trouble staying in therapy....

Hi all,

We are having trouble staying in therapy. I think this is the umpteenth time we have quit and from what I can tell there is a lot of sadness and embarrassment for yet another emotional spectacle. I don't particularly feel the need to keep going with it, but from what I understand many parts have benefited from having the chance to talk. Also there seems to be some deep sadness from the parts that have begun to attach. But I am heeding the warning of parts that fear attachment. While I know things that happened a long time ago, and not the present, is what has created the attachment disorder, I feel their pain and terror and do not wish to rush them. Attachment is scary. Being alone is scary. But being fixated on the T (one part) is not ideal nor healthy either.

I guess I am wondering if anyone has had success dealing with such different attitudes to therapy. Therapy can't work if the self is not ready to embrace it, but what if the different parts are at different stages? Like I said, I don't really feel the need to be going, but there is a lot of chatter about it. As you can tell, I am just trying to keep us together.

I know it has been a while since we posted. A first for me. so "Hi" to all.

Joe

Hi Joe, I don't think we've spoken before but I've read a lot of posts from you (all) in the past.

As for how to deal with therapy when different parts have such different attitudes to it... I wish I knew. I am struggling with the exact same thing at the moment. I too have just quit therapy for the umpteenth time, despite promising myself that I was really going to make an effort this time. I ('host') feel the need to be in therapy, other parts don't want to or don't feel the need, some get too attached, some are extremely confrontational or unco-operative with the therapist. It all gets messy and complicated.

I'm sorry I can't be more help, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm hoping that if I can find a therapist who's experienced in dissociative disorders, they might know how to handle it all better.

For a long time, I just avoided therapy all together... until I couldn't anymore. Being that I have no choice but to be in therapy, I struggled with several therapists before sticking with the non-trauma, non-DID, non-therapist therapist I've been with for several years. And it's the best thing I've ever done. Every time I've tried to quit, he just hasn't let me. But, what helps most of all is that he allows me to have sometimes weeks in a row where we just talk about nothing. We chat. He never insists that I use my time "wisely" by being so serious and so focused on the past or symptoms or drama. Instead, often times we laugh. Sometimes he even talks about himself. I realized that I grew so attached to him, despite all my fears and avoidance tactics, that I could never leave him. And he's so much more helpful than any trauma therapist I've ever been to. Why? Because the attachment really is, in my opinion, one of the most important aspects of healing. And that's why it's so damned frightening. So, maybe you can try going to therapy and just having some light talk. Don't feel pressured to talk about deep, dark, upsetting things every time. See if your therapist can handle that. And, in the mean time, write out all the reasons why therapy is important versus all the reasons why its just too hard and too scary. In all likelihood, the reasons to stay in therapy will win out. Post it on your fridge, in your car, on your phone, or anywhere else that you can keep a written reminder of why all of your parts need to work together to deal with the fear, ambivalence, and pain of attachment.

Thanks, both of you.

Owleyes, Yes, I cannot recall crossing paths, but I've read your posts too. I am sorry you find yourself in the same place re: therapy. You are a step ahead of me, in that your confrontational parts actually choose to be confrontational rather than steam in the background. Maybe it is part of the process, to engage and then detach. Not sure. But the constant chatter/obsession about whether to be in or not, when in and when out, is too time consuming for me. I do feel better knowing you are in the same place, not that I wish it for you, but rather that I am not the only one.

Boopsy26, thank you for sharing your success. When I read it I feel some sense of calm and then feelings of terror. You are right, it is all related to attachment. I know what you say about talking about light stuff, but when that happens there is anger about wasting time and money. My T is not cheap and so budgeting in extra session when I was going was an issue. But I do agree when I went twice a week, there was more flow to the discussions and even though they seemed lighter more was accomplished. I can't manage that now, largely from a time perspective but also from a budget perspective.

Also your T is not like mine. When quit he calmly lets me go and just reiterates he is always there if I need his services. While I know that he believes for therapy to work I have to be willing to do it, some parts certainly take it as he just doesn't care. That this is a job for him, and he can take or leave any client. While this logically must be true to a certain extent (ie for him to stay sane as a therapist, he can't possibly "care" about all of his clients), it doesn't settle well on the inside. Why attach to someone who doesn't care? I think that is central to the development of attachment disorders in the first place, is attaching as a vulnerable child to parents who didn't really care about the child as a person.

Boopsy26, the end of your post makes my insides scream, "not a chance in hell". So that's a pretty clear message. I am so happy for you though, that you have found yourself where you are.

joe

I guess how do you tell the difference between not being able to attach enough and not being able to attach enough to this therapist. Whether finding a new therapist is what we need to do rather than keep trying with this one. I have no complaints about this one.

I wish I knew! I keep quitting therapy thinking that it's 'them' (the therapist) and I just don't get on with them. But I'm probably going to have to accept at some point that it's me, my fear of attachment, not them that's the problem. How long have you been with this therapist? If you've been plugging away for months and nothing is really changing, maybe it would be better to try someone else. If, on the other hand, you've only been going a few weeks maybe a bit longer will lead to a 'breakthrough'.

Might I suggest being direct and talking to your therapist about this? Certainly if it is not well received then find a new therapist. But, otherwise, it may be an opportunity to explore some of your conflicts and it might open up some things for you.

Thanks Owleyes and boopsy26, your posts are really helping me process things.

If you can believe it we have been with my therapist since July 2010. But it's not really like we have been in therapy for dissociation that long. Well let me explain. We started of with some depression/anxiety issues which moved quickly into GID - feeling both female and male was very confusing to me. This lead to the "voices" and the sense of others and then the chatter in my head. We have quit numerous times, so there are many gaps and lack of continuity. He takes one month off 3 times per year, and I tend to estrange myself from him after these absences. I know he has to do this to remain a healthy therapist but the system reacts to this. IT took a while to realize/acknowledge that his absence was triggering, but we have worked through it a little and he allows whoever needs to email short notes to keep connected when he is gone. And nearly all of 2012 therapy was somewhat derailed by an unrelated personal situation which essentially prevented me from addressing anything that was too deep.....

I am guessing I don't entirely feel I am done with therapy since I am discussing it here and finding myself reading other therapist's webpages. Things are escalating a little in the sense I have had to ask inside why I have done/said things. Yesterday I scheduled a meeting and had to ask why I did. This is kind of new for me because it seems like some of the communication is breaking down (communication re: every day things has been usually pretty stellar).

Boopsy26, talking to my therapist about how I feel about him? I guess this is a step I need to take, in everything I have read I know this is necessary. No way, says the inside. But is this possibly then a sign I have attached and can't bear to admit/talk about it? I just heard that this brings up the issue of the limitations of therapy and perhaps it will never be enough, so like owleyes says, why bother?

Joe
(currently there is some internal mocking of me - "pragmatic Joe - let's see how far he gets with this....")