Digging is hard TRIGGER WARNING

VERY TRIGGERING MASSIVE WARNING

within the past few months I've been digging through my past and we haven't found much but we've gotten somewhere.
I think my DID developed as a baby as someone one wrote that it can start from there.
I found out I was baby sat by a well known child molester in the family my family is very large so there is quite a few that are known. And someone when I was a little bit was very sick from sexual abuse from his childhood in turn I'm suspecting what if he repeated the behavior since he was very unstable.
as well as growing up in world war 3 with my dad and his ex wife. I can't process the idea of this I just don't know it's all kind of a hunch that sick kind of feeling. I kind of just wanted to write just to see try to process this. what if i was to young to even comprehend the memories what if i will never be able to heal.

-??

*Possible trigger, talk of DID development*

DID develops anywhere from baby-childhood. It is caused by trauma and by the interruption/disruption of the personality developmental processes, and those processes occur in early childhood/childhood. So yes, it is possible that your DID development started as a baby.

The thing about DID is that often part of what makes something traumatizing is not being able to comprehend or understand something. But as you get older, you're better able to comprehend and understand things you experienced. Because of this, you will be able to process what happened to you and that will allow you to heal from it. Now that you are at a place where you're able to begin processing these things, processing not necessarily accepting yet, then you will be able to begin healing from these things. Processing comes first, then accepting. It's hard to accept something you haven't really processed yet.

Even those that have experienced abuse from when they were a newborn are able to heal. With DID, how I think of it, is it's like the brain kinda puts processing/healing on "hold". It develops ways to help you cope with things and survive and function, and then when you are able to, you can start processing what the DID helped you to cope with and then you can begin healing.

~The Hawk

I agree with Hawk. My T said essentially the same thing to me when I was struggling confusion over abuse I experienced as a toddler. He said it is impossible to process it on your own, because you're trying to comprehend it with your 'child brain', and it's impossible for a child to process it. But with help in therapy, you can learn to process it with your 'adult brain' (I'm not explaining it as well as he did ) I'm sorry you're dealing with this at the moment, I hope things get easier.

I also agree with the others. It's also important to realize that memories from early childhood may or may not be accurate, and you may never truly know what did or did not happen. Accepting this can be one of the hardest parts. It's also important that you don't process things alone. It's just too overwhelming, and you can get so caught up in all the "what ifs" that you may end up in a far worse place then necessary. You don't have to 'remember' in order to heal. Healing takes time, and processing the things that you do 'remember' and that do come up for you is often enough.

I'm sorry you've been through so much and that you're hurting. Healing doesn't come from what age you were at the time, it comes from processing at the age you are now. I hope you find peace and healing.