Really Confused ***Trigger Warning***

It was a really rough confusing night last night, and I'm not sure what to think about it. My husband made a rude comment about something last night...he ment it to be funny I'm sure...but it reminded me of his girlfriends, so I immediately went from being in a decent mood to being highly p*ssed off. I rolled over to go to bed and I could hear screaming and crying in my head, and could for a few seconds here and there feel what the other was feeling. I think it was who ever originally found out about girlfriend # 1. It sounded the same, and emotionally felt the same.

So of course gf #1 was in my dream, I was supposed to be out of the house, but came back and she showed up right after thinking I had already left so they could meet up. In my dream I was so upset about this I started getting a bunch of flashbacks. One was when I found out about gf#1, one when I found out about gf#2, one when I found out an ex had cheated on me the entire 9 months we were together, one had something to do with my mom but I don't remember, and another had something to do with early childhood, but I don't remember that one either. They were all so quick, and it was one after the other.

Right after the flashbacks, I turned into about 9 or 10 and was in a car with my aunt and cousin. I'm not sure if this was a flashback too, but I'm really not even sure what the point of that even was. That's when I woke up, and I've been in a terrible mood since.

The screaming and crying didn't stop through the dream though. It was like my dream was in a bubble, and someone was right outside that bubble screaming and crying and I could hear it over top of my dream. I heard this screaming and crying when I went to bed, during my dream, on and off all night, and when I woke up this morning. I hear it during the day sometimes too and sometimes at night.

This whole thing really has me confused, the dream, the person screaming, the flashbacks...all of it. I felt like the person screaming and crying was who ever found out about gf 1. But I thought I found out about that? I mean, I have memory of it, but at the same time I don't feel like I experienced it....and actually anything before that doesn't feel like it was my life at all. I have memories, but I don't feel like it was my life, I don't feel like I experienced anything I remember. This is actually something that's been bothering me for a few weeks now.

I just don't know what to think about any of this, or if I should even bother thinking about it at all? Maybe it was just a simple dream and I shouldn't even think anything of any of it. I've been having dreams like this for a few weeks, but I can never remember them in the morning. This is the first time I've been able to remember.

It sounds like something is trying to bubble up from your subconscious. This happens to me from time to time. But then again it could just be a crazy dream, like you said. Sometimes dreams don't mean anything at all. If it is something your brain needs you to know about, you wont have to try to access it, it will come. The best thing to do in my opinion is try not to think about it, and relax as much as possible. I know that probably is easier said than done. I hope things get easier for you soon.
Geoff

I agree with James, this is probably a new memory resurfacing. I am so sorry you are struggling. Are you any better now? Safe hugs, if wanted

Well, I'm not sure if maybe they're influencing the dream somehow with the flashbacks, or if the flashbacks themselves are just a dream.

And, I'm not sure what to think about this screaming person. It feels like everything before gf#1 was discovered wasn't my life. Its like life was cut off at that point, and the next 3-4 weeks are a complete blur, it's like it was a transition into this 'new' life. I'm not sure if I've replaced someone, or if someone just came out to take all the trauma those 3-4 weeks.

I hope this makes some sense...I'm feeling really fuzzy right now, it's hard to think.

In our system and others we know, flashbacks usually started in dreams, especially the most painful ones.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Well, I'm not sure if maybe they're influencing the dream somehow with the flashbacks, or if the flashbacks themselves are just a dream.

And, I'm not sure what to think about this screaming person. It feels like everything before gf#1 was discovered wasn't my life. Its like life was cut off at that point, and the next 3-4 weeks are a complete blur, it's like it was a transition into this 'new' life. I'm not sure if I've replaced someone, or if someone just came out to take all the trauma those 3-4 weeks.

I hope this makes some sense...I'm feeling really fuzzy right now, it's hard to think.

This actually makes perfect sense, and I hope I can help shed light on what's going on! (Please bear with me, I'm super fuzzy, so if I don't make sense, that's why).

Ok, so let's get started!

Often times with systems that are co-conscious or that can co-host with each other (even if they aren't exactly aware of it), more than one alter can have a memory of something and have it be "their's" as well as "someone else's". DID is sometimes no different than your body being a car and your alters being the passengers- more than one can know what's going on and thus more than one can have the same/similar memories. So it's perfectly possible for you to have been "the one" to discover gf#1 along with another alter that shared your discovery.
(What seems to have happened to me is that the gf discoveries were hard for you to cope with, and so in order to help you cope, your mind dissociated and different alters helped to take the brunt of these memories/emotions so that they wouldn't overwhelm you).

With seemingly "true new" alters, aka alters that seem to have no memory of anything before they "came to be"/you became aware of them, there's different possibilities for that explanation. One is that they were a part of you that's been "asleep", either for a long time OR they were never truly needed/didn't develop further into an actual alter until now, when they were needed, like a fragment being further developed into an alter (I'll have to do some reading to make sure, but I believe that is possible/correct). Another possibility is that this alter themselves might have experienced time loss when they were out or something similar to that effect which would leave them with little to no memory. Another possibility is that you've given an alter a "new job", in a sense. An alter that was developed for a specific situation or something like that which doesn't happen anymore (or at least, hasn't happened in a long time), might now have the "job" of holding these memories and emotions, and the "job replacement" may have affected their memory or it could be that the memories/emotions these parts/alters are holding are so much to cope with that they need to forget everything else (at least for now, while they're coping with these memories/feelings).
Either way, it really doesn't matter for now (it might matter later in therapy, but that's later and that's therapy). What matters is that you're learning about their existence and that they're helped, loved, accepted, understood, and listened to just as everyone else in your system.

Oh, wait, I just re-read your post. " It feels like everything before gf#1 was discovered wasn't my life. Its like life was cut off at that point, and the next 3-4 weeks are a complete blur, it's like it was a transition into this 'new' life." Hehe, guess my above answer might not really help in this context.
Hmm.... well it's possible that the screaming part is the one who was the host before they discovered gf#1 and then you took over, or something like that. The big clues to me are the fact that discovering the gf's were obviously traumatizing to you; you don't feel as if anything before gf#1 was discovered was exactly "your" life; and that the screaming/crying didn't stop with the dream. It seems like what might have happened is that this screaming part/alter might have been the host or a co-host until gf#1 was discovered, and then they went "inside" in order to cope with those memories/feelings, and then sometime after that is when you began fronting/being the host.


I hope that I was at least able to give you ideas to think about. Everything you've posted sounds very real, and sounds important to remember, so don't dismiss it as "just a dream".


~The Hawk

Everything you've posted sounds very real, and sounds important to remember, so don't dismiss it as "just a dream".

I definitely agree. I hope you are able to find some peace and that you understand more of yourself. It's hard when there's so many questions and confusion. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves and our subconscious time. Best of luck going forward.

Sorry I didn't respond back to this sooner. It's been a really long, sh*tty 3 days, and my negativity would've shown through way too much if I responded earlier. Still not in the best mood, but better than what I have been, so I apologize in advance if I sound cranky! lol

So it's perfectly possible for you to have been "the one" to discover gf#1 along with another alter that shared your discovery.

This is kind of how it feels, so that makes sense. Like, I remember it...but like most memories it's fuzzy, I only remember bits and pieces (although when I'm triggered and p*ssed off I somehow remember every tiny detail ), but it doesn't completely feel like I experienced it even though at the same time it does. The screaming and crying I've been hearing sounded just like what it was like the first few days after I found out...and I'd get little waves of the emotions that I recognized as the same emotions from that time too. Even when it was happening though (when I found out), I didn't quite feel like I was 'there' either (I just didn't know about the DID at the time, so I was confused but brushed it off as usual). The screaming and crying was just coming out unwillingly. Ugh, I hate explaining this crap...it's almost near impossible to get my point across half the time when explaining this stuff. I guess the point is, that makes sense that it was probably a shared experience between me and another.

(What seems to have happened to me is that the gf discoveries were hard for you to cope with, and so in order to help you cope, your mind dissociated and different alters helped to take the brunt of these memories/emotions so that they wouldn't overwhelm you).

Right on. Yeah, I mean, it shouldn't have been a shock to me at all considering a lot of things...but at the same time it was so unexpected. Just the night before he looked me in the eye and promised he'd never done that to me bc he knew how bad it would hurt me and he could never do something like that, it would kill him. Blah blah blah wtf ever then I found that f*cking email from his wh*re. so yeah, shocking, unexpected....couldnt deal, couldn't handle it...didn't want to. i just wanted it to go away, i wanted everything to go away i felt that feeling so many times since i was little i didnt wanna a do it again it s just too much

With seemingly "true new" alters, aka alters that seem to have no memory of anything before they "came to be"/you became aware of them, there's different possibilities for that explanation.

I think this is what happened 2 weeks later after I found out about gf#2. I'd been trying for 6 years to get him to end their "friendship"...there was supposed to be no contact 3 years ago but he was still talking to her and f*cking her too. When he told me about her there was definitely someone new out. I had feelings of pure anger, hatred, and just emptiness, nothingness. I've never for any reason felt like that. I would cuss him out, saying horrible terrible things, words I don't believe I've ever said before, and I wouldn't remember any of it...except that initial emotional emptiness. I've had that happen a few times since I found out about that one, but not a lot. I do think that one is newly formed or developed or what ever. I'm almost sure of it.

Hehe, guess my above answer might not really help in this context.

Obviously it still helped, I still had a lot to say...and I believe another had some things they tossed in there too, I'm just not too sure who. I turned the text to red bc it sounds like Nikki. I just re-read what I wrote and noticed some other things that, well, Idk, I marked it in blue...I have no idea who basically...I think the one after Nikki is a child, I don't know that child though...not that I know of. I keep thinking of coloring again, so I think it's them...I don't who that is yet though. Now, "color" is repeating in my head over and over ugh...at least I don't feel the urge yet lol.

well it's possible that the screaming part is the one who was the host before they discovered gf#1 and then you took over, or something like that.

That's what it feels like for some reason, but at the same time I do remember it, I just don't feel like I experienced it, I only remember bits and fuzzy pieces...like I said, unless I'm triggered, then I remember everything and sometimes even start to emotionally feel it again too in a way. Seems like only when I'm triggered do I have any real connection with that experience. I think that's the best way to put it.

[quoteThe big clues to me are the fact that discovering the gf's were obviously traumatizing to you; you don't feel as if anything before gf#1 was discovered was exactly "your" life; and that the screaming/crying didn't stop with the dream. It seems like what might have happened is that this screaming part/alter might have been the host or a co-host until gf#1 was discovered, and then they went "inside" in order to cope with those memories/feelings, and then sometime after that is when you began fronting/being the host. [/quote]

Traumatizing...yes, but don't have the slightest freaking idea why. it's not like we didn't see it coming. it's not like we didnt know. we just didnt have proof so there wasnt anything we could do.

The screaming and crying I've heard during the day, at night....this is the first time I've heard it on and off all night, and over top of a dream. My T mentioned integrating last week and that's when it started, now that I think about it. I've heard it a few times before that, but it's been pretty frequent since then. That was a whole other experience though....I'll just say, I don't believe anyone inside liked that idea at all.

Thanks for your help on this. That all does make more sense. Sorry I wrote so much, I always do. I think it's bc I'm always so invisible I tend to over do it when someone starts to listen

-- Wed Dec 26, 2012 9:17 pm --

sacred_unspoken wrote:In our system and others we know, flashbacks usually started in dreams, especially the most painful ones.

Thanks sacred! Last week, I actually had a night where they kept me up with all kinds of terrible horrible flashbacks. I was sort of in a half in, half out of sleep...I was too tired to be awake, but they wouldn't let me sleep either...and it seemed like someone wanted to show me flashbacks (and they were), but there were a lot of others fighting the one showing them to me bc they didn't want me to know about them, I guess. Terrible stuff, my whole body was flopping all over the bed, jerking like crazy. I yelled at them to stop bc I had to sleep bc I had to get the kids up in the morning for school and they finally stopped. Woke up the next morning with absolutely no memory of what these flashbacks were even about. I just know it felt like a civil war going on inside my head, and I was right in the cross fire of both sides lol.

I'm super fuzzy, so I'm sorry but this'll be a short note. I just wanted to say that people can know or suspect all they want, but that doesn't make seeing the proof or having the undeniable truth shoved in your face any less painful or traumatizing. You can know something and still deny it on a subconscious level until you see the proof, and that sort of emotional blow, especially to an emotion such as hope, is never easy to take.


~The Hawk