not me Trigger Warning

tribeofone:
before i didn't make any conversations with the voices, i ignored it, but lately i've tried a bit, but then i start to think it must just be my imagination...

Quantum:
the trance states happens as in i either hear loud white noice, or voices before it happens...once it feelt like i get pushed back and forward at the same time. when i got in this "trance state" when i was seeing my therapist i was 100% focused on her, i could look her directly in her eyes, i felt 100% safe, because it wasn't me who was sitting there. but i felt like i was drugged when i got into those "trance states".












actually my therapist said i probably am/have multipple "personalities", but not like the extreme cases. she said there are different degrees...? (that's why i wondered if there are any other disorders where one can have this trait...and not have DID or DDNOS)
she asked me this "early on" in therapy...but i laughed and said no, because i thought DID patients were as extreme as Sybil.
when i told her i felt apathetic and emotionless, and that my girlfriend and best friend said the same thing, she told me she didn't get that from me, i didn't act like it...so i went home confused, and talked to my girlfriend and best friend about it. and they said they weren't surprised my therapist said what she said. i always change if i'm at work, get visitors or if we visit someone. my girlfriend says i can just sit in a chair, hardly say a word, and be distant, but the second the doorbell rings or the second we visit someone i turn into someone who talks, laughs and jokes.
i can't control this, but has probably to do with hiding who you are, and your emotions? and nothing to do with DID?

riddle wrote:Quantum:
the trance states happens as in i either hear loud white noice, or voices before it happens...once it feelt like i get pushed back and forward at the same time. when i got in this "trance state" when i was seeing my therapist i was 100% focused on her, i could look her directly in her eyes, i felt 100% safe, because it wasn't me who was sitting there. but i felt like i was drugged when i got into those "trance states".

Fascinating... This could really be a wide variety of things... Please explain whenever this happens to you again and try to get as much understanding and detail out of it as you can.

actually my therapist said i probably am/have multipple "personalities", but not like the extreme cases. she said there are different degrees...? (that's why i wondered if there are any other disorders where one can have this trait...and not have DID or DDNOS)

There are, but it's so vague and laymantic that it's hard to say if she is talking about degress of DID or degrees of personality-splitting due to dissociation.

she asked me this "early on" in therapy...but i laughed and said no, because i thought DID patients were as extreme as Sybil.

Films and shows like Sybil and United States of Tara can be incredibly misleading.

when i told her i felt apathetic and emotionless, and that my girlfriend and best friend said the same thing, she told me she didn't get that from me, i didn't act like it...so i went home confused, and talked to my girlfriend and best friend about it. and they said they weren't surprised my therapist said what she said. i always change if i'm at work, get visitors or if we visit someone. my girlfriend says i can just sit in a chair, hardly say a word, and be distant, but the second the doorbell rings or the second we visit someone i turn into someone who talks, laughs and jokes.
i can't control this, but has probably to do with hiding who you are, and your emotions? and nothing to do with DID?

This is a very common factor of dissociative disorders. DID multiples can show this, but secondary structural dissociative disorders also exhibit this. I think that your symptoms are going to have to progress more, or your underlying activities are going to have to be provoked and instigated more severely before the nature of your disorder--and you do have a disorder--becomes more deferentially evident.

All dissociative disorders are similar, with common symptoms, and kindred causes of origin; however, each disorder develops in a different manner and produces a disease of its own unique nature, and falls under different structural complexity. They commonly depend on a schism of the emotional and apparently normal personality, and depending on the causes and the neurological response of the patient, the personality may split or integrate in unique ways...

The system that establishes itself to accommodate those formations, determines which level of structural dissociation occurs in the patient, in order for their personality to achieve symbiosis and function. The trauma thereby, is essential as a root element.

Hopefully, I wasn't too confusing.

All dissociative disorders are similar, with common symptoms, and kindred causes of origin; however, each disorder develops in a different manner and produces a disease of its own unique nature, and falls under different structural complexity. They commonly depend on a schism of the emotional and apparently normal personality, and depending on the causes and the neurological response of the patient, the personality may split or integrate in unique ways...

Quantum, I don't mean to be rude, but your style is beginning to irk me as well a little. I know you're trying to help riddle and you've posted a lot of good information, but I think it is worth pointing out that yours is a very specific view of dissociative disorders (although one you have obviously arrived at by reading a lot of medical literature).

I find the word "disease" frankly offensive. Up to you if you want to see yourself as "disordered" or "diseased" but I do not. I also am not a "patient" and I do not have a "split personality" in need of "integration". Also, while the structural model of dissociation is a popular model of explanation, it is not the only one. I find it a bit troubling to be honest that you profess these things as if they were some kind of natural law.

Again, I know you're trying to help, but just because you have adopted this medical model for yourself(ves) does not mean it is The Truth for everyone.

Riddle, no offense, but it seems to me that you're actively trying to find something that's not DDNOS, DDNOS-1, or DID. Why is that? Do other diagnoses seem "better" to you somehow? Because it's important to keep an open mind to ALL possibilities, including DDNOS, DDNOS-1 (which would be a "lesser form" of DID with sides/alters/parts that aren't as developed/separated as they are in DID, and would be a strong possibility based on what your therapist has said), and DID.

Don't let yourself be lead in the wrong direction just because you do not want yourself to have DDNOS, DDNOS-1, or DID. You not wanting your condition to be something won't change what it is, it'll only cause you to be at risk for a misdiagnosis, or self-diagnosing yourself wrongly (although self-diagnosing shouldn't be done anyway), and it won't help you to progress, get the right therapy you need, or heal in any way.


-Cassandra

tribeofone wrote:

All dissociative disorders are similar, with common symptoms, and kindred causes of origin; however, each disorder develops in a different manner and produces a disease of its own unique nature, and falls under different structural complexity. They commonly depend on a schism of the emotional and apparently normal personality, and depending on the causes and the neurological response of the patient, the personality may split or integrate in unique ways...

Quantum, I don't mean to be rude, but your style is beginning to irk me as well a little. I know you're trying to help riddle and you've posted a lot of good information, but I think it is worth pointing out that yours is a very specific view of dissociative disorders (although one you have obviously arrived at by reading a lot of medical literature).

I see where you're coming from, but I wouldn't base my entire view of dissociative disorders on a few posts. For the record, I used to the word "disease" to refer to the state of being ill due to symptoms of the disorder.

I find the word "disease" frankly offensive. Up to you if you want to see yourself as "disordered" or "diseased" but I do not. I also am not a "patient" and I do not have a "split personality" in need of "integration". Also, while the structural model of dissociation is a popular model of explanation, it is not the only one. I find it a bit troubling to be honest that you profess these things as if they were some kind of natural law.

Why does that trouble you? There is a natural law. Although you may believe that this short and simple explanation is favoring the structural model as the Ultimate Truth, I definitely don't believe that to be so, and I didn't make it sound that way.

Dissociative identity disorder is a medical condition, and it is a disorder. Disorder doesn't mean illness or "special person" or "you're different." It's up to you if you want to pretend that it is not a disorder, or what have you. When I refer to disease I mean that the person with DID may be ill from it, as in not well, as most people are. After you become well, you are no longer ill... Why is "mental illness" offensive to you? Moreover, I didn't say that anyone was in need of integration.

Again, I know you're trying to help, but just because you have adopted this medical model for yourself(ves) does not mean it is The Truth for everyone.

Um, okay...?
Personally, I do not see one model as being the only accurate representation or diagnostic tool. Neither do I pretend that parallel models or varied theories are entirely separate and should not all be considered as a whole. You're being defensive and making assumptions about my view and arguing against things that I haven't said.

I didn't say my view was the ultimate truth and I did not say it was beyond question. I did not say that you were mentally ill, but what with is happening to the OP I would suspect that he is not well, because of a dissociative disorder. If you think he is all well, then maybe you can explain how his self-harm, emotional outbursting, severe stress, and memory loss are all signs of "being well."

If you have a problem with my scientific view, that's fine, but there's no need to accuse me of all these things that I haven't done. If you have a different model that you'd like to bring up, FEEL FREE. I agree with most clinical theory pertaining to DID. I'm not attacking your opinion, feel free to contradict mine at any point. It seems more like you just have issues with the words that I use. If you want to describe these conditions in a different way, FEEL FREE. No one is stopping you.

riddle wrote:actually my therapist said i probably am/have multipple "personalities", but not like the extreme cases. she said there are different degrees...? (that's why i wondered if there are any other disorders where one can have this trait...and not have DID or DDNOS)
she asked me this "early on" in therapy...but i laughed and said no, because i thought DID patients were as extreme as Sybil.
when i told her i felt apathetic and emotionless, and that my girlfriend and best friend said the same thing, she told me she didn't get that from me, i didn't act like it...so i went home confused, and talked to my girlfriend and best friend about it. and they said they weren't surprised my therapist said what she said. i always change if i'm at work, get visitors or if we visit someone. my girlfriend says i can just sit in a chair, hardly say a word, and be distant, but the second the doorbell rings or the second we visit someone i turn into someone who talks, laughs and jokes.
i can't control this, but has probably to do with hiding who you are, and your emotions? and nothing to do with DID?

I think we can all agree that you definitely have a dissociative disorder of some kind. No one has given any reasons as to which dissociative disorder that you have, except for the reason of, "sounds a lot like *such and such* disorder to me." Your therapist is going to have to make headway in the direction of your diagnosis. Hopefully they'll be able to provide more information for you and that would help you here, with us, as well.

In the meanwhile, you should be open to all possibilities. I understand your resistance to the DID diagnosis, but it would be better if you considered all dissociative disorders without resistance. If your therapist diagnosis or misdiagnosis you with any of these disorders, be sure to question it as much as possible, and bring up any arguments or doubts that you may have. That way, you will understand your diagnosis better and they will better understand your personal condition. Win win.

The feeling that you were imagining the voices when you tried to talk to them is very common in dissociative people. Just keep working at it, by saying things as openly and broadly as possible, as though you're speaking to people that you can't see or hear directly... After a while communication will become clearer when they're really trying to say something.

Cassandra:
i know :S ...sounds like i could never accept the diagnosis if i were to get it, but that is me in a nutshell, deny, deny, deny.
no other diagnosis sounds better....but somehow a diagnosis of DID would sound very extreme to me, i can just never imagine that diagnosis could fit me...

i'm wondering if emotional dysregulation is a DID/DDNOS trait?
my therapist seem to think i also have some problems with emotional regulation because of my past drinking problem.....and some ways i handle situations...i can't handle stress.(well sometimes i handle it very well...and other times not) but as far as i'm concerned i used to drink to calm my inner war(in my mind and body)...mostly.

it's pretty bad...that when i see the therapist i go blanker than ever....i can't remember anything...or tell her how i really feel...i can't remember what i used to feel about things or what i should say before after i'm out of her office....when she said "it sounds like you drink to regulate your emotions" i should have told her how it was(to calm my inner war)....but i'm like a zombie in there...i can't go through with testing either..because i have a tendency to answer no to questions i should answer yes :S i don't know why! it's not on purpose. i also went into a "trance state" during one of those tests and we had to stop.
i know i have memory problems...but in her office it's even worse...she must think my mind is made of air.

riddle wrote:Cassandra:
i know :S ...sounds like i could never accept the diagnosis if i were to get it, but that is me in a nutshell, deny, deny, deny.
no other diagnosis sounds better....but somehow a diagnosis of DID would sound very extreme to me, i can just never imagine that diagnosis could fit me...

Sometimes I think the only way I ever imagined it at first was because I read about it and was so relieved that there was actual words and terms and such for explaining what I experienced...

riddle wrote:i'm wondering if emotional dysregulation is a DID/DDNOS trait?
my therapist seem to think i also have some problems with emotional regulation because of my past drinking problem.....and some ways i handle situations...i can't handle stress.(well sometimes i handle it very well...and other times not) but as far as i'm concerned i used to drink to calm my inner war(in my mind and body)...mostly.

Yes, this is definitely a dissociative trait, and common with DID/DDNOS.

riddle wrote:it's pretty bad...that when i see the therapist i go blanker than ever....i can't remember anything...or tell her how i really feel...i can't remember what i used to feel about things or what i should say before after i'm out of her office....when she said "it sounds like you drink to regulate your emotions" i should have told her how it was(to calm my inner war)....but i'm like a zombie in there...i can't go through with testing either..because i have a tendency to answer no to questions i should answer yes :S i don't know why! it's not on purpose. i also went into a "trance state" during one of those tests and we had to stop.
i know i have memory problems...but in her office it's even worse...she must think my mind is made of air.

This sounds typical for a therapy appointment for someone who's dissociative. I'm sorry it's difficult for you right now. Maybe ask her to work on grounding techniques or something with you to help you work on staying more "here" or something? Or talk to her about how you feel and what happens during therapy for you? It's always good for the therapist to know as much about what's going on as possible.

-Cassandra

thank you for your reply Cassandra:)

i'm going through more testing...i'm working on..i think it's called scid-2? with my therapist. difficult to answer those questions in the test:S
going to continue on that on my next session...

i've been reading a bit about dissociation in BPD, they seem to have many of the same dissociative experiences...but according to the DMV the symptoms should be transient, and not chronic, like i feel. but i've read that some borderliners has chronic dissociation.

i kind of prefer dissociation than living in what other people call "reality"...living in reality must be horrible. it's useful to dissociate, if i'm worried about something or anxious and want to get away from thinking about it, i can forget my trouble..and not even remember what was troubling me. only problem is when it also happens to things i need to remember :S. especially frustrating when i forget about how to do something important at work every end of the month(routine related)...i have written it down..but i don't understand what i've written...and then i suddenly remember and get the whole context around it...but then i forget before i can write it down in a more understandable way,...0o....i have found several notes i have written on this topic, on how to do this simple job, but when the day comes...i have either forgotten about the notes, or i find them and they leave me blank because i don't understand what they say...so i write a new one(if i at all can remember it at last)..hoping that next time i need to use it....i will understand.
a few days ago i was on my way to work, all of the sudden i couldn't understand what i was doing in my car, i knew...but i didn't know:S and it felt like i was in a complete different county, and everything was something else, it felt like something shifted in my head..like a physical feeling and then i got a headace. A few days later i suddenly felt anxiety while working, thinking i couldn't do this, i had to escape, and all of the sudden the anxiety left(like gradually but pretty fast) and i felt confident and totally fine.
the dissociation is also not helpful when i'm about to tell the therapist about something...but as i am about to say it either my head goes blank, or i can't tell her what i'm about to say...feels like there's duct tape over my mouth, leaves me feeling exhausted just trying to think about what i was going to say, and then i forget.
horrible scenario: remembering all of hurtful past, dealing with everyday emotional problems and problems in general, and having no way of escape :O i believe that would definitely be the ultimate end of me.
i've read that people with BPD tend to blame others, whereas people with DID tend to blame themselves. i'm both, i can be very defensive or self-sacrifacing. sometimes both at the same time. my best friend says my opinions and persona changes depending on who i am around. (and that i forget what i've done/said to that person, and says something else to someone else) i don't understand, because i always stress my beliefs, and no one can change my opinions. i'm not someone who agrees with someone just to agree at all. i'm stubborn and have a lot of willpower. i don't interact a lot with people though, probably because of my huge mistrust in them + the fact that being around people is making me exhausted, trying to stay focused and not zone out. my girlfriend says i tend to misunderstand a lot, and answer on something complete different than was asked. i also tend to say one thing and do something complete different, guess this is why i always seem to end up in situations i don't want to be.
Anyway...my therapist suggested i would benefit from DBT....

Hope everyone has a good weekend:)

We fit many of the characteristics for BPD, and may very well have it, but we also know that we have DID, and we have that first and foremost. Schizophrenia, psychosis, BPD, and bipolar disorders share many common traits/symptoms/aspects with DID unfortunately, hence why DID is commonly misdiagnosed as those other conditions. A good therapist that is familiar with dissociative disorders (and hopefully DID specifically) should be able to tell the difference, and what it really comes down to is what condition "fits" you the most. Meaning, what condition explains everything best (or close to everything, or explains the most), what conditions' symptoms you "match" best, what experiences "fit" what you experiences best (like dissociative experiences for example), etc.


We definitely blame both others and ourselves, but that does not mean we're BPD. We may be, but we doubt it (at least, us having it as a whole, we doubt. There may be alters that could "have" BPD "themselves").


From your descriptions of how dissociating helps you and the changes with your opinions/personas, you sound more like you have a dissociative disorder than BPD. But either way, we agree with your therapist, as we've had DBT group therapy before and it helped us immensely. (We've also had DBT one-on-one with a therapist before, and that helped a lot as well).


We hope we did not miss anything that needed responding. And we hope that you have a good weekend and stay well.


- Mixture