Reason to live?

This is Desiree and I'm really wanting to write but I'm scared of saying the wrong thing and getting in trouble from the stepfather but Alysone and T assure me he's really gone for good and I'm having a hard time right now so hopefully I can be brave enough to try to write. I'm just recently coming out I've been buried a long time but Alysone is finally strong enough to deal with me. My whole reason for being is for sex and that's all I care about. And finally, T convinced Alysone to give me time out to have sex with myself and that was working fine until a couple of weeks ago when I got a memory that's really upsetting. It's making me have all kinds of feelings that I don't even have words for and I'm also new at having feelings cuz I was never allowed to have feelings growing up. And now because if the memory I dont even want sec anymore so now I don't even have any reason to live. I've promised T not to do anything to hurt myself until I see her again but feel stuck cuz I just really want to die but I have to live until I see T again. Does anyone else ever feel like your reason for being is gone and what FL you do about it? T keeps trying to get me to like other things besides sex but I really don't understand why that's important. Is there something wrong with only living so I can like sex? I hope what I wrote didn't bother anyone or the wrong words. This has been really bothering me so this seemed like the only place to talk about it that someone might understand. I hope so. Desiree

really wish I knew what to say to help you regarding this. If you dont mind me asking, because im very new here, how old is the host? Eventually Lilly will come on here and get and give advice. Ill tell her about your post. She can relate to your issues. Although might be a week or so before I see her again.

hi. i'm paul.
i just kinda went through the same thing. the therapist wants me to change 'jobs'. like, find a new purpose for being. i think i would like for my new job to be making friends cause i'm pretty good at figuring people out. there's not really anything i enjoy other than porn or sex so i'm trying hard to find a new hobby. but suzy from my system says if i give myself time and love i'll find something i enjoy doing. loving myself is pretty tough but i think that's probably what i have to do. i hope you can find ways to enjoy life. have you tried drawing? i might do that.
paul

Jennifer, or whoever wrote to me. The host, Alysone is 54, but me, Desiree, I'm 16. T doesn't seem to understand that my body is different than the host. My body is a 16 year olds and I need sex a lot even though the host body doesn't. I know I'm completely separate from her.

Paul, thanks for writing. It helps to know there ate others whose whole purpose is sex. It makes me feel not so bad. Thank you. Desiree

I don't have much to say, my job was mostly *trigger* rape *end* and I never enjoyed it. But I wanted to let you know that in time and with work you can find other things you like and get a new job. I went from having the previously mentioned job to now being a co-host, I have a wonderful girlfriend and I have a life I enjoy. It took a lot of time and pain to get here, but in the end it was very much worth it. I hope you find something you enjoy.

For one thing I am similar. I never have sex with th e husband someone else does, but i think it is an advantage to be beautiful and young and I can have any man I want basically I feel. I go for the older marired men. Anyways My T wont have sex with me. I am actually glad because he is cool, but I was pretty disturbed about that. I still offer it up. My Host has put a stop to my having sex.I dont quite get how she can decide that for me ..cause she can't. But she is making it impossible for me to seduce and get with a man. I dont know any other way to be..I am totally good for that and nothing else. I do try to boss the hall around and that is slipping away as I try to play nice adn go along with compromising . I really care about ht e littel kids and could care less about older ones in the hall.i hate my host to an extent. When I can be sexual i can give us life. Fear and pain and control....get to feel alive even if it actually hurts ...so what.I am a whore. people hate that word and I am absolutley not saying you are one. But, I am one and that is fact.Our T keeps saying I am worthwhile for so much more than being a whore. LIKE WHAT?? I dont get it why people live. I jsut dont get it. I basically dont exist anymore. And there are a few others in the hall that feel they are useless too. I also hate the scary world adn I told T last time that I want to ah ah ahTRIGGER
Kill all the peole in th e hall and then myself .
big trigger over
I am literally dying to behave like a whore a nd be dirty and seductive.

Diane

*Here are some "live quotes" that we've come up with to help ourselves. I hope they help you as well*

you don't fail if you fall down, you fail if you don't try to get back up. -cassie

Your ship might have sailed, but it wasn't the only ship docked. You just have to find a new ship to call yours and jump on. -Cassandra

Each new day holds new possibilities. Let your troubles set with the sun, for that day has passed, and let new hope rise with the sun, for that day is just beginning. ~Rain

Life is like a cigarette. Let the past fall away with the ashes, but don't smoke it so quickly that you can't enjoy it. -Kat

Life is like a painting canvas. Whether it's clean, stained, or already has something painted on it, there's nothing you can't paint over with your own choices. Nothing can stop you from turning the canvas given to you in to your own work of art. ~L.C. & ~Luna

The sun is always shining, even if you can't see it behind the clouds. -Ray

Thanks Diane for sharing who you are. It's helpful to know there are those similar to me. I was basically prostituted but I liked it so now that's all I'm good for except Alysone makes sure I'm sage and don't do anything dangerous so really right now its just masterbating which was gi.e untold the memory and now I don't even want to do that. That's why I'm struggling so much cuz my whole reason for being is ruined cuz of the memory. T says we can work thru it. I sure hope so.

Thanks Ray for the good quotes. They helped me think things can get better than they are right now.

I'm feeling really ok about sharing what I did. No one has got mad and if seems you understand. I've never had that happen to me before except with T so this males me feel braver to share other times. I don't usually like Alysone, but I'm glad she joined this site. Desiree

I'm glad you feel you can talk here. This is a great place to get support You are brave

I am glad tath you feel better about sharing and being understood and totally accepted