Discovering the system and I

*May trigger*

I haven't had a formal diagnosis though my therapist has suggested I am on the DID spectrum. I'm still learning the differences between alters and fragments as well as allowing myself to discover how I work.

I thought I would make my own thread for it because I'm not really sure where I fit in yet.


Introductions
Host 25 - Student/writer/volunteer History of abuse in all forms. Able to remember to age 5 but has only partial memory of abuse prior to that age

Bethany 19 Bethany is a sexual personality that took over during the sexual abuse and takes over from time to time now. She has her own set of memories and abilities but hasn't chosen to communicate with me about herself.

Bethy (little) Bethy is a sexualised little. I guess, like Bethany, she doesn't really have a sense of self because she chooses to be whatever men wish her to be. I'm not sure if she is an ego state or alter

Livi 5 is me and not me. She doesn't look like me. She shares my natural hair colour but she is more of the kind of girl i wanted to be. She's playful and loving. Curious. A bit bossy too. She is more like an imaginary friend than anyone else

Nikita 13Chose her name from a girl we liked as a teenager. She has mood swings and lots of self hate. Her thought processes are different to mine

Heptet (ageless) Is the observer and philosopher. She came about when I needed help to stop Nikita self destructing into oblivion. She took on the therapy techniques and mindfulness. She doesnt have any emotions. I chose her name because it means protector (in its essence). She doesnt have a body. She can be the logical/unemotional parent too.

Unknown - this entity appears to take over when nobody else can. Examples: when all of the system wants to disclose abuse but doing so isn't safe so we say the disclosure in our heads but this person will say what the listener wants to hear out loud. I won't know this has happened until I hear the other person's response. I believe this entity is responsible or related to the few blocks of full amnesia I have in my life.

More in next comment (to avoid long post)

I think I have been very successful at hiding enough of my behaviours to not really notice things

I tend to have a pretty tight grip on myself. Hep and I are present most of the time and seem to represent two levels of awareness about memories and feelings. My therapist said I argue with myself a lot.

As I said before; Bethany comes out as she is needed and when she feels like it. When she isn't around my sexual knowledge drops considerably - though less noticeable now I've been with a partner for 2 years.

Nikita takes over fairly often and that usually involves a slide into depression and self harm because she doesn't know how to handle the feelings she has been left with. But more scary is when Liv or Bethy takes over. I have done illegal things in their form because children as young as them dont have a full understanding of consequence.

Then there have been times when I haven't known if I had said something or thought it. So I don't really get the memory blackouts just a distortion of reality. I missed out this fraction or alter. Often my time slips by and I put it down to zoning out. My forgetfulness has been put down to laziness or not concentrating enough.

I feel safer to reveal more of my internal world. My head has been noisy ever since my therapist revealed meeting two personalities (her words when i said i dont have distinct personalities) and its a mix of relief and fear. I think part of me is relieved because if she has seen two of me and not blinked then it must be safe to bring out more. The fear comes from not knowing how that would look or feel and where that would go. But my inner child won't stop chattering about how it's her turn and she wants to play.

I've had an anxious knot in my stomach ever since.

I worry that I will become isolated from support or that exploring this in therapy might cause a crisis.

We just wanted to comment that there's no real place for anyone to "fit in" when dealing with DID, since it's very personal condition, and can vary a lot from person to person.

And imaginary friends don't reply back of their own free will if you talk to them. You have to think up the imaginary friend's response and then imagine them saying it. Alters respond without you doing anything, and you might not always like what they say/do. So, despite seeming or feeling like an imaginary friend, Livi 5 is (most likely) an alter. If she's able to respond without you thinking up her response for her, she's an alter.

Otherwise, it's nice to learn more about all of you, and welcome!


-A mixture of us(?)

-- Tue Jan 15, 2013 6:58 pm --

Exploring this in therapy is the best thing you could do for all of yourself!!! Especially since you were so well-received by your therapist even after she met two alters! That is great! Sometimes it's very hard to find a therapist that's so accepting.

Fear is natural. The main purpose of a DID system is to help the host, you, function and seem as "normal" and "ok" as possible, even if you really aren't. If the alters and system is obvious, known about, or "found out", that doesn't exactly help you to seem as "normal" and "ok" as possible. Fear, doubt, and denial are common defensive mechanisms/reactions because of this. It's important to constantly reassure yourself and your alters/system that you are ok, they are ok, it's ok for them to be out, it's ok for them to come forward, it's ok for them to be known about (by your therapist especially!), etc.

Cassandra never used to notice her lost time. (Aka "black outs"). The time she would lose would be mere seconds, minutes, hardly anything noticeable. So it's possible that you're losing time/blacking out and not noticing it. It's also common for people with DID to put their memory issues down as just being lazy, or zoning out, or simple forgetfulness, when really, it's lost time/DID-related memory issues.

Who would you be isolated from? You're under no obligation to do anything you don't wish to do. However, exploring this in therapy would help all of you to get better, function better, and even heal completely. But the choice of when to start the healing journey is always up to you.

At the very least, you have now found a place where you will always have support and understanding.


~A mixture of us(?)

Thanks

I guess i meant like an imaginary friend because we play together and i feel comfortable buying her things and reading her stories. Sometimes we are friends and sometimes I or someone will be her mother.

I don't know how to connect to bethy or nikita and Bethany doesn't want to be connected to or doesnt seem to want it. She's so angry at me.

---

Some people talk about using we to refer to themselves. I do that more now but prior to really even knowing about DID I would often catch myself saying things like I hate you and then have to correct it because I had meant me.....except maybe I had meant a part of me.

Just seen the updated reply

I fear being isolated from a community of survivors I have learned to heal with because now i am different. Which is silly really because they are the most accepting people I have ever met. I worry that they will think I'm a hypochondriac or seeing things the way i "want" to see them. I guess because they are my chosen family and friends I am placing my fears onto them even though I know from experience none of this would be true.

Plus, now I have an extra support system in this place.

My head has been noisy. Livi has been excited to come out and meet my therapist now she is a safe person. I'm still hesitant but she really wants to have someone see her so she can feel real. Or maybe to prove to me that she is real.

It's easy for her...she's the perfect one. She doesn't do bad things and when she does do bad things they are accepted bad things that make people love her more. Like steal teddies because she thinks they are unloved. Everyone will think she is cute. Of course she would get to meet E

Um so a lot of noise and mixed emotions. I'm probably holding the others back because im still unsure of how safe E is. Can we really be ourselves.

tazzy wrote:Just seen the updated reply

I fear being isolated from a community of survivors I have learned to heal with because now i am different. Which is silly really because they are the most accepting people I have ever met. I worry that they will think I'm a hypochondriac or seeing things the way i "want" to see them. I guess because they are my chosen family and friends I am placing my fears onto them even though I know from experience none of this would be true.

Plus, now I have an extra support system in this place.

It's natural to fear loss when changes are happening. It's natural to feel scared that people will leave you if knowledge about yourself changes. But if these are true family/friends, then they won't care, and they will accept you no matter what.

And you are always welcome here. There will always be support and understanding for you here.

tazzy wrote:My head has been noisy. Livi has been excited to come out and meet my therapist now she is a safe person. I'm still hesitant but she really wants to have someone see her so she can feel real. Or maybe to prove to me that she is real.

It's common for the head to get noisy with increased attention, awareness, and during the discovery and acceptance processes. Definitely take time to take care of yourself and your others. Be kind to yourself. Take naps. Maybe do some meditation. Listen to relaxing music when you're able to. Stuff like that.

We know all too well how that feeling is. Needing to be known. Needing to be proven. Needing to be out. To prove to the self, to prove to others, to have a hold on reality to grasp onto. To have a sense of "yes, this is real, I am real". If I were you, I would have a talk or leave notes for Livi about thinking about meeting the therapist. Ask her why she wants to, ask her when she'd like to, ask her what she'd like to talk about with the therapist, etc. And then talk with her about realistic possibilities. She has as much right as you do to see the therapist and go to therapy. But explain to her that this can't be a rushed decision. Explain to her that you want to make sure she's trustworthy, and that you're only looking out for her, yourself, and everyone else. Explain that you simply don't want anyone getting hurt or anything like that.

tazzy wrote:It's easy for her...she's the perfect one. She doesn't do bad things and when she does do bad things they are accepted bad things that make people love her more. Like steal teddies because she thinks they are unloved. Everyone will think she is cute. Of course she would get to meet E

Hello Nikita! It's nice to meet you and hear from you.
I'm sorry you seem to have some resentment against the host.

You should realize that no one's perfect, not even the host. But everyone has the ability to be good, including you. Stealing is still wrong, and shouldn't be accepted just because there's a "cute" reason. Any logical person would be able to see and understand this. We're sure that supposed cuteness and perfection are not the reasons for why the host got to meet the therapist. The host usually gets to meet people like therapists because, well, they're the host. They're usually "out" the most or the most "up front" usually, and they tend to handle everyday stuff, such as therapy.

But you have every right to meet the therapist if you want to, and you have every right to be a part of therapy. That doesn't mean it can happen right away, though. Yes, therapists are there to help you, and yes, they should be accepting of you and everything, but the unfortunate truth is that trusting people, even a therapist, can be hard, and building that trust and making sure that the other person, therapist or not, won't hurt you, can be even harder and it can take time. All this means is that you might have to be a little patient, and that's not a bad thing.

What you could do is talk to the host about why you want to meet the therapist, and when you'd like to meet her. Now, the time that you want might not happen, but at least you and the host might be able to come up with a time for you to meet the therapist that you can both agree on.

Communication is important. Not just for this situation, but in general. Communication is how people and alters alike learn about each other, understand each other, and understanding helps people to be more cooperative with each other. Because how easy is it to think up solutions, much less agree on one, when you don't know or understand much about each other? Knowing and understanding all the why's, what's, who's, when's, and how's of each other is important if anything's going to be worked out successfully.

We bet you're just as cute as the host, too.

tazzy wrote:Um so a lot of noise and mixed emotions. I'm probably holding the others back because im still unsure of how safe E is. Can we really be ourselves.

Lots of noise and mixed emotions are "normal" for DID, and can be quite common. With increasing knowledge of what's going on, it increases you're awareness of things happening inside, because all of a sudden you know what to look for, you're learning what to notice, you're learning about things you didn't know before and so of course there's going to be increased awareness. Just try to stay calm, relax, and go with the flow. Deep breaths, counting to ten, closing your eyes, stepping out for fresh air, that type of stuff. It will get better over time.

As far as your therapist goes, that is a question only you can answer for yourself. However, if the therapist really did receive the two alters she already met well, and if she's still seeing you, and if she seems supportive of you even after meeting the two alters, and if she doesn't seem to doubt you, to us, that makes her a pretty good find of a therapist, and if it was our judgement, we'd deem her as safe.

Sometimes though, you can't wait to prove that something or someone is safe. You just have to go for it, lay out all your cards on the table, nothing to hide. Because sometimes, that's needed. Sometimes you have to know sooner rather than later if someone, especially a therapist, is going to be a good fit for you, and is actually going to be helpful to/for you. Sometimes you can't wait for yourself to be ready, you just have to take a deep breath and dive in and hope for the best. Because for us, it is better to know sooner rather than later if someone's not a good "fit" for us. We'd rather lay out all our cards and know before anything goes further, before we get any closer, before anything more happens, if this person is a good "fit" for us and if they're going to stick around. Because if they're not a good "fit" for us, we're not wasting our time, and we won't be sticking around. But that's us. We understand that everyone's different, and that might not be the thing for you, and that's fine. We just thought sharing our point of view might help in some way.

Perhaps you could test the waters with your therapist? Maybe revisit and brush on the subject of her meeting the two alters in the past? See what her thoughts/feelings are/were regarding that, maybe?


-A mixture of us(?)

tazzy wrote:Thanks

I guess i meant like an imaginary friend because we play together and i feel comfortable buying her things and reading her stories. Sometimes we are friends and sometimes I or someone will be her mother.

That makes sense. We understand that.

tazzy wrote:I don't know how to connect to bethy or nikita and Bethany doesn't want to be connected to or doesnt seem to want it. She's so angry at me.

Well, they're parts of you, not strangers, so maybe that will kinda help how you view this whole situation. You're getting to know yourself. How would you like to be treated? Ask questions, ask them directly. Ask them about how they feel, what they think, what they like, goals in life, what they want, etc. All parts want connection on some level, because everyone wants to be understood, and understanding is a level of connection. Even hateful or antisocial or abusive alters want to be understood. And there's always reasons for why alters have hate, or are more antisocial that others, or are abusive. It's important to learn why, understand why, and understand where the alters are coming from. It's amazing how much more their actions make sense when you learn about why they behave the way they do, or do things they do.

Maybe ask Bethany why she's angry at you. Start with that. And then see where it goes from there. You'd be surprised what you can accomplish with communication and asking questions. A lot of times when alters are angry with the host, it's because they feel ignored, or hated, or as if the host isn't doing something "right", or something like that. Such issues can be resolved and worked on, but only if they're known about and understood.

tazzy wrote:Some people talk about using we to refer to themselves. I do that more now but prior to really even knowing about DID I would often catch myself saying things like I hate you and then have to correct it because I had meant me.....except maybe I had meant a part of me.

Prior to knowing about DID, we never said "we". We never referred to ourselves in the plural sense. The rare times Cassandra would talk about us, she would call us "sides" of her. "Uncontrollable sides" that "come out" sometimes. Kinda like an uncontrolled mood swing.

But we would experience the word-correction thing a lot. Talking to ourselves, saying things like "Why don't you listen to me?" when it would be "Why don't I listen to me" if we were a singleton (one without DID, that has no alters). So we definitely understand that.

We think it's normal that the more you learn, the more habits and such change, because you're acquiring new knowledge that applies to you and your life. It's bound to have some affect in some way. Just as time, experiences, lessons, etc., have the ability to change a person, new knowledge has the ability to change habits and how we think.


-A mixture of us(?)