I want to leave now

I don't want to be here anymore how can I go? Pills might not work

*trigger warning*

Darling, I hope you're not thinking of suicide. There is always something to live for. It can be God, an animal, a person, an alter. Someone wants you alive. I want you alive.

And no, pills might not work. Jo tried them. Slicing your wrists? Same thing, Jo tried. And Theresa tried both as well. Even a gun doesn't always work, Jo's friend's brother was shot in the head and lived. Nothing is guaranteed and the guilt after is horrendous.

Darling, there's always tomorrow, or the day after that.

Nadia

Nobody has ever said they want me to be alive... that is such kind words to say, thank you.
I just feel so suffocated, so lost, not sure how much longer I can carry on. I hate everyone around me.

Darling, I wasn't lying, I want you alive. And if someone who barely knows you can say that and be honest when doing so, imagine all the other people who you haven't met yet who will feel the same but stronger!

We all feel lost. For some it's harder than others, but those people that it's harder on? They're special, because they are so much stronger than anyone gives them credit for. That's you. That's my fellow alter Theresa. You are brave, you just have to keep being brave because you're worth that bravery.

Nadia

Suicide isn't the answer. I'd know. I learned that. I've attempted it before. I realized it's a very selfish decision to make, because you're going to negatively affect someone, whether it's someone you know or a stranger like a doctor or a cop that finds your body or something. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, because I'm not saying you're selfish, I'm just stating what I've come to realize.

No storm lasts forever. Eventually, even the worst storms clear up and the sun shines through the clouds once again.

When I'm suicidal, L.C. reminds me of the quote she and I came up with together: Life is like a painting canvas. Whether it's stained, ripped, or already has something painted on it, nothing can stop you from painting over it with your own choices. Nothing can stop you from turning the canvas given to you into your own work of art".

I'm not good at being helpful, but I agree with Nadia, and I want you to live as well. You DESERVE to live. And besides, you've survived this long, haven't you? I'd say that makes it clear you're able to survive longer, long enough to heal, and long enough to start actually living.

I want you to live, too.

So do I.

i do too!

We all want you to live, and think you deserve to live, and think you're strong enough to make it through this. Won't be easy, but it's possible.

Please, keep typing to us, or call a hotline, or both. Keep yourself safe and please don't do anything to harm yourself. You don't deserve it.

~Luna


I wrote these song lyrics while staring at a sunset over a bridge while L.C. and Luna contemplated suicide. I hope they're helpful to you in some way. I think they helped save my life that day:

"I once saw a sunset,
Gazing down at me.
With its multi-colored eyes,
Pretty, rainbow eyes.

I once saw a sunset,
Staring down at me.
And it seemed to say...

There is more to life,
than you could ever imagine.

There is more to life,
than you can behold.

If you close your eyes,
and just try to picture,
Life as precious as a painted sky."



~Kyra

I am too confused to quote your replys sorry.
I find it so hard to imagine anyone loving me, let alone wanting me to be around.
I don't feel secure at home anymore I just want to be alone. I'm struggling so much.

All your words and thoughts are helping me, distracting me, letting me know I am not alone.
I think I may need to have more help soon... seeing a therapist twice a week isn't enough. Not sure if anything will ever be enough? The mental health system is no help to me. I have to pay 80pound a week tosee a T I can not keep affording this
I wish they had intensive rehab centres for people like me. Somewhere to be calm, find peace and prepare me for the torturous road ahead. I am still in denial of my mind, who is in there, who I am and my past. I am 23years old amd mever felt normal, at peace, functioning.

Mental health care in any country is bullsh!t. I've been where you are when I was younger. And unlike what I hope for you, I tried suicide, three times.

This site has online chat, but I don't know its hours: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I'm talking now cause Nadia gives hope to us, but she's never been there. Me and Theresa have. We've tried it in so many forms. Trust me, you can survive this.

It might seem hopeless, it might seem like it's your only option, but it isn't. You can get better, just keep talking to people. - Theresa

I'm/the body's 21 years old, and we know exactly how you feel. Especially with therapy troubles and such. But worrying about those things and asking questions you don't have answers to, like "Will this be enough for me?" won't get you anywhere. It'll only distract you from healing and from what you should be focusing on- positive things, what you do know, what's good about you, what's good in your life, etc. Even if there's only small things, those are still good things! You have this site and support here, that's one good thing in your life already! You have therapy for now- some people don't have it at all, so that's another good thing!

This stuff doesn't get better overnight, or when we want it to, unfortunately. It's going to take time. I know some people on here who are much older than us and they're still healing (mainly because their healing journey started later than it did with us, but still). It's never too late to heal, and healing is possible as long as you don't give up on it!

You are most certainly NOT alone! This forum alone is FULL of people who have had the same feelings, thoughts, worries, etc., that you're having right now! We've had them ourselves several times. We used to be much, much more suicidal, but over time, slowly, we've gotten better. *Trigger Warning* We've even managed to stop cutting, and haven't cut in... I want to say, a year? At least? If not more. *End Trigger Warning* It is possible for you to get better, for you to heal, and for everything to get better. Won't be easy, no, but it is possible as long as you don't give up on yourself.

Denial is tough! Don't be hard on yourself. It gets easier to fight denial over time, trust me, I know from experience. I'm actually fighting a bit of denial currently, but it's gotten A LOT easier for me already from the first time I experienced a strong bout of denial.

Unfortunately, the mental health system isn't perfect anywhere. But this doesn't mean healing is impossible. And you shouldn't be focusing on your struggles right now- that'll only make everything worse. What you need right now is to take care of yourself!! Put on a funny or favorite movie, put on some positive music, eat a favorite snack, snuggle up with a nice blanket, and just be. Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything, just let yourself be and try to relax. The mind's like a computer- if you overwork it, it'll start to overheat and crash, and so you need to take time to just let it rest, without thinking about anything, especially the negative stuff. It's so easy to get stuck on all the negatives and only see those- try to look for the positives and focus on those instead. Maybe make a list every day of good things about yourself, or about that day, or about your life, or a thing you saw that made you happy, or something. Anything positive to help brighten your day, write it down, and carry that list with you to help remind yourself of the positives.

I had a tough time getting out of my house and feeling secure. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. But it won't be like this forever. It won't. Nothing stays the same forever. It might seem like it at times, but it doesn't. Things CAN get better for you, it just might not happen as soon as you want them to. Sometimes you just have to hang on and stay as strong as you can and wait for the storm to pass, waiting for the sun to break through the clouds again.

You deserve to be loved! You should be loved! We're careful with the word love, but we certainly care about you and want you to stay here and live!! *safe hugs if wanted*

I hope you feel better soon. This, just like any other tough time, will pass as well if you let it.


-Cassandra

You are cared about here. We want you to live and to learn how to thrive and enjoy your life. It can take time and the road can feel so long, but I believe you will get there.

*trigger warning*
We have had many suicide attemps; by my count (from what I know, that means), collectively we've had about 8 I think - more or less discounting the many different attempts done in a row.
*trigger warning end*

I didn't think we'd end up where we are now. We are relatively functioning and we have a life we enjoy. We feel happy most of the time. I believe you can get to this point too, and I whole heartedly believe you deserve it.

Hold on to what you can.
We're thinking of you.