Scared no one will believe us

I want to trust reality, but one of my alters doesn't. She is violent and wants to hurt ourselves and reality... But she hasn't been around lately though. Anyways, I feel like if I tell anyone about this multiplicity thing that's going on, I'm worried that they won't believe me. That alter I have is very scared of reality and I don't want to make her upset or anything by telling anyone... And besides when I've tried to talk about it in the past, I just freeze and can't say a word.

We had a bad experience with our T, like, one or two years ago. Reality found my notebook where I had written about us, and they asked me about it. As I said I couldn't say a word about it, but I was very scared and I was hoping that reality would help me. But they just said that my alter, the one that's violent and scared, was thoughts and feelings. It made us very sad and now she has no trust in reality whatsoever. I want to be able to talk about it in reality, but I'm scared that they won't believe it. I haven't actually switched to another alter although I've been co-hosting and co-concious.

I think I have amnesia walls around the age of 12, but I can't remember anything bad happening apart from when I was 12... And in order to split you have to be in childhood right? And unless there are other alters I don't know about that was made before I was 12, I can't have "real" DID, and maybe not even be dissociative (which I think I am but I don't think reality will think so). And honestly I don't know much about my alters either, more than what their purpose is, and a little about what they're like. I wish that I could just switch so that I could prove to reality that what I'm feeling is real. I know that if I can't get any "evidence" of this dissociative/multiplicity thing, reality won't believe me. I don't feel like I have to tell reality though but I just feel so lonely because I feel like my multiplicity/dissociation isn't enough to be considered "real".

Actually, you're not as alone as you think. Many people feel that their DID isn't at an obvious enough level to be considered "real", when in truth, this is NOT the case. If it is real to you, it is real. You have alters. They exist, they are real. Other people don't know what you experience, what goes on in your head, so they can't be quick to judge and just assume sh*t like that. And that therapist is completely incompetent. Any good therapist would've talked to you more about that stuff, or worked with you to help you feel more comfortable talking about it, not just automatically assumed you, who knows yourself best, were somehow wrong and that the alter is just "thoughts and feelings". Most here know what that's like. Therapists, especially ones who aren't familiar with dissociative disorders, often try to "explain away" alters as just being "thoughts or feelings", or just "voices", or something like that. Don't let them get to you! You know what's real. You know what you experience and what goes on inside your head better than anyone else could.


DID develops in childhood, due to trauma (not necessarily abuse, can be from stress, bullying, etc), and the disruption of the personality developmental processes. This does not mean, however, that you will have obvious signs of DID that early on, or that you'll notice them at all if they're there, or that you'll remember any obvious signs. Remember, DID is meant to stay hidden, so it's not going to be obvious or seem obvious. And yes, it's developed in childhood, but that doesn't mean you're going to remember what caused it to help develop, or immediately know what helped it to develop, or anything like that. You could have an alter keeping that knowledge from you/those memories form you, you could have suppressed it from your memory to help yourself cope, or it could've been something that was big/traumatic enough to you at the time but now that you look back on it, it doesn't seem "that bad" or "that traumatic enough". Keep in mind that what's traumatic to a child isn't always going to seem traumatic when you look back on it when you're older.


All alters are there from the beginning, or at least, the "blueprints" for alters are there. Whether they come out or not, or are developed further later, that depends, but every alter you have now was always there to begin with in some form. Doesn't mean you were aware of them, doesn't mean they were fully developed as alters, doesn't mean that you'd know about them that early on or even now that you're looking back on it, and it doesn't mean that they came out at all during that time period, but they were there (or at least, like I said, their "blueprints" were).

See, we all start out with neurons that make up our personality. Oh wait, *Trigger Warning: Talk of DID development*
The personality developmental processes occur during childhood.
In "normal" development, these neurons become structured, they "meld" together, some are kept, others are gotten rid of, until they're fully structured together, forming a whole personality.
With DID development, this structuring process is interrupted/disrupted in some way (usually by trauma or the "side effects" of trauma), and so the neurons don't become structured together, they end up staying separated. These "separated" neurons form "sides" of the personality, which later create/develop into alters, but at they're needed. So, basically, you start out "split", but alters don't develop further as separate alters until they're needed for some reason (to help cope, to protect, to take care of yourself, to survive). And even then, just as you develop over time, they develop further over time, with the separation becoming more obvious as the different "sides"/alters of the personality develop through experiences, lesson, time, etc. So, the neurons/"blueprints" of every alter you have (including any that you may not be aware of/know about yet) were there from the beginning, and then when there's a need for something that's not there (like a protector), that's when that "side" of the personality begins to develop further and become more of an alter.
*End Trigger Warning*


You don't have to switch to have DID. Some systems are always co-conscious, or co-hosting with each other.

What you need to do is find a therapist that's familiar with dissociative disorders, preferably DID specifically.

Other than that, it's ok that you don't know much right now. Don't expect all of your questions to be answered immediately, and don't expect this to all feel real all the time. Sometimes it won't feel real and you'll question yourself. That's doubt/denial kicking in, fight it. Doubt/denial is often a reflexive defensive mechanism that kicks in when you're finding out more, learning more, and becoming more aware of everything DID-related. This is because the whole point of a DID system is to help the host/main one "out" cope and function while seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. If alters, symptoms, and the DID is obvious, or learned about, or "found out", then that's not helping you to seem as "normal" and "ok" as possible. Stay strong, don't let your doubts get to you, and just try to keep up the good work with communicating and learning more about yourselves and such. This will get better over time!


~Phenix

Phenix, that's exactly what I need to hear right now! Thank you for believing in me/us. I totally know what you mean about the therapist explaining it away. That's exactly what she did. It feels so good reading that you believe me, that what is happening is real etc, because there has been lots of times where people have doubted about other things that has been going on, such as abuse etc... And it's very hard when you're scared no one will believe you.

I think you're right that maybe I've suppressed it or another alter is holding memories of it. Or of course it could be something that I don't think is that bad now, looking back at it. This gave me things to think about.

What you wrote about personality development and "blueprints" are interesting, I haven't heard about that before. What are "blueprints"?

I'll definelty try to get to know my system better and communicating. Haven't really got the hang of it but I have to be patient, I'm trying to let them know that it's ok for them not to say anything and be quiet if they want to, although if they want they can also let me know things. I think I talked to Cassandra (if I'm not mistaken) about my questions/concerns about communicating with my system.

Anyways you got me hopeful to this multiplicity thing and once again thanks for believing that what I experience is real.

You're welcome! Glad I could be of help!


"So, the neurons/"blueprints" of every alter you have (including any that you may not be aware of/know about yet) were there from the beginning,"

"Blueprints" is just what I call the neurons that form the personality, forming "sides" of the personality in DID development, and those "sides"/separated neurons are what later develop into alters, so they're like "blueprints" for alters, building blocks, a starting point, in a way. And since neurons are there form the beginning, that means that the "sides" that later develop into alters are there from the beginning, since they form during the personality developmental processes for DID, which occur in childhood.

There's more about it here, in this thread:
~~ Is there such a thing as splitting?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101763.html (Possibly triggery, talks about DID development)


Again, glad i could help!


~Phenix