what am i, and why *trigger warning*

*TRIGGER WARNING*
i'm not sure what i am. i know i'm bad. but i mean what am i really?

i used to think i was a person like everybody else. but i noticed when i was a kid that i wasn't like the other kids. i wasn't like the adults either. i was different.

then when i was older i found out there's more people in my head than just me. that kind of made sense because i never really felt like a person before. the people in my head say i'm an alter like they are. but i don't feel like a person.

what ever it is that makes a person decent and clean is missing in me. i've done lots of bad things. for years i couldn't stop doing bad things. it started when i was little. my older cousins would touch me. soon i learned to like it and i started touching back. when i was 9 a neighbour boy and i broke into a guys house and stole some of his porn collection. i needed the porn. i'm bad.

when it comes to things like understanding other people, or feeling normal feelings, i dont have that. i have shame and guilt, fear and pain. but i dont have happy or joy or anger or any of the normal stuff.

i don't think im a person at all or even part of a person. i think i must be a demon or an echo of a bad dream. i think i must be a ghost that is here to haunt the other people in my head, to bring shame and guilt on them. to make them guilty like i am guilty so they too can never truly be free.

do you think i can be erased or fixed somehow so i can quit bothering the others?
Paul - 13

Hi Paul I'm Clarke, I know how you feel, a lot of our littles feel that way but you are NOT to be blamed for your cousin's actions against you. You are a good boy I'd like to be your friend.

Hi Paul. First of all, you're most certainly NOT bad. You may have some done some bad things, you may have been around while bad things were done, you may have had bad things done to you, but that does NOT make you bad. Decisions can be bad, actions can be bad, but just because you make bad decisions or something doesn't mean you specifically are bad. Especially with DID. Just like any person, if all a part/alter knows is "bad things", then that's all they'll do. And that's not their fault. It's just what they know. All parts/alters do their best to survive the best they know how. That's ok, that's "normal", and that's not their fault at all. It's not like you chose to have the experiences you've had. You took a bad situation and you coped with it to survive. That does NOT make you bad. What you experienced was bad, you however are not.

You're not a demon or a bad dream either. You're a part just like the others. You have a purpose/role just like the others. And you're important just like the others. All parts are important in a system, even if they don't feel like it, and all parts have roles/purposes in the system. Your's seems to have been dealing with bad experiences and keeping them from others. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, but I'm glad to see that you were strong enough to survive it and be here today.

Some systems are set up to where some parts "hold" certain emotions so that they're not overwhelming to everyone all at once. Some parts hold sadness, others can hold fear, others can hold anger, etc. You may not have a easy time feeling happiness or similar feelings because you're holding on to all those negative feelings connected with the bad experiences you've had. Now that you're (hopefully) in a better place though, you can begin to learn how to experience those feelings. You can begin to heal and feel more than just guilt or shame. You can start exploring and finding out things like you like or enjoy. Perhaps others can help you in some way if you'd like/want? Like, perhaps someone can show you some fun things to do or something?

You're not to blame for how you coped with the bad things you experienced, and your ways of coping do NOT make you bad or anything like that. You had bad experiences and you found ways to cope with them. That does not make you bad- it makes you a strong survivor. And now that you've survived, you can start learning how to live. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can start living and exploring yourself past what you know from your experiences.


~The Hawk

HI Paul.
Everything you wrote is "normal" for people that were abused. These real feelings you have are a product of maltreatment/trauma. You deserve to realize you are not bad adn are an important part in life. to be the whole person you make up, you m ust learn to accept and care for all aspects of your alters. All of you is deserving of love..self love. Bad things were done TO you and you are NOT bad.

i think i left some stuff out.

Hi Clarke. You seem cool but I dont know how to be friends.
And hi to everyone else. your replies were nice. thank you. I feel a little less weird now.

the thing i left out is this. theres this guy in my head named geoff who for a long time has been asking me to share something about myself with him. and i got tired of keeping my secrets about all the bad things ive done to myself so recently i opened up and i shared some of my memories with him.

he got mad. he hates me now. somehow some of the others found out and they are upset too. all of them are angry at me or sad now. i guess thats why i feel like im poisonous, like im not good and im just here to hurt them.

ive always tried to be good and not do bad things. i just didnt know how to stop till a few years ago. i had a vision, and it kind of short circuited the bad part of my brain. i finally felt good about myself. but i guess some of the things i did are beyond forgiveness and now all the rest of us hate ourselves. they hate me. all of them except jason and suzy.

i dont know if i can heal. i dont know that i deserve it, and im sure geoff doesnt want me to feel good. i just wanna know if theres a way i can be erased or disappeared or something so i wont bother them anymore. if i could think of a way to pay for what ive done without hurting them id do it. does anyone have any ideas?

Paul

you don't deserve to be erased or to go away! you deserve to heal!! and you can heal!! and i'm sure geoff wants you to heal even if he dusn't show it.

you shouldn't be hated either!! you're not bad!! you've had bad things happen to you and you've made some bad choices but that dusn't make you bad!! geoff and the others might not like what you did and they might not like what happened to you, but they shouldn't hate YOU because you are NOT bad! i don't think geoff really hates you thou. i think he dusn't like things that you did or that happened to you, but i don't think he hates you.

the guy/voice in your head named geoff is a part of you and you're a part of him. you're all parts of the same person. and parts can't really be erased or anything. and you shouldn't be!! you deserve to live and you deserve to heal and you can heal!! healing isn't impossible! it might be really hard sumtimes but it's not impossible.

the others shouldn't hate you and you shouldn't try to go away and you deserve to stay and live and heal!!!!!!!! i know i don't want you to go away and i want you to heal!

*hugs if wanted!*

-cassie

thank you Cassie for what you said. you seem like a very nice person. Suzy says that geoff doesnt hate me anymore but i think he still doesnt like me. and the rest of them are still kinda upset. i can understand why.

i guess all i can do now is give them time to deal with what i did. i forget that ive had years to get over it but they just learned about it.

*trigger warning*
i still do some bad things though like look at porn i dont know how to stop. i know my body is legally able to look at it but im still only 13. and i know i shouldnt. i dont really want to look. i just do it. theres something in me thats broken that drives me to.
*trigger end*

i guess if i get to talk to our therapist maybe she can help if she doesnt hate me too. but theres so many others in me that need help i would feel bad for taking up their time.

new to them or not they should dislike what you did and what was done to you, NOT you yourself!! becuse YOU are NOT BAD and you were only doing the same thing everyone else in there did- you survived and coped as best you could! so it's not like your somehow different from the others and it's not like they're better than you or anything becuse they're NOT!! you're the same as the others and you're all equal!! you deserve to be loved and acepted and understood just like everyone else in there!!!!

i know i acept you just the way you are! and i like you! you're strong to come here and you're strong to admit that you made bad choices and i know you're not bad becuse you feel bad about things and how it's affecting the others! you seem to be a really nice person who had bad things done to them and becuse of those bad things you've made some bad choices but you're still a good person. you're just really hurt and still affected by the bad things that was done to you and you need love and healing and help and guidence! and you deserve it all too!

sumtime we get bad habits becuse of the bad things we go threw and that's not our fault. those habits start becuse we're trying to cope with the bad things we go threw and sumtimes it's easier to cope with things if we make it more "ok" for ourselves by making ourselves like it or get used to it or sumthing like that. nothing about you is broken!! you've been hurt and your wounds haven't been alloud to heal so you're still trying to cope with them. that's ok! but now you can start to learn and try new coping methods that can still help you until you're healed. maybe instead of looking at stuff like that you can try sumthing else. like maybe making a list of things you actually wanna do or that you actually like or sumthing. or maybe when you feel like you need to look at stuff like that you can try to think about why. or maybe you can try writing down how you feel and what you want to look at and use writing or even drawing to help replace looking at stuff. that way you can get stuff out of your system but you also aren't letting the bad habit stay. maybe you can ask someone else for help? like maybe suzy? you deserve to be helped with this stuff. (if the others don't help you, they're only hurting themselves and that's not very fair or nice to you either).

another thing you should think about doing is communicating with the others about how you feel and stuff. i'm sure that the more they understand about how you feel and why some bad choices were made, the less upset they might be/feel. it's easy to feel upset about stuff if you don't understand where the other person is coming from or why the stuff happened. i'm sure that if you told them about how you feel bad for upsetting them and stuff and that you want help and stuff the less upset they might feel about everything. cuz like i said they should be upset at the things that happened to you and the things you did, but NOT at you yourself. all you were doing is trying to cope and survive and it's not your fault that bad things happened to you and inflewenced you and stuff.

the therapist shouldn't hate you!! if she does then she's not a good therapist!! therapists should never judge anyone or hate anyone for things they did or anything like that! they're there to be understanding and acepting and to help you heal! they're not going to judge you or anything like that and like i said if they do then they're not a good therapist! and you deserve to get help from her!!! you are all equal, you and the others!! you all deserve to heal just as much as everyone else!! you're all equal and you all deserve to heal equally and you all deserve time with the therapist so you shouldn't feel bad about "taking up time" becuse you're not and you deserve time with the therapist anyway!! therapy time is YOUR time JUST AS MUCH as it is THEIR time!!!

*more hugs if wanted!*

-cassie

thank you for talking to me about this stuff Cassie. you are really nice, and your very smart. im gonna try some of your suggestions and i think i will ask to talk to the therapist too. thank you all for taking the time to write me. i feel a little better now
Paul