suspecting a father introject

Potential triggers: defined roles, talk about emotional 'abuse', sometimes strong language

I have always had these (as far as I always thought) imaginary conversations inside whenever my father was near or when he didn't feel well (meaning he would make a problem out of every little thing which would really hurt emotionally). He was/is definitely a trigger! The conversations were always (and still are at times) in the form of him saying what I did wrong and I thinking why it wouldn't be wrong. I thought this was to be prepared in case he would actually start saying that, but it has never been useful that I know of. But, I didn't know anything of DID or dissociation at the time and thought it was just me. But I never liked it.

It still happens. But the current way of coping is saying 'f!#c you' to wherever the words come from. That really helps to not feel bad but I don't think it is a good way of coping. The 'f!#c you' sometimes comes automatically, without really thinking about it.

And there's another thing: when I separated me from my parents emotionally I saw how dysfunctional their relationship is. I started to criticize everything about them that seemed wrong. I almost felt like I was criticizing like my father! I think this may be due to this same part (if it's indeed an introject). But - then the introject is criticizing the person where he is introjected from! Is that possible?

I suspect this might be the same as the protector/guardian inside. Could an introject at the same time guard any more memories/inner world/alters/communication? I mean, I *want* to know more, but I'm being locked out it seems. Maybe I/they/the environment is not ready/safe yet.

*Possible Trigger Warning, defined alter roles*

Kat is a lot like our father (especially with the way she can criticize us), though she absolutely hates him and will deny that she is anything like him. Yet she is not an introject. She is a protector and an ex-abuser alter, but not an introject. (At least, in my understanding of introjects, she is not one).


True introjects are those that fully embody an abuser. They may look like them, they may talk like them, they may act like them, heck, they might even "be" them! They do not argue with anything the abuser says/does, and they support/carry on the abuser's rules and behaviours. They agree with the abuser, they support the abuser, and they continue the abuser's abuse.
Introjects develop, if I remember correctly, as a way to help the system attempt to adapt and stay safe in an unsafe environment. The introjects continue the abuser's behaviour inside and keep everyone "on their toes" so that the system isn't as traumatized as it would be if they were caught off guard or allowed to relax or something like that. Introjects are attempting to help the system keep/stay to abuser's rules and such because they're trying to help the system stay safe by "giving in" to the abuse. It's a type of mindset of "Just do this and you won't get hurt", or "Just follow these rules and you'll be fine", if that makes sense.


The "F*#k you" response could now be a reflexive response that you've learned to do in order to cope, or it could be a protector showing themselves and standing up to the introject or something like that (an idea to think about since you said it tends to "come automatically").


To me, it seems, you're ready to learn more, but something/someone else isn't ready. Perhaps some insiders aren't ready to come forward, perhaps a protector thinks the time isn't right yet, perhaps the environment isn't ready/safe enough yet, etc. I'd bank on environment if I were you, depending on your situation. Environment is a huge factor in alters feeling safe enough to come forward and to allow the host to learn more.


I'd say that this part could be a possible introject, but they sound more like a protector/abuser like Kat was or something (at least, from what you've shared here).


~The Hawk

Yes, that all makes much sense. Then it's probably not an introject, but more like a protector. That also makes more sense because I suspect it is the same who guards the mental wall/door. And why would an introject guard memories/alters? Why would they pull them away any time they come near? A protector makes much more sense in such a situation.

The automatic response - I was suspecting I was helped before, because it often comes before or at the same time I recognize the thought/sound comes from that protector. I'm curious who does it. (I'll know some day, I'm sure about that.)

It is most likely the environment that isn't ready. I was afraid of it before, but now I feel ready to learn more - even if it involves flashbacks. I want to know! But it won't happen until the one that guards the wall/door drops his guards. Maybe it would help somehow talking to my father to not come into my room unless I ask him - like I would expect from anyone and my mother and sister do. That would make it feel more safe. That makes me think - the times contact is the easiest is at night, the time it is least likely he comes unexpected. I'll think about it.

Oh and I don't consider my father an abuser. He has done many things, he most likely has caused the dissociation, but not intentionally. He always wanted to help, but didn't know his way of 'help' only caused stress.

*update*

It's consistently a 'f*#c you'. Sometimes with variations (for example, 'f*#c you both'). And it's consistently against any sign of weakness or anything that reminds me of what I don't like about my parents. Sometimes, it's there, sometimes not. So, yes, a protector makes much more sense (especially because it's with signs of weakness).

And sometimes I get lyrics of Disturbed - The Sickness.

**Trigger**
###$ YOU
I don't need this $#%^
You stupid sadistic abusive ######6 whore [etc...]

Btw, this is a song that can (I think?) trigger a (positive) switch (well, I wasn't really aware it was switching at the time I found out, but anyway). (I'm not negatively triggered by that song.)

What is actually new, is that I talked about it with my T. Or, rather, tried to. I tried to say the automatic response. No luck, but no surprise. Then I tried writing it down. No luck. I've never had it so strong. I just couldn't write it down (I managed, with a lot effort, to write down the first 'f', that way, I managed to explain what it was).

What was surprising was that when I talked about it, I felt a LOT anger and sadness. No surprise, looking back, but it was quite a surprise at that moment.

My next T appointment will be starting with this subject. I'll post what that will bring.

I've told my mother about this - that there was something. I didn't tell what it was and that it was against them.

Lately, I've had one time where I almost spoke it out loud. Around the same time, the response seems to have become not really those words but rather the intention, the feeling (which may be not that likely to be accidentally spoken out loud). So, I think those are related - that it somehow wasn't safe to express.

Btw, off-topic, but moving away from my parents is in the works (I mention this because I can't express myself well because it doesn't feel really safe there). It will still probably take at least a few months.