy and neither is your therapist.

TRUST YOUR THERAPIST. they sound like they know what they're doing, they sound very helpful, and they seem to be a good therapist. they have seen the signs and symptoms in you that support your diagnosis, they are not crazy, and they are trying to help you and help you heal, so please, trust them as best you can.


it would take A LOT of CONSCIOUS effort, a lot of research, and a lot of ACTIVELY TRYING to make yourself have symptoms and have them be consistent and everything like that. which you haven't done and aren't doing. if this wasn't real, you wouldn't have symptoms, you wouldn't have consistent symptoms, your therapist would be able to see that, and you wouldn't have these feelings or experiences or anything like that. this is REAL. and you will be ok. and you have a good therapist it seems to help you be ok and heal and everything.


- cassie (age ?)