Please Help... Do I love someone with DID?

um, well he wouldnt necessarily just say he knows nothing about it. see, did is usually very good at hiding itself. the purpose of it was to avoid trauma so that the person(s) could function and appear normal. so denial is something that is embedded deep in the disorder itself. he very well could make excuses (and believe them) to hide the odd behaviour from himself and from others.

it is possible that he does not have DID. but just because he had an excuse ready doesnt mean that he doesnt.

yes, DID is a very confusing disorder. but, thats what the support forum is here for. and even if, once this is all said and done, its decided that he doesnt have DID after all, no one here will think any less of you and we will not consider the time wasted. i mean, not that i have a right to talk for everyone, but based on what ive seen of this place, i cant imagine anyone having a problem with it just because it turned out to be something different. i picture that scenario ending more like a group of people waving goodbye and shouting good luck. so dont feel bad sticking around and continuing to ask questions just in case. its good to stay on the safe side, and we are here to help even if it turns out not to be our area of expertise.

Hi LovingGF,

I'm chiming in late, both as someone who has DID and someone who used to be in a relationship with someone who has DID. Being in that relationship actually made me realise what is going on with me. So here's my two cents from the perspective of a host/main/front:

I'm basing this on the assumption that your partner really has DID. I cannot know for sure because I don't know him, but what you describe does sound a lot like it.

- A DID system that wants to stay hidden will do anything to stay hidden. There's several reasons for that:

First, the system was created in the first place to help the host appear as normal and functional as possible. The host, on the other hand, is the host because he/she has the job of being in denial. This was my job for nearly two decades, and my alters had one hell of a time to convince me otherwise, because it is, to some extent, what I was born to do. That means even if some alters in your BF's system have a desire to come out (which I cannot really tell from what you write), they are likely running against a solid wall in the form of their host - not because he is bad, but because it is his job to deny them.

Second, if your BF's system is a trauma system (which sounds plausible, from what you write), the system also is there to keep the fact of the abuse hidden from the host and the outside. In that sense, we had an easier ride, because we are not primarily a trauma system, but it was still hard enough - if there really was sexual abuse in his past they have double the resistance on their plate.

- For these reasons, the system will likely react to open confrontation with resistance or denial. This can take the form of obvious untruths (I'm not saying he lies, because lying implies some conscious effort at deception. He very likely is not trying to deceive you - his system is trying to "patch over" the obvious glitches in his version of reality by fabricating facts like "he did it for his cousin").

- this "patching over" can feel extremely crazy-making. I have DID and still I had the same sort of experience with my ex - this "WTF, he did say that or am I losing my mind" situation. You are likely not losing your mind. Trust your gut feeling. If necessary, take notes on interactions that you can later revisit (again, he is not doing it on purpose - he is deceiving himself as much as you).

Your best bet, imo, at this stage is to take out pressure. If his system feels you are getting too close to the truth, they might over-react to keep themselves stable. This might include leaving you. Therefore, at least initially, let it go. Very likely, they will be relieved and make the host forget about the incident as quickly as possible.

Then take your time. Study the system from the outside. See if you can tell different alters apart. See how many you can distinguish. Describe them to yourself until you have a system map in your own head. Do NOT confront them though.

Then see if you can find an alter who knows what's going on. Be subtle - drop hints rather than calling them out. For example, you could say something like: "I read this article about talking to your inner child, I really liked it" or something similarly mainstream (my exe's alter's reaction to this was: "yeah, that stupid little brat is hiding somewhere again". Not nice, but then we knew who knew something). Then see if you can engage that alter/develop a relationship to him/her (be prepared it might be a her). Be very careful and slow and reassure them that you're not an enemy, you don't want them to go away, you are grateful they are there to protect your BF. Win their trust. Then talk to them about what the system wants/needs and what you can do to help.

This is the best advice I have so far. I would definitely not mention anything sexual to them, if that is where their trauma lies.

All the best, Ruby

Thank you Tunes!

This is definitely confusing and I'm trying to understand so I can do this right.

It's also comforting to me, although I'm sad that he has problems and burdens, that he isn't doing this intentionally. I love him so much and have known him for 30 years and my intuition with him and others has always been spot on. I feel the good in him and "lies" contradict that, which confuses me.

I will stick around the boards if you all don't mind. I need the support and need to learn more....

-- Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:53 pm --

Dear Ruby,

Thank you. This is really helpful. Although I know the extreme Hollywood portrayal of DID is... extreme and that DID is much more subtle in real life most of the time, I still have much to learn. I will be here regularly to try to do that.

(It really could not get more ridiculous than "I did it for my cousin." We are both savvy and can read other people very well... if someone else said that, he'd be laughing. It's bizarre that he even thinks that excuse would work... so I'm trying to understand it in the context of DID). I did all I could to tell him he's safe with me no matter what... I will take your suggestions and work on this. Thanks!

Thanks so much!

tribeofone wrote:Hi LovingGF,

I'm chiming in late, both as someone who has DID and someone who used to be in a relationship with someone who has DID. Being in that relationship actually made me realise what is going on with me. So here's my two cents from the perspective of a host/main/front:

I'm basing this on the assumption that your partner really has DID. I cannot know for sure because I don't know him, but what you describe does sound a lot like it.

- A DID system that wants to stay hidden will do anything to stay hidden. There's several reasons for that:

First, the system was created in the first place to help the host appear as normal and functional as possible. The host, on the other hand, is the host because he/she has the job of being in denial. This was my job for nearly two decades, and my alters had one hell of a time to convince me otherwise, because it is, to some extent, what I was born to do. That means even if some alters in your BF's system have a desire to come out (which I cannot really tell from what you write), they are likely running against a solid wall in the form of their host - not because he is bad, but because it is his job to deny them.

Second, if your BF's system is a trauma system (which sounds plausible, from what you write), the system also is there to keep the fact of the abuse hidden from the host and the outside. In that sense, we had an easier ride, because we are not primarily a trauma system, but it was still hard enough - if there really was sexual abuse in his past they have double the resistance on their plate.

- For these reasons, the system will likely react to open confrontation with resistance or denial. This can take the form of obvious untruths (I'm not saying he lies, because lying implies some conscious effort at deception. He very likely is not trying to deceive you - his system is trying to "patch over" the obvious glitches in his version of reality by fabricating facts like "he did it for his cousin").

- this "patching over" can feel extremely crazy-making. I have DID and still I had the same sort of experience with my ex - this "WTF, he did say that or am I losing my mind" situation. You are likely not losing your mind. Trust your gut feeling. If necessary, take notes on interactions that you can later revisit (again, he is not doing it on purpose - he is deceiving himself as much as you).

Your best bet, imo, at this stage is to take out pressure. If his system feels you are getting too close to the truth, they might over-react to keep themselves stable. This might include leaving you. Therefore, at least initially, let it go. Very likely, they will be relieved and make the host forget about the incident as quickly as possible.

Then take your time. Study the system from the outside. See if you can tell different alters apart. See how many you can distinguish. Describe them to yourself until you have a system map in your own head. Do NOT confront them though.

Then see if you can find an alter who knows what's going on. Be subtle - drop hints rather than calling them out. For example, you could say something like: "I read this article about talking to your inner child, I really liked it" or something similarly mainstream (my exe's alter's reaction to this was: "yeah, that stupid little brat is hiding somewhere again". Not nice, but then we knew who knew something). Then see if you can engage that alter/develop a relationship to him/her (be prepared it might be a her). Be very careful and slow and reassure them that you're not an enemy, you don't want them to go away, you are grateful they are there to protect your BF. Win their trust. Then talk to them about what the system wants/needs and what you can do to help.

This is the best advice I have so far. I would definitely not mention anything sexual to them, if that is where their trauma lies.

All the best, Ruby

I should say that, all the times I looked up DID, yes, there was a part of me that was doing it because I thought that dissociation was a thing that I experienced. But there was ALWAYS another reason for looking it up that I could defend my looking around with. And the thing is, that's honestly what a part of me believed - that I was truly looking around for this other reason (even though that wasn't true at all.) 'Cause it'd be crazy if I had DID, right?

michiru7422, lol. Are you suggesting that I have DID?

I had PTSD and perhaps still do have a mild form of it. I have pretty severe ADD... forget things while I'm heavily distracted by something else, lose time because I have little concept of the passage of time... but it's so distinctly different from BF in that I have an incredible memory for human interactions. I can repeat any conversation or email exchange verbatim, going back years. I've never blacked out from drinking or drugs, except for once for ten minutes on a long walk through NYC (did not remember one segment of the walk). I never do or say things that "aren't me" or get accused of acting weird or not like myself. If I forget an appointment it's more like a ditz thing... I was doing something else and it slipped my mind. I didn't actually forget. So, despite my own traumatic childhood and my need for dozens of blaring iphone reminders to get me places, I don't think this applies to me. It easily could have... I have other issues... and had a whole host of mental illnesses as a teenager. But don't think this has ever been one of them.

-- Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:41 pm --

Forgot to mention that I saw a text sent giving all the details of a trip we went on. Although we HAD just been on a trip.... his text gave an entirely different account - different country, different activities. That was my first "Wow... I think we're looking at mental illness" moment....

And as one who was depressed, anorexic, klepto, suicidal and a pathological liar as a teenager, and has struggled with severe ADD all my life.... (I'm 45 now) there is no judgement in that statement. I just think something is up with him. I *think* it's DID. But it is definitely *something* ....

Hi and welcome!

My husband, for the last 15 years or so, has looked at gay porn....suggested we invite another man into our bed...signed up for gay dating sites (off and on). I can feel your pain. He denies everything. Turns things around to blame me for things when he gets caught. If I were you...in my opinion only....I would not mention the bisexuality at the moment. Concentrate on the possibility of DID. It is easier for a man to accept a possible mental issue than to admit he may be bisexual. You could push him away. Even if you are offering to explore this with him....support him through it...even participate.....it will drive him away (I made the same offers). Try to get him into therapy for the possibility of DID. Figure out that way if it is his desire or an alters desire. Go from there. Feel free to pm me if you need to since I can probably relate more than most here.

hehe. i think what michiru was pointing out was not that you mite have DID, but that DID likes to cover things up and can be pretty easy to cover itself. like in the case of looking things up. the she was drawn to it because it sounded familiar, but the DID always had an excuse ready to cover it up that even the one attracted to the information believed.

tribeofone wrote:[..]
First, the system was created in the first place to help the host appear as normal and functional as possible. The host, on the other hand, is the host because he/she has the job of being in denial. This was my job for nearly two decades, and my alters had one hell of a time to convince me otherwise, because it is, to some extent, what I was born to do. That means even if some alters in your BF's system have a desire to come out (which I cannot really tell from what you write), they are likely running against a solid wall in the form of their host - not because he is bad, but because it is his job to deny them.

Second, if your BF's system is a trauma system (which sounds plausible, from what you write), the system also is there to keep the fact of the abuse hidden from the host and the outside. In that sense, we had an easier ride, because we are not primarily a trauma system, but it was still hard

(sorry to hijack your thread there, LovingGF - I haven't anything of value to add, being rather new at this myself. I can certainly say that I've lied plenty to my husband without realising I was speaking an untruth. I only ever lose a few minutes here and there and my System is very good at making my behaviour appear plausible to others.. and keeping me from finding out what is going on inside me. Hope things look up for the two of you soon )

Hi Ruby

Reading through your answer I was wondering if you had any resources/literature you could recommend regarding DID/multiplicity, especially not in the context of a primary trauma system?

I hadn't come across this but it rings a bell. My memory loss works in a rather peculiar way and while there is trauma for a couple of Parts of me, I haven't had to endure what most others around here have.

e.g. It appears to me that I was almost trained in dissociation by a parent and that other issues at the time played a lesser role.. maybe

I have only just become reasonably "self aware" consciously, so while I can get myself to I'd love to read some literature (so far have only read Myth of Sanity, Stranger in the Mirror and some very depersonalisation specific literature)

Thanks
Teatime

I should say that, all the times I looked up DID, yes, there was a part of me that was doing it because I thought that dissociation was a thing that I experienced. But there was ALWAYS another reason for looking it up that I could defend my looking around with. And the thing is, that's honestly what a part of me believed - that I was truly looking around for this other reason (even though that wasn't true at all.) 'Cause it'd be crazy if I had DID, right?

LOL, yeah, same here. For the first 6 months or so of researching DID I thought I was trying to figure out my ex. Turns out my headmate was just being one sly b******d and collecting all this information, only then to turn around to me and go: "er, excuse me, but this is us, you know".

Tricked by my own head - but hey, there was no way I was ever going to listen otherwise.

Ruby

tribeofone wrote:

I should say that, all the times I looked up DID, yes, there was a part of me that was doing it because I thought that dissociation was a thing that I experienced. But there was ALWAYS another reason for looking it up that I could defend my looking around with. And the thing is, that's honestly what a part of me believed - that I was truly looking around for this other reason (even though that wasn't true at all.) 'Cause it'd be crazy if I had DID, right?

LOL, yeah, same here. For the first 6 months or so of researching DID I thought I was trying to figure out my ex. Turns out my headmate was just being one sly b******d and collecting all this information, only then to turn around to me and go: "er, excuse me, but this is us, you know".

Tricked by my own head - but hey, there was no way I was ever going to listen otherwise.

Ruby

Ditto.
I had been leaving myself hints for two decades.
Really literal stuff as well, very obvious pointers and I just could not see it. I'd go into a research frenzy, eventually switch and throw my books out to stop myself "being silly" again.