My role is no longer required. Advice for change?

Hi

I am our in house denier. Our camouflager, homogenizer.
I've been responsible for keeping us uniform. Compliant. Acceptable.

I've been doing a pretty good job too.

When we were twelve or thirteen or so a parent caught us talking and laughing to ourselves and she tasked me to "hide the crazy" and that's what I've been doing eversince. I'd kind of forgotten that's what I was doing actually.

I just acted under the assuption that I was alone in here and whenever the body started doing stuff I didn't agree with I'd switch in and stop my hand. Our hand. I don't know. Over the past month a lot has changed for me.

The others were talking to each other all along. Dez doing shout outs, raising the team spirit over the years. Hell, the body has tattoos to remind me of each of us and I still keep doubting it (FYI there was consensus about that - we were all in agreement. Just saying). And Mali kept thinking "I am legion.. for we are many" with that bitter religion hating humour of his,.. and I thought it was just me going off on one.. and I still can't wrap my head around any of this.

It's sad to think that some of the things I thought I liked best about myself aren't really much to do with me at all.. just other Parts of Teacake doing their thing and I was only watching all along.

The thing is though: I am dead scared to let go of the reigns.. I don't know. I keep watching what's going on inside, but I don't get a clear picture. I kept thinking "where is Mara?" when I look what's going on at the Summer Palace, but then it's like Duh! I'd have to look in the mirror to see Mara.
I don't know. I feel like I don't want to be Hosting at all but I don't want to let go either. I need to be conscious at all times, even when I am not Hosting. Always ready to jump right in. Life is so much better when I am only watching but it's really scary and I just. can't. seem. to. let. go.

I have all these tics that leave me guilty and embarrassed and regretful and get everybody down in here. Intellectually I know it's all bogus and done with and "that was then and this.. ladida" and I can just be myself but still: I just can't. I can't even imagine how I could be any different.
If one of my actions upsets somebody else just a tiny little bit it just feels like the world is going to end just because of me and I am the worst person ever.. and I just can't seem to shake that.

And Dez says to just call her when that happens and she'll fix it and they wrote me a list of things I need to remember.. like "let it be" and "don't sweat the small stuff" and "If you can't change it it's not worth thinking about" and "done is done" but they're just empty words when I am in the moment.

I guess it's been getting a little better since I realised what I've been doing, hiding all those times I switched in and.. I think it's called blocking? Hiding when I held our hand back or stopped us mid gait or clamped our mouth shut when somebody else was trying to say something I felt I couldn't let us say in company..

One of our parents would get ever so upset if everything wasn't in it's place and everything was done just so and now I hate that I am doing the same thing to the Others. It used to keep us safe in a way, because we were less likely to cause upset if we did everything in a certain way.. and now there is no reason to and I can't switch it off. I just can't stop.. I get so agitated when things aren't in their place.

Gets so I tense up the whole body even if I am just watching not doing, I am instantly up front to fix it. Put all the pens in one place, straighten things.. whatever. It is totally pointless now but I just can't not do it. And I can't help but hate myself for that. Because none of the Others need to live like this and I can't stop. It's like I am just a horrible taskmaster cramping their style. LOL

And all I really want is to lie back and let them get on with it and watch from the wings.. but then I just come forward automatically and once I am Hosting more often than not it feels like I am alone in here to boot. It's lonely. Because I know the Others are really close and they're sure of each other even when they're Hosting, so they just feel safe about each other, they don't even have to think about it.. and I can't let go and end up just feeling crazy.

It kept us safe once and now it doesn't and I get all that.. but I really don't know how to do let go. Even just a little.

And I guess there is something to this.. maybe we're DD-NOS or something like that.. but I guess whatever else: We're We and not I and I am not the only one capapble of running the show. I am one of the less capable ones really. I feel guilty so easily and some of the others really don't and when I am in the backseat I can just ride on their emotions rather than getting sucked down by my own. That's if I just could let go..
but hell, I really don't know how.

Sorry this turned out so long.. I find it hard to get my thoughts straight

I've read posts here by a bunch of guys who used to do my job.
How did you start changing your role within the System?
How did you go about taking a more relaxed/backseat role?

I mean, any advise would just be very much appreciated..
thanks

Hi,

yupp, professional ex-denier and controlfreakery-blackbelt here!

One thing I realised when my role changed was that I'm excellent at mediation - over the years, I have been co-conscious with so many alters that I can put myself into just about anyone's shoes. So now my job is more to balance/mediate when there is a conflict or two totally different points of view involved.

Also, at least in my system, people mature the more they are out - so since I've spent most time out, I'm the most emotionally mature of us (which does not say much). In so far, I have a bit of a "mother" role for the rest.

Another thing I do now, paradoxically, is to fight denial - mainly because I know our ways of denial inside out and can spot it when it arises.

I would love an extended holiday too (or early retirement for that matter), but I can't seem to stay inside for more than a few days. Guess I'm a workaholic

Ruby

tribeofone wrote:over the years, I have been co-conscious with so many alters that I can put myself into just about anyone's shoes.

hmmm.. I guess that's true for me too. After all I kept thinking it was all me in the first place

tribeofone wrote:Also, at least in my system, people mature the more they are out - so since I've spent most time out, I'm the most emotionally mature of us (which does not say much). In so far, I have a bit of a "mother" role for the rest.

It's odd, Dez and Mali, they did a hell of a lot of growing up inside.. he kind of overtook me on the growing up front actually.. I guess if it comes to categorizations him and me - we're the "emotional" ones :S

And Nie (hell, I don't even know her real name.. she does talk to me and I ask but then I get scared and I can't hear her answer..) - anyway, she is kind of the mothering type. Because that used to be her role, because we're pretty sure our mother switches and she used to need mothering sometimes too.. so that job is kinda taken *sigh*

tribeofone wrote:Another thing I do now, paradoxically, is to fight denial - mainly because I know our ways of denial inside out and can spot it when it arises.

ha! I like that
I think working towards that might just cheer me up some Thanks

tribeofone wrote:I would love an extended holiday too (or early retirement for that matter), but I can't seem to stay inside for more than a few days. Guess I'm a workaholic

Yeah.. I guess maybe I am meant to be near the front as well.
I mean, over the past ten years we've only ever really lost time because of me I think.. I mean we don't remember what Mali does too good (or at least I don't) but he is pretty good at sharing these days and I am only just learning..

Thanks Ruby, I'd kind of hoped you'd see this post because it sounded from your posts like you'd know where I am coming from Thanks!

i couldn't read all of your post cuz, so i'm sorry... but i've heard luna talk about taking a break from having a specific role before and just helping out whenever it's needed, inside or outside, and just taking time for yourself too and not worrying about what role you have or should have or had or anything like that, and just being. so maybe that's something you could do? and i've heard the others talk about how roles and jobs can be changed like how luna and l.c. used to be more self-harming alters and now they mostly help others out with feeling apathetic about stuff when it's useful (like not caring about someone insulting us so we don't start a fight or ignoring stuff our dad says so it doesn't escalate and stuff like that). and they also help others express things through art and stuff now too. so maybe you could have others help you think about stuff you're good at and can help others with maybe? like rain helps others keep calm, be logical, and be professional when needed, and i help others be more optimistic and have fun and loosen up and stuff like that. and kat helps others stand up for themselves and not let people push our boundaries. so maybe you could find something you're good at that you can help others with or something?


roles, purposes, jobs, all that stuff isn't set in stone. you can be and do and help out however you want. maybe there's a job that's needed or that could be helpful to you all that you might like to take/step into as well or something? that's another option. like right now i think i'm the main one looking after and getting to know the rainbow kids (sorry, prism, they just chose that name, and they're "fragments"). so for the time being i've kinda been more of a caretaker than my usual role of just being a kid and helping others to loosen up and have fun and stuff. so yeah, stuff like that can change as needed or wanted or whatever.


- cassie (age ?)

I don't know if this is helpful or not but um... we think we have a Watcher like you. The Watcher still watches for us, but he isn't as active anymore. To get our Watcher to start letting us handle things, some alters had to have a talk with the Watcher about why it was better to let us do things. Yes, part of it was saying that things had changed and watching so closely wasn't necessary anymore, but part was convincing the Watcher that it was in the best interests of everyone that we start to handle things.

So it may be worth it to ask yourself what, in specific (at least at first), you feel ready to give up interfering with and why it is in your best interest to give it up.

Thanks everybody for your advice

I feel a lot calmer now - I'll try and play it by ear an see where it takes me I guess

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