When your/ our sytem has conversations.

I am very curious. I read here about converstions going on within your sytems. Usually the host is sometimes involved.

I find this hard to describe, but i do have a rambeled question.........

My T has been in the process since we started with him to get some, if not all ,gathered at a table to talk and compromise and make rules. Some of us have been together and working as a team at times during sessoins with our T, and outside of therapy. We are together. We have exchanges,can compromise,but very little clear voice-like conversation from my viewpoint

To ME,the majority of the time, those in my sytem do not converse. Rather, as the barriers decrease ( and can reappear), parts share awareness of information, messages, traits, memories,characteristics, comments , attitudes, thoughts, and so on with me and others. But, really almost the same as voicing themselves to whom they want with out distinct voices.As this occurs 24/7, i usually hear it as background noise/discussion, . It can get really loud as they connect with others. Oh, I also hear music playing at the same time 24-7.

The ones I have" taked" to about this ,say they have it both ways, awarenes of quiet exchanges, face to face discussions or fights..., notice others activity in the system called the Hall .They also hear teh music. Some are able to move around to different rooms. Some not, they are told they must stay where they are or choose to stay there, but they still have decreases/ increases in barriers.

they each have unique and distinct language styles, and visual,& personality characteristics. Most all will answer to my (hosts) name(my name is not diane or dianezz), and will pretend to be me for whatever their reason..to get out, to protect, to give breaks,to be sneaky... IF they feel quite safe, they are jsut themsleves.

there can be a tremendous amount of pressure & commotion, milder times and quiet time. OFten the quiet times bring an empty shell numb yet painful feeling.

There are usally fearful and negative ongoing comments that ARE being spoken quietly by alters,yet distrubing usually. Mocking or minimizing, or jsut plain reminders that we are frauds, liars and criminals. actually this is not to be mean, but to be upfront that we feel we don't exist and everything we know or have experienced is a made up life. Therefor, nothing bad has ever happened. This is an ongoing protective mode. So that is obvioiusly a threrapy issues to get rid of the denial.

Most are able to use the body's voice adn talk aloud to outsiders or to the system.
This moring I was lying in bed for an hour to afraid too ge t up(usuall for us). I was hearing the music changing from one song to another. I also heard distinct other's voises speaking to some of us including me.

I feel I have contradicted myself ...but overall this busy noise filled system usually does not have clear voices from my standpoint even as we engage in things together or exchange information "conversations".Thoug h on a daliy basis I do hear some talking to me ,or i can have a silent & feeling -craved mind. I think just my posting this I am learning/ working things out in mind at the expense of the reader.

Regarding an upcomming anxiety ridden event,I asked my T the other day, What is worse?... having a mind loud and crammed full of noise or quiet & empty achiness.

Does any of this sound familar to you?

oh, this other thing happens. While I am talking or an alter to the outside world, we can be talking from anothers mind. The topic/words doesnt have to generate from who is speaking. Usually this will result in more sharing/understanding those involved, but not alwasy able to recall after maybe a few hours to a day.

This shows your acceptance of them! It is great! I only hear others converse with each other if they do it by mistake. Yes, as those dissociative barriers decrease and you heal, there will be far more system cooperation and awareness of each other.

The ones I have" talked" to about this ,say they have it both ways, awareness of quiet exchanges, face to face discussions or fights..., notice others activity in the system called the Hall .They also hear the music. Some are able to move around to different rooms. Some not, they are told they must stay where they are or choose to stay there, but they still have decreases/ increases in barriers.

Trance logic - whatever you and your system believes is possible inside. The inside world can be anything and do anything. As acceptance continues and those dissociative barriers continue to fall, there will be more options open to all alters inside. Keep plugging away at this. Loving and accepting all alters is the key.

they each have unique and distinct language styles, and visual,& personality characteristics. Most all will answer to my (hosts) name(my name is not diane or dianezz), and will pretend to be me for whatever their reason..to get out, to protect, to give breaks,to be sneaky... IF they feel quite safe, they are just themselves.

This is what an alter is - they want to be a distinct state. How they act depends largely on their relationship during childhood with their abusers. This then of course will vary in everyone.

there can be a tremendous amount of pressure & commotion, milder times and quiet time. Often the quiet times bring an empty shell numb yet painful feeling. There are usually fearful and negative ongoing comments that ARE being spoken quietly by alters,yet disturbing usually. Mocking or minimizing, or just plain reminders that we are frauds, liars and criminals. actually this is not to be mean, but to be upfront that we feel we don't exist and everything we know or have experienced is a made up life. Therefore, nothing bad has ever happened. This is an ongoing protective mode. So that is obviously a therapy issue to get rid of the denial.

Yes, keep working on having all alters accept each other. It begins with YOU! The host (ANP) can be the most phobic. If you can accept all parts of the system, that is a great role model for the others.

Most are able to use the body's voice and talk aloud to outsiders or to the system.
This morning I was lying in bed for an hour too afraid to get up (usual for us). I was hearing the music changing from one song to another. I also heard distinct other's voices speaking to some of us including me.

Keep paying attention. All parts of you need love, acceptance and attention. Laying in bed in the early mornings is idea for this. It's often hours after I actually wake before I can actually get out of bed due to my busy mind. If you can, don't rush, give them this time. At least for me, if they do this while I am up, then I am too exhausted to function.

I feel I have contradicted myself ...but overall this busy noise filled system usually does not have clear voices from my standpoint even as we engage in things together or exchange information "conversations".Though on a daily basis I do hear some talking to me ,or i can have a silent & feeling -craved mind. I think just my posting this I am learning/ working things out in mind at the expense of the reader.

Writing! For the host this is invaluable. No one but the host in my system is allowed to write - due to old rules laid down by Father - it's simply forbidden and met with harsh punishment, but the host (me) I can try and take what the other alters tell me and write it down and make sense of it all. Do you have a journal or a blog? These are excellent ways to do this.

Regarding an upcoming anxiety ridden event,I asked my T the other day, What is worse?... having a mind loud and crammed full of noise or quiet & empty achiness

Which is worse - that would change each time. Which ever the case, take the opportunity to work with parts of you that need something.

While I am talking or an alter to the outside world, we can be talking from anothers mind. The topic/words doesn't have to generate from who is speaking. Usually this will result in more sharing/understanding those involved, but not always able to recall after maybe a few hours to a day.

This is great. This shows you are breaking down those dissociative boundaries. Keep working. You are on your way!

thank you tylas...what wonderful wise insight you brought to me. I have been in therapy about 10 years and everything is so slow. Many of those years,I just have no memory of. That is another good reason that we did indeed journal. Ten years of all session notes, inbetween journaling ,poems.
I wish you all could be freer to write, sounds like you help out nicely there. We ,most of us, find discomfort sharing with T, here, the husband, ... and even still journaling, doesnt matter the content of what we share...just saying HEllo we feel a twinge.. We jsut know that parents and other abusers forced us to keep secrets/mouth shut regarding our badness, or it would basically come back to bite us big time. We keep plugging away despite the fear and paranoia.

Yes, the morning can really be used to communicate before it jumbles with the day and becoming a tireing stressor.

dianezz wrote:My T has been in the process since we started with him to get some, if not all ,gathered at a table to talk and compromise and make rules. Some of us have been together and working as a team at times during sessoins with our T, and outside of therapy. We are together. We have exchanges,can compromise,but very little clear voice-like conversation from my viewpoint

To ME,the majority of the time, those in my sytem do not converse. Rather, as the barriers decrease ( and can reappear), parts share awareness of information, messages, traits, memories,characteristics, comments , attitudes, thoughts, and so on with me and others. But, really almost the same as voicing themselves to whom they want with out distinct voices.As this occurs 24/7, i usually hear it as background noise/discussion, . It can get really loud as they connect with others. Oh, I also hear music playing at the same time 24-7.

Remember, just because you can't hear them, doesn't mean they're not conversing or interacting or stuff like that. It just means that they're staying out of your way/awareness, either intentionally or unintentionally (with subconscious barriers and such possibly between you guys). I'm not saying that this is happening for sure with you, but it is always a possibility to keep in mind.

Being "new", I don't hear much anything unless I'm co-hosting with someone (not just co-conscious with someone- being in control together and simply being aware of the outside world together are two different things), but I do feel a lot, and I can tell which feelings are from who. I know that Cassandra often hears chatter/interactions, and what you said sounds familiar to her, I can tell (she's "sending" feelings of agreement, if that makes any sense at all). The others in the Main Group usually hear the chatter/interactions going on among the rest of them inside as well; same with the others in the Secondary Group, they can usually hear chatter/interactions going on among the rest of them, too. (But they can usually only hear those that are in the same Group, unless they are co-conscious or co-hosting with others not from their Group. Hope that made sense).

dianezz wrote:The ones I have" taked" to about this ,say they have it both ways, awarenes of quiet exchanges, face to face discussions or fights..., notice others activity in the system called the Hall .They also hear teh music. Some are able to move around to different rooms. Some not, they are told they must stay where they are or choose to stay there, but they still have decreases/ increases in barriers.

The main barriers we have is the one between the first level/Main Group of alters and the second level/Secondary Group of alter. Of course, there's some obstacles here and there between each alter in the Groups (such as one may not be able to switch as easily as another, one may not be able to be co-conscious as easily as another, etc)., but for the main part, it's just the one barrier between the two Groups.

These barriers will become easier to bypass with working on communication, acceptance, understanding, and increased awareness. (Oh, and don't forget some good, ol' fashioned time as well. Everything takes time).

dianezz wrote:they each have unique and distinct language styles, and visual,& personality characteristics. Most all will answer to my (hosts) name(my name is not diane or dianezz), and will pretend to be me for whatever their reason..to get out, to protect, to give breaks,to be sneaky... IF they feel quite safe, they are jsut themsleves.

With every DID system, alters usually hide/pretend to be the host unless they feel safe or unless they are unable to be (such as an alter meant to scare someone off, etc). Hiding = safety for DID systems. They're meant to promote functioning by seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible, so if they're obvious and not hiding, they'll draw attention to themselves, and they don't want that because it won't help them/the host seem "normal" or "ok".

Rebel is one in our system that pretends to be Cassandra often. She'll even go by the nicknames "Sandra", "Sandra Dee", and "Sandy" to still be different but not raise any attention/questions. Mostly she does it to have time out around friends who don't know about the DID (and thus don't know that the one they're usually spending time with is Rebel, not Cassandra). She has done it to simply be "out" before, and she has been sneaky about it in the past as well, but then again her name is "Rebel". (Besides, communication, compromises, and guidelines have really helped her to stop doing such things and stop being a difficult rebel).

dianezz wrote:there can be a tremendous amount of pressure & commotion, milder times and quiet time. OFten the quiet times bring an empty shell numb yet painful feeling.

This is familiar to Cassandra. Though the only real quiet times for us are when we're blocking others out (either intentionally or unintentionally- like if we're triggered or "new" or something), or if everyone's on the second level/with the Secondary Group (this has happened before, but only once so far), or if everyone's quietly in their rooms (rarely ever happens).

dianezz wrote:There are usally fearful and negative ongoing comments that ARE being spoken quietly by alters,yet distrubing usually. Mocking or minimizing, or jsut plain reminders that we are frauds, liars and criminals. actually this is not to be mean, but to be upfront that we feel we don't exist and everything we know or have experienced is a made up life. Therefor, nothing bad has ever happened. This is an ongoing protective mode. So that is obvioiusly a threrapy issues to get rid of the denial.

This is very familiar to Cassandra, and she's the only one who can hear the "denial voice" so far. She doesn't hear it often, but when she does hear it, it won't go away until she's re-convinced that this is all a lie/fake/not real. (That's usually when someone like Shay refuses to be quieted/locked away/called a lie/called fake, and they forcefully take control and will keep it until Cassandra will at least realize DID is a possibility again).

dianezz wrote:Most are able to use the body's voice adn talk aloud to outsiders or to the system.
This moring I was lying in bed for an hour to afraid too ge t up(usuall for us). I was hearing the music changing from one song to another. I also heard distinct other's voises speaking to some of us including me.

This is familiar to most everyone in our system (except me. And probably "Hannibal", but no one really knows much about him, so who knows. Cassidy doesn't yet hear voices (unless someone's co-hosting with her, like myself), and Kyra has only heard voices clearly when they're actually speaking to her, not among themselves).

dianezz wrote:I feel I have contradicted myself ...but overall this busy noise filled system usually does not have clear voices from my standpoint even as we engage in things together or exchange information "conversations".Thoug h on a daliy basis I do hear some talking to me ,or i can have a silent & feeling -craved mind. I think just my posting this I am learning/ working things out in mind at the expense of the reader.

We can have conversations with each other, but it depends on who's "out" and if they're co-conscious with others or not (co-consciousness REALLY helps being able to have a conversation, and it helps make sounds/voices/chatter/interactions clearer, too). It also depends on if we're co-hosting, or just co-conscious, because some of us can be co-conscious, aware of what's going on, but we can't really interact with each other or anything like that. If we're co-hosting, though, then we're both in control, and we can interact with each other a lot easier.

It's ok, lots of people post here to help themselves make sense of stuff. This site's for everyone to help themselves in any way they want, including typing out your thoughts and such.

dianezz wrote:Regarding an upcomming anxiety ridden event,I asked my T the other day, What is worse?... having a mind loud and crammed full of noise or quiet & empty achiness.

I think having either one for too long of a time wouldn't be cool at all. I think it's important to find a balance between the two that works for you/your system. Times of communication/connection, and times of quiet/"personal space".


~The Hawk

I can barely comment as you brought me to tears and then Kelly too. I never really understood some of the issues in our hall. My side, well, I have shelterd it to the point that I have poor memory. I can relate to what you said though. Bittersweet tears I guess. Reading something that sounds like the hall. I recently began going to therapy and I am pretty upset and dont want the others in the bright side to get hurt.They seem so hurt in the dark/left side across the hall. I feel less alone. Kelly wrote a lot. I don't like to believe her, but you made sense to us. I first got choked up when you wrote about Cassandra sending agreement thoughts. Then,Kelly and I cried together when you wrote that the denial voice doesnt really leave until she has to be re-convinced. I felt so bad for Cassandra and Kelly does too . Kelly wishes it would go away for herself. I am seeing that I may be part of that denial and I am so sorry to all of you in the hall , I try so hard to keep things nice. Thank you for your response.

I'm glad for the "sweet" part of the tears, I'm sorry there was a "bitter" part to them as well, but like yin and yang, there will usually be good with bad, and we must take both.

Everyone in the system, both our's and your's, is simply doing the best they can at surviving/living the best they know how. Some toes are bound to be stepped on here and there.

I'm sure that the "denial voice" Cassandra hears is either a defensive mechanism, a protective mechanism, or even a whole "denial part/alter" that is simply trying to help Cassandra the only way they know how. Either way, denial is (often) understandable, no matter the source. And through understanding it, we can see that denial is (usually) used for protective or defensive purposes, not malicious ones. I'm sure that the others in the hall will understand that if you are part of that denial, you never meant to hurt/upset any of them.


~The Hawk