Intergration

*Triggering... maybe* *Talks about integration and other alters*
Racheal: Maybe we should integrate. So we can focus on school. But too bad there's no way to find a therapist(?) to heal us here in a small town. If we can't integrate, well we should push ourselves. Like try to go through all the obstacles in our life until we can integrate. But sometimes, when I think about other alters' problems, Nurul should know how to be more talkative, Eve should know how to handle her anger, and Sarah should stop being addicted to masturbating. Well, maybe that's just some small problems that we can solve it. Well, not by ourselves but with someone. Yeah, I was ranting and stuff. So yeah... we haven't post here for a while.

Alters can learn how to heal and get better on their own with the help of other alters and without needing integration. Rain's helped me to learn how to calm down and have more patience. And keep a clearer head in certain situations. Yeah, that too. I've helped Cassandra and Luna to grow a bit of a backbone and stand up for themselves. Dallas has helped others to be more confident. Cassie helps others to loosen up and have fun. We all help each other work on our weaknesses, and teach each other our strengths.

School isn't priority compared to your health. Your health, well-being, and needs come first. School and other things like that come second.

Pushing yourself is good- to an extent. Push yourself too much, and you'll only end up burning yourself out and making things harder on yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. No one and nothing's perfect, and the only thing that should be your main concern is your well-being, health, and happiness.

No one "should" know how to do anything. You can't expect someone to know how to do something they weren't taught, or never did, or aren't used to doing. This is where it helps to help each other out and teach each other how to be more talkative, or how to handle anger better, or how to deal with addictions.

I mainly want you to know that you can be healed and functional without needing integration. Integration is a choice, it's not the only way to heal or be functional. You can be a fully-functional team, but it won't happen overnight, just like healing and integration won't happen overnight. But it is possible.

And until you heal, progress is possible. You can still work on and help each other to get better with your individual issues/problems, and you can still get better to some degree.

Other than that, rant away as needed. That's what this place is here for.


-KAT

There are many paths to healing. I hope you find the one that works best for you Best of luck.

Yeah, I understand the feeling. I know I'm able to focus, for example, but I just can't with anything school-related (I think I 'switch' then). It are more like, sides or something of me it seems, but still one side is capable of certain things while another side is not. And 'switching' is often not wanted.

My T once mentioned integration (or rather, 'merging the different modi', he doesn't seem to want to use the word 'alter', and I'm not entirely sure that's it what is going on, but anyway). Wait, what? Integration? I'd rather first get to know 'myself' better and learn to deal with life better, then think about that.

integration will remove amnesia,identity problems, internal and external personality related conflicts etc. improve concentration and a lot more, but it's overwhelming/paralyzing to actually feel/think/understand/know/etc all the "things". and there is a "next step for recovery" after integration.

I know this because I've been fully integrated (have no alters any more) for the past 4 months. the first 3 months were chaos. but it's a lot better now. even though some dissociation is still there, it's no where near before integration.

sorry for the rant
hope this helps

sanan22 wrote:integration will remove amnesia,identity problems, internal and external personality related conflicts etc. improve concentration and a lot more, but it's overwhelming/paralyzing to actually feel/think/understand/know/etc all the "things". and there is a "next step for recovery" after integration.

I know this because I've been fully integrated (have no alters any more) for the past 4 months. the first 3 months were chaos. but it's a lot better now. even though some dissociation is still there, it's no where near before integration.

sorry for the rant
hope this helps

You can remove amnesia, identity problems, and everything else by healing and becoming a fully-cooperative, fully-functioning (meaning fully co-conscious, so thus, no memory issues because you're all either aware of what's going on or you share memories and so there's no blank spots for anyone), system/team. Integration is a healing option, a choice, it's not the only way to heal and "solve" everything.
On good days, when we're close to our full potential, I feel like I can actually function better than most singletons, because we're all aware, we're all helping each other out, we're all on the same page, we're all working together, and there's no real problems/issues at all, and I feel much more stable in the sense of being able to handle different situations and such just as well, if not better, than singletons.

I'm glad integration has worked for you, and that you've gotten better, and I didn't mean any offense. I just wanted to say that integration is not the only way to get better and to "solve" all the dissociative issues. You can stay multiple and heal and be just as functional as singletons as well.


-Cassandra

this could be triggering for people who are really adverse to integration!

sanan22, I'm curious - our system is talking about integration, we haven't made any choices but we want to know what exactly our options are. The problem is, no one in here can imagine what integration would look like, or how it could technically function.

what steps did you take, roughly? particularly, how did integration remove your in-system conflicts?

We cannot figure out what to do about conflicts (fundamental ones, not just what we want for dinner). we are all so different, with different outlooks, we have to constantly negotiate and mediate between parts. This works ok for us because we're all respectful and empathic with each other. but if we integrate, wouldn't we be left with as much conflict, just without any boundaries? that doesn't sound too functional.

Anyway, we're interested in your experience!

our lot, not sure which

tribeofone wrote:this could be triggering for people who are really adverse to integration!

sanan22, I'm curious - our system is talking about integration, we haven't made any choices but we want to know what exactly our options are. The problem is, no one in here can imagine what integration would look like, or how it could technically function.

what steps did you take, roughly? particularly, how did integration remove your in-system conflicts?

We cannot figure out what to do about conflicts (fundamental ones, not just what we want for dinner). we are all so different, with different outlooks, we have to constantly negotiate and mediate between parts. This works ok for us because we're all respectful and empathic with each other. but if we integrate, wouldn't we be left with as much conflict, just without any boundaries? that doesn't sound too functional.

Anyway, we're interested in your experience!




our lot, not sure which

1-when I integrated most of the ideas/thoughts of my alters became mine, so I could follow and understand those thoughts without needing anyone else to explain those to me. this was the major step in solving internal conflicts that were there before integration. conflicts won't disappear 100% because it's totally normal to have some internal conflicts even for singletons, but those sort of conflicts are a lot easier to solve because what used to different alters views are all one person's views (after integration) and it becomes a matter of deciding what's best.
2-also we found answering simple questions involving the words "I" and "you" (what do you like to eat?, what is your opinion on the subject? etc etc) really difficult to answer because of all the colliding internal answers. this issue was gone after integration.
3-I also had problems concentrating and not dissociating when I was doing some stressful/important/tiring. this has become much less after integration
4- I used to dissociate a lot! in social situations. this is now less

these were a few examples of the effects of integration I've experienced so far.

as for the "steps" I followed.
1-it started with understanding why certain alters were made and what their roles were.
2-then we compared the importance of their roles back in time vs today and decided which roles don't need to be separate any more (in my case it was fear,anger,hatred,being self-sufficient, sexuality, health management etc).
3-then the alters with "smallest" roles were integrated one by one until only the "key" alters were left (4 alters in my case).
at this point there were still talks about integrating alters one by one. but one day all of them "disappeared" from the inner world. it felt really lost and empty inside. it lasted about 1 month. but then thoughts and feeling of those alters started "coming to me" as I explained earlier. and about 1,5 month ago I became totally sure that all the alters were integrated

I'm still dissociative but I'm not DID anymore

Thank you sanan22 for the description. This makes me want to integrate even more. Especially (currently):

sanan22 wrote:3-I also had problems concentrating and not dissociating when I was doing some stressful/important/tiring. this has become much less after integration

But really, all of it. Unfortunately, it will be a long time before I'll ever reach that. (This doesn't mean I shouldn't try!)

Also:

sanan22 wrote:2-also we found answering simple questions involving the words "I" and "you" (what do you like to eat?, what is your opinion on the subject? etc etc) really difficult to answer because of all the colliding internal answers. this issue was gone after integration.

I had sometimes problems with those questions before I knew about the dissociation.

oaktree wrote:Thank you sanan22 for the description. This makes me want to integrate even more. Especially (currently):

sanan22 wrote:3-I also had problems concentrating and not dissociating when I was doing some stressful/important/tiring. this has become much less after integration

But really, all of it. Unfortunately, it will be a long time before I'll ever reach that. (This doesn't mean I shouldn't try!)

note: I wrote "much less" meaning "less often". because when I do dissociate it's still crippling and I have to stop doing what I'm doing until I'm back to normal again. but that doesn't happen as often as before.