I Can't Do Anything *might trigger*

I suppose this is another rant. I apologize now if nothing makes sense or I ramble on too much. I just feel fed up. I can't function. I can't do anything. I can't feel good about anything and I have nothing that drives me to succeed. I've been sat in this room for nearly 8 months and I told myself at the beginning I would make the most of my time off. But what have I achieved? Not a lot. I've managed to create some artwork and I've sold a fair bit of it but I haven't done as much as I wanted to. I planned on writing a book in my time off and I've only got a page. A page in 8 months...it should be a page in 8 minutes. Why can't I do anything?

I'm always so tired. It gets so exhausting having them talk to me in my head all day. It gets annoying when I want to do one thing but then suddenly I want to do something else and then I switch again and want to do something different. I feel dead inside. It doesn't help that the people in my life look down on me but I'm starting to think they are right. I probably will fail as I can't do anything. I literally get out of bed and sit here until it's time to sleep again. I feel no excitement or joy or inspiration. I just feel empty. I spend so much time in my head, in my little world, with the people I love but none of that is real. I wish it was. That's the only place I feel emotion. I feel nothing good about the real world. I'm not suicidal but I honestly don't value this life. For me this life is one that I have to live but I don't care what happens in it, as long as I can go off to my own world inside. I don't believe in an afterlife so I guess what I'm really doing is just waiting for eternal darkness. I love my lucid dreaming but even then I struggle to motivate myself to practice techniques during the day.

I just wish I felt alive. My alters try to help me as best they can. They try to motivate me but it just doesn't help. I want to get more artwork done and sell more of it. I want to be a writer but I can't seem to get inspired to do it. I need something. I need help.

First of all, if you keep telling yourself you can't do something, and keep expecting sh*t that you might not be able to do right now (like writing a page in 8 minutes- on a good day I couldn't do that sh*t by the way), and keep focusing on all the sh*t you can't do or haven't been able to do recently, then you're not going to get anywhere and you really won't be able to do anything. You are your own worst enemy here. What you tell yourself and focus on will either hinder you greatly, or help you to actually do sh*t.

Realize that changes have happened. Make smaller, more reasonable goals that you can accomplish. Stop setting the bar so high for yourself (wow, did I just f*#king say that?). I would know. I strive for perfection. I strive to always reach the same standard. Failure is unacceptable. But I've learned that what is viewed as a failure can be changed, and that sometimes, no matter how strong you are, good you are, in control you are, sh*t gets out of your control, and you have to learn how to adapt with changes, not always try to refuse them and fight against them. If you swim against the current of the river, you're only going to tire yourself out, make it hard on yourself, and get nowhere. If you let the current carry you down the river and wait until you find an easy place to swim to shore, you're going to get somewhere, you won't be struggling as much, and you won't tire yourself out before you can get back on your feet.

If you think that the people looking down on you are right, then they will become right. YOU are the one who can either prove them wrong or right. That is up to YOU. You can choose to let people like that help keep you down and believe in their unhelpful words, or you can choose to believe in yourself and not give up, and find ways to become successful.

Stop trying to do so much. This is a lot of sh*t to deal with at times. Rest when you need to. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up if you don't finish something- simply try again another day. Make smaller goals- baby steps are still forward progress. Maybe stop trying to write a book or take on any serious sh*t right now. Still work on doing artwork, as you can't just let yourself fall into nothingness, and sometimes just forcing yourself to do a routine, like doodling for 20 min every day, can help you start to get back into sh*t. But don't put importance on things you don't have to do that can cause unnecessary stress (like your book. Keep that plan, but change the goal to better suit you for now, and don't put importance on writing it within a certain time period).

You sound like you need rest, a break, a recharge. You definitely have the want to do things, so there's at least partial motivation. You definitely have the desire to accomplish things, so more partial motivation. But I think you're just running yourself too ragged right now. Expecting too much, asking too much of yourself, setting standards too high. Take a break, take a breather, and rest for a day or two. Just don't give a flying f*#k about anything, don't worry about anything, don't expect anything from yourself, just be. Eat, hydrate, rest, watch movies, listen to music, or something, and just be. Sometimes we need to just be. The mind can be like a computer- if you leave it on for too long and run too much sh*t on it, it's going to burn out and start to run slower and not work as well.

The more you rely on your own world and the more you say "I only have emotions there", the more it's going to be true and the more you'll need your own world. Try to keep yourself in reality more, no matter how sucky it is. (Yes, reality can suck major @$$ and sometimes it's hard to feel anything in it, but if you don't learn how to handle it/cope with it, it will stay miserable for you and nothing will ever get better). Change in the scale you're looking for doesn't happen over night. It will take time before you begin to feel and form emotional attachments to reality. It will take time before reality gets better for you. Wishing for your world to be real won't get you anywhere, it won't make it real, it won't change anything, and it won't make anything better. If you're bored in reality, try to not escape into your world, try to find something to do in reality, or just stay bored in reality. Sometimes people are bored and we have to learn how to cope with that. Same thing with other emotions/moods. Try to find ways for you to entertain or distract yourself in reality, or at least just try to stay in reality even if you can't find a way to change how you feel or something. This could help you learn how to cope with reality and live in it more often.

Motivations like deadlines, saying you've failed, saying you should do something, or sh*t like that, aren't always good motivators, and don't always work. True motivation comes from actually wanting to do something. And if you're exhausted, you're not going to truly want to do anything. That's why I think you're just burned out and need to take it easy. You show desire. You show drive. You show want. So I know you have motivation in there somewhere. You just might be too burned out to access it right now, and that happens to people sometimes, and that's ok. Just means you need to take a break and stop being so hard on yourself.

Hope you feel better soon.


-KAT