What to do: A witness described traumatic events to me

**This is probably all triggering**

Long story short, My sister told me that my father used to yell and swear at me all the time at home. My father can be a very scary person. I only remember a few times he yelled and swore at me, but they are times when I was alone with him. I always thought it was odd that he only yelled and swore at me when the rest of my family was around. I guess that I "disconnected" during times that it happened when my family was present? I have no recollection of the events she described. She has always said that I definitely bared the brunt of the abuse. So what do I do with events witnessed by her? I have no recollection of them...

Recently, I remembered being punished by being forced to "go stand in the closet"..I remember a couple instances of walking out of the dining room closet and feeling shame to see my whole family looking at me. It's hard to say, but these periods probably lasted about an hour or more. My sister remembers these events as well. It never happened to her, only me.

humptydumpty wrote:**This is probably all triggering**

Long story short, My sister told me that my father used to yell and swear at me all the time at home. My father can be a very scary person. I only remember a few times he yelled and swore at me, but they are times when I was alone with him. I always thought it was odd that he only yelled and swore at me when the rest of my family was around. I guess that I "disconnected" during times that it happened when my family was present? I have no recollection of the events she described. She has always said that I definitely bared the brunt of the abuse. So what do I do with events witnessed by her? I have no recollection of them...

Recently, I remembered being punished by being forced to "go stand in the closet"..I remember a couple instances of walking out of the dining room closet and feeling shame to see my whole family looking at me. It's hard to say, but these periods probably lasted about an hour or more. My sister remembers these events as well. It never happened to her, only me.

You will probably begin getting the memories back soon; this is a first step to your healing. Believe what she said and ask inside what happened.
-Clarke

This is all probably triggering...**TW**

sacred_unspoken wrote:You will probably begin getting the memories back soon; this is a first step to your healing. Believe what she said and ask inside what happened.
-Clarke

There are so many incomplete memories. I have an idea of what happened during the periods that were blocked out, but i have yet to "remember" them. All I know is that certain parts want to slice my arms to pieces... every time I look at something sharp, self-injurious thoughts begin.

I only remember the swearing and screaming that happened when I was alone with him. My sister says it happened constantly to me, but I only remember a few incidents. Feeling super hazy, man. He was my dad. What he says is law.

*trigger warning*

I understand where you're coming from. Awhile ago my grandma described what I looked like when she rescued me from my adoptive family. I was practically skin and bone because according to her they tried to starve me to make me "perfect" looking. I have no memory of this at all, the only thing I know is it explains why my little one Jessica will not eat unless my husband coaches her to.

It's really tough to process something you don't remember, especially when it's bring out self harming ideas. Really, it'll probably take time before you start to remember, but in the meantime you need to really work on keeping yourself safe, even if it's from yourself.

When I used to cut (now only my alter Theresa cuts), I had to start learning distraction techniques. Blaring loud music, smoking a cigarette, writing out everything I was feeling without stopping until I felt drained. If it was simply looking at something and craving it, I'd think of someone in my life who would be hurt by me doing it or I'd look at something else in the room and focus so hard on it that I'd probably be able to describe it perfectly if suddenly blindfolded.

You have to keep yourself safe while you process this new information, and any memories that might start to pop up now that you know this stuff happened.

*safe hugs if wanted*

humptydumpty wrote:He was my dad. What he says is law.

Just wanted to say I can relate. There is no way I can disagree with him - except when there is actual proof he is not right. And when he says I should do something I have a hard time not complying and feel (very) bad about it - whether I comply or refuse.