How do you know if you have DID?

Just noticed I left some bits out from one of my answers..

What age did it develop in retrospect, what age were you when you realised?

I had some physical and emotional issues between age 2 -3 and identity issues between 4 and 8 years old.
Then another idenity criss at 12 - 18
Just an unfortunate series of events.
Then I moved to another country. Not in a rush or anything, I planned it for a year.
Then more erratic behaviour that got me into troublle throughout my 20s. Only I didn't know just how erratic until the segments within Teatime started sharing memories.


Your diagram/ what you're saying makes sense.
I hope you find everything you're looking for

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:Thank you Teatime. I guess I'll just have to wait and see, but I suspect I don't. I've talked to myself for as long as I can remember, mostly just processing I think, but I don't really remember having imaginative friends or different parts of me when I was younger.

Remember that DID is a very personal condition. It will not be the same for everyone. And keep in mind that DID is meant to be hidden. This is why it's often not realized that one has DID until later on in life.

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:I will suddenly surprise myself that I am suddenly bold, or I used to go from being really shy to really talkative in some situations. Sometimes I get fiercely protective of my Mum and/or Sisters. Sometimes (very rarely) I stand up for myself, that's happened more times recently, but still a number I can count on my hands. I can remember being surprised at that and several times I've done things I've felt weren't me, but I've never associated it as being not me either.

I would look into the possibility of DDNOS-1. It's like a "lesser form" of DID, where the parts/alters aren't as "separated" and so they can appear more similar to ego states than actual separate alters/identities.

Also, don't rule out the possibility of being co-conscious or co-hosting. When I was only aware of voices, I began to realize that the voices could have influences over what I did and said and how I acted, so I began to call them "sides" of me. (Like Kat was my "dark side"). I never associated it with not being me, despite it turning out to not technically be "me" at all. Again, remember, DID hides. The whole point of a DID system is to help the host/main one "out" to seem and act as normal and ok as possible. If the DID/alters are obvious, if the symptoms are obvious, if the DID/alters are learned about/known about, then that's not helping the person to seem as normal or ok as possible, so the alters hide and the mind hides the DID symptoms from conscious awareness.

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:If you imagine a piece of paper with loads of ripped rectangles kind of like this:

| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
|______________|

then as long is it all joins up at the bottom that seems to make perfect sense but as soon as those pieces are ripped all the way down and separate then it doesn't really make sense at all, unless they have their own names on them and me on them. The earliest I started having any kind of problem in my life was at the age of 9, then things got a whole step heavier in two different ways by 11 and horrific by the age of 14. There are still huge amounts I don't remember. Apart from during the traumatic stages I can if I try really hard, piece together what happened in my life, but I don't simply remember, I have to really follow things through from a period I do remember to where I'm trying to get to. I do have patches where I simply don't remember what's going on, but I've shut myself off so much I never go out or have any friends so no one can comment. I recognize changes in myself, but I still associate them as being me. But I have been aware of spending more and more time over the years in my head, I just put that down to a need to friendships and as I couldn't trust anyone in real life, then the friendships in my head ought to be safe, or at least if they weren't going to be I'd know. But I always changed slightly in them, I still think nothing of that apart from that little girl yesterday and those she spoke of. Even then there are parts I don't know.

Everything said here screams "strong possibility of DID, or at the very least DDNOS-1" to me. Including the visual representation. If I were you, I would not dismiss the possibility of a dissociative disorder for you.

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:See I can understand my face me and head me because the face me has to keep going (mostly) and the head me is the part of me that can't go on. But I am beginning to wonder if the head me is many head me's, if there's an in between me and then my face me or if it's just the two I know I've got. Realistically the head me and face me can be explained fairly well by depersonalisation and derealisation, PTSD and a GAD/Social Anxiety. Having said that they could also be explained by DID if I allowed them or at least the head me time to communicate. Now I am trying apart from yesterday which I don't know what to make of, I can't get anything and even my head me is lost. So I just don't know. I will wait and see. The more I type the more I think it is and the more I type the more I'm sure it's not. Oh well...

Thanks again
AJ
xx

Depersonalization and derealization can be symptoms/signs of DID, and they are often symptoms/signs of any dissociative disorder. PTSD is usually found to be paired with dissociative disorders, especially DID, as well. And you are mistaken in that parts/sides/alters can be explained by those things. They cannot. Depresonalization and derealization are basically things where you don't feel like yourself or you don't feel like anything's real, but it does not account for having sides/parts/alters, nor does it account for if you've ever heard voices in your head that aren't "you" (meaning they say things you'd never say, or you can hold a conversation with them, or you can argue with them, etc). PTSD does not explain nor account for these things either, and neither does GAD/Social Anxiety.

I think you should definitely wait and see, and not rule out the possibility of DDNOS, DDNOS-1, or DID for yourself. I would also look into them more and think back to past experiences you've had, symptoms you've had (even if you don't have them right now), etc., and compare what "matches" or seems to "fit" under DDNOS, DDNOS-1, and DID. (The resource websites under the DDNOS/DID Resources thread do a great job in explaining more about DDNOS-1. At least, one of the websites does, that I know/remember for sure).

Also, again, keep in mind that DID tries to hide, because the whole point of DID is to keep up the appearance of being "normal" and "ok". And keep in mind that doubt/denial is often a subconscious defensive mechanism that kicks in to try and help the DID hide by convincing you that "this isn't real", or "I don't have this", or "I'm making this all up", or "I'm just lying", or other similar things.

Best of luck with everything.


-Cassandra

Thank you so much for all of your help, you've taken a lot of time and I'm incredibly grateful. When I was officially diagnosed with PTSD (only monday, but I knew for a long time before and much more concretely than now), the psychiatrist I saw said something about Dissociation but I don't really remember it. I think things are gradually piecing together and I will not be surprised if more pieces suddenly fall into the mix. You've also cleared some things up with the Depersonalisation/Derealisation/Dissociation that I had some misunderstandings with. I'm pretty new to this and really only ended up here because I wanted some answers.

I feel much more comfortable now and will take this slowly. If I don't need to get a pro diagnosis, I won't for now or unless I feel it necessary. I will keep seeing the psychiatrist and as she mentioned the dissociation, I shall try to go into it with more detail. I've left a note out for the little girl and told my mum about her just in case, but because it was with in my escape-imagination I don't know if she's tangible, I'm not saying either way. I'm aware I don't want to doubt/deny and I'm trying to be open mentally and even out loud about the whole thing. I shall read about DDNOS, DDNOS-1 too. I wasn't meaning that Depersonalisation/Derialisation explained it for everyone, but they do explain a fair bit of it to me, because I don't know that these parts of me are alters or just dissociation or accompanied with dissociation.

Edited to add: Thank you so much. I know you can't create DID just by reading it but because I'm searching so desperately for answers it's easy for me to cling to anything with a few similarities. - On wards with the reading.

I've had so much help from people online it's overwhelming and for the first time in a long time overwhelming is good. This is such a reassuring environment that lets my mind flourish naturally, that I know that it's done me the world of good. If nothing else because I have developed I better understanding (yet again) of my head. But so have you. I will broach it sensitively and see what the psychiatrist says, and ask for more information about Dissociation, but I will also read more online. I am aware that the name of whatever it is doesn't affect who I am, but it helps put it into perspective and understand and to ask around online.

Thank you again and again and again!

AJ
xx

My first diagnosis was PTSD. There was no question in anyone's mind. The only odd thing was that the PTSD related to stuff that happened 30 years ago and in the interim I had no clinical signs or symptoms. The DID was also very apparent, but my therapist at the time was in denial about that.

I entered therapy after I experienced a revolving door crisis two years ago. My DID is covert and even now after accepting the diagnosis I am not florid.

Thanks for sharing that Una+ every last bit that someone shares helps.

AJ
xx

After going away and neither worrying about it nor focusing on it, I was able to calmly come to a conclusion subconsciously, I agree very much with Cassandra that this reads like DDNOS-1 not that I've been able to find some solid reading (I've found aspects and small articles but the clarity between DDNOS, DDNOS-1, DID and what is known as CPTSD whether it exists in definition or otherwise to be confusing to say the least).

My paper theory as badly diagrammed above is very, very accurate to how I feel on most days with it feeling worse on other days, but these are not fully seperated identities, just parts of me that typically merge together though feel more seperated on bad days. I value your help and opinions so much and thank you, I am going to have another session with my Psychiatrist soon to discuss this as I know she mentioned something about Dissociation, I would like to clarify now with a more clear wording my symptoms and experiences. For now however are my parts listed:

Katheryn – The one who deals with all the formal “grown up” stuff, If I were called by any other name at that point I would be a little confused at why that name was used. I’m most aware of her as being separate – I cannot relate to her at all. She does what needs to be done.

Katy – The face me, deals with all the normal day to day and family stuff. She just keeps going when she struggles usually Broken comes to the foreground. Unless attacked then Not Again comes forward.

Kas – Fake me – Imaginary/ online presence/ anonymity me confident and caring, won’t stick around for trouble, has problems committing to anything, including a set personality, she changes to her environment, what people want and what she wants. She doesn't lie, but she adapts. Its also a name I use for those situations even when she's not in control (confusing huh!)

AJ – The confident one, she’s my favourite, she’s outgoing and happy, but adult, she’s romantic and whilst not gullible is trusting of others. She cares for everyone inside and outside the head. She’s level and in control. Initially I thought of her as an evolution of Kas, but she isn't. I associate well with her but I can find her her tiring and revert back to Katy or if knocked hard enough through Katy into Broken. I wish she took the lead more often. Tiring or not.

Broken – Just broken; either struggles with emotions or constant crying.

Numb: Much like Broken but rather than struggling with emotions, has none. Can’t cry even if wants to, doesn’t know how.

Lost – Confused, worried – always, most likely to be around before and/or after dissociation, mostly after unless repeated dissociation occurs (which is frequently).

Little Kat – Childish, laughs a lot, like to play, can be sulky

Head me – Feels negative, rejected, ashamed, guilty, ignored/avoided by the other parts because of that – communicates through the broken me and subconsciously , desperately needs healing to put itself and the rest of me at ease.

Not Again: The me who stands up for others and even occasionally myself. Is angry, defensive, volatile, agitated, possibly violent but is held back by the others, very rarely see. Has been an ‘other’ until accepted awareness.

Liar: None of it ever happened, you're crazy, you're lying, you're making it up - Denial and undermining, I don't like this one at all, and it persists who ever's at the foreground, it's manipulative and abusive.

The others I’m not aware of or haven’t been accepted yet – I know there are some, but I can’t define them without example, they are the ones that surprise me when they show up and aren’t explained by any of the above. Now I’m aware, I will note them down as and when. I may of course be imaging them, or all of it, who knows! But I keep an open mind.


On a good day I feel my connected paper example
On a bad day I feel like my disconnected paper example with “Me’s” (if I remember incorrectly they were like this:
___________________________________
|...........................................M.. |
| KATHERYN..............................E.. |
|___________________________________|

Even with very, very bad days I just feel like the me has faded a bit or that the name is bold, or both.

I don’t feel how I imagine DID would feel which would be like the disconnected paper example with no “Me’s” just loose names and personalities all disconnected. I will use this direct information along with other writing I have kept to describe what's been going on to the Psychiatrist.

Thanks, just wanted to update.

AJ
xx

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:After going away and neither worrying about it nor focusing on it, I was able to calmly come to a conclusion subconsciously, I agree very much with Cassandra that this reads like DDNOS-1 not that I've been able to find some solid reading (I've found aspects and small articles but the clarity between DDNOS, DDNOS-1, DID and what is known as CPTSD whether it exists in definition or otherwise to be confusing to say the least).

This is great progress, so congratulations! And with your descriptions and map examples, I'd definitely say you're on the right track looking into DDNOS-1.

(I'd love to reply more, but I can't right now, so I'm just going to try and help clear up the different conditions).


-- DDNOS: DDNOS is a DD that does not qualify for specification as any of the four well-defined DD's in the DSM. There are many problems with how this catch-all diagnosis is presented in the DSM.[8a] The DSM-IV-TR gives 6 examples of proper use of the diagnosis, but offers no formal sub-categorization. (Basically DDNOS is a diagnosis for those who have dissociative symptoms and such, but do not "fit" under any of the four specified conditions, DID, dissociative fugue, dissociative amnesia, and depersonalization disorder).



-- DDNOS-1: The main difference is that in DID there is extreme identity separation between the dissociated parts of the personality. [29] In addition, amnesia is absent between the dissociated parts in DDNOS-1, where amnesia [22] is present between at least two parts in those with DID and to some degree between most of the parts in DID. [29] This raises a lot of questions for the person with a diagnosis of DDNOS-1, after all, it's not always easy to know if amnesia is present or not because in DID the system of alters will work to keep this hidden from the host or presenting part of the personality. It leaves some people wondering if they actually do have DID instead of DDNOS-1, but do not self diagnosis. A good therapist can tell the difference between DID and DDNOS-1.
(The best example I can come up with is that DDNOS-1 is like a system made up of "fragments"/parts, and DID is a system made up of fully-separate alters. Ooh- or imagine a a piece of paper that's only ripped a little bit, and then a paper that's ripped almost in two. DDNOS-1 is the paper that's only ripped a little bit, with minimal separation, and DID is the paper that's almost ripped all the way through, with clear separation up to maximum separation).



-- DID: Every human starts out with an unintegrated personality. The process of normal integration takes place in childhood and it lasts a few years - it is not instant. When there is enough trauma and a lack of nurturing during this period of time, then the normal process of integration is interrupted. [4]
Everyone's personality is made up of parts (states), but those with DID have barriers around theirs due to early childhood events, so their parts are isolated and never integrated. [4] Therapy works to slowly dissolve trauma barriers and eventually coconscious between parts is gained, and then finally, after years of work, the parts of the personality will be able to integrate and can operate like a normal brain - which is not one part, but many parts of the personality working fluently together. [4]

The newest diagnostic criteria are those found in the proposed DSM-5. [22] They include the following, plus specifiers for "prominent non-epileptic seizures [79] (PNES or pseudoseizures) [20] and/or other sensory-motor (functional neurologic) symptoms. The proposed edition of the DSM-5 will emphasize fragmentation of identity, memory, and consciousness and at the same time add the "disruptive effect of symptoms on consciousness and a broader definition of symptoms." [19]
1• Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states (one of course can be the host, since this is also a dissociated state) or an experience of possession, as evidenced by discontinuities in sense of self, cognition, behavior, affect, perceptions, and/or memories. This disruption may be observed by others, or reported by the patient.
2• Inability to recall important personal information, for everyday events or traumatic events, that is inconsistent with ordinary forgetfulness.
3• Causes clinically significant distress and impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
4• The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural, religious practice, or part of the normal fantasy play of children.
5• The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures). [22]
The DSM description of Dissociative Identity Disorder may well be inadequate. An in-depth study, by Paul Dell reported non-observable symptoms in those with Dissociative Identity Disorder including: state dependent amnesia, conversion symptoms, self-alteration, derealization, depersonalization, flashbacks, trances, identity confusion, awareness of alters, voices, thought withdrawal and insertion, made impulses, feelings and actions and non psychotic auditory and visual hallucinations. The study reports that the description in the DSM is "deficient because it omits most of the dissociative phenomena of Dissociative Identity Disorder and focuses solely on alter personalities." [25]
(Basically, imagine a whole personality as being a cake, fully done, cooked, everything.

With DID, there is no cake, all the ingredients are still separated. They're all in the same mixing bowl together, but they're still separate and are not mixed together.

With DDNOS-1, the ingredients are partially mixed together, but there's still some separation, some egg here, a bit of flour there, stuff like that. But they're not fully separate ingredients anymore, nor are they fully mixed and ready to be cooked into a cake though.)



-- CPTSD: This one is a bit tougher, and I may have to revisit it (I can't seem to easily recall what I've researched on CPTSD right now). Basically, the best way I can put it right now is it's like a "more extreme" form of PTSD, but it's not like DDNOS-1 or DID. But I did find this, though you may want to take it with a grain of salt:

- PTSD:
Persistence of:
Recollections and/or dreams of event
Acting or feeling a reoccurence of event
Psychological distress at exposure to cues
Physiological reactivity at exposure to cues
Avoidance of associated stimuli
Symptoms of increased arousal

- Complex PTSD:
Dysregulation of:
Affect and impulses
Attention and consciousness
Self-perception
Perception of the perpetrator
Relations with others
Somatization
Systems of meaning



Hope that's helpful to you.


~The Hawk

Thanks Hawk