So much for control

So last night for the first time in about 9 months I stepped out of my routine and did something with people. Normally It's been home, school, community service, home everyday, with an effort to reduce triggers and to try and remain in control. People come out in a shared situations at home and at school, and full switches have been kept to a minimum. I thought I was keeping everything under control.

So earlier this week I was invited to a Christmas party with a bunch of friends from my previous college. I hadn't seen much of them in about 2-3 years, and much of when I did see them in the past it was during the period alter's were starting to become more pronounced and emerge, though full contact hadn't been established. But the girl that was inviting me was an old friend whom I used to be close with. Lots of physical touching and rough housing, sex jokes, etc. Pretty much a platonic relationship but the line was blurred. Her boyfriend, whom she lives with, hates me for such reasons.

So I go, there ends up being about 10 of us hanging out. Old video games played, Apples to Apples, etc. Generally just a relaxing time for everyone except me. Scion and Voss took the opportunity to really bother me. Voss pretty much terrorized my friend cats the entire time. They could tell when he was out, were hissing and clawing at him, and he stalked them whenever her could. When ever it was me out, the cats were fine. He even used the term "we" instead of "I" in front of a few people

Now my friend and I have always been physical with each other, and tend to operate on the same wavelength. as such, we repeatedly ended up rough housing (poking, pushing, kicking, etc.) in other rooms from the main block of guests. Scion took this as a way to have fun. Scion: the hyper dominant sadist sexual pain in the ass. Knowing that my friend is a bit of a masochist, Scion pushed himself out and stepped up physical play into S/M holds. Things went from playful ow's to a few moans and gasps. After a few minutes Kelrick took over and the rest of the night it was me out constantly stabbing myself with a fork to trigger Rath. He's not the best choice because while he can play me decently, people who know me well see the difference often. But he's the easiest to force trigger and can be helpful containing triggering people. My friend could tell the difference though and kept pointing out that I was acting a bit strange.

The night ended up squeaking by, though the whole things gotten to me because I felt I was doing well keeping things in line and minimizing switches.

I wouldn't beat myself up to bad. they were people from the past very very triggering! you didn't completely blank out when they were out. but I hope you feel better about it.

spanky_spee wrote:I wouldn't beat myself up to bad. they were people from the past very very triggering! you didn't completely blank out when they were out. but I hope you feel better about it.

Well I don't really get time loss when people come out except for a few. I more go into a dream state, and after a few days forget what happened unless I really try to focus on what happened. It's a delayed time loss.