Not sure who I am or what's going on...

It's been helpful, but it's still weird to think about in the sense of this stuff is actually happening to me, you know?

That's perfectly understandable. I'm sorry you're going through that. Going through the revelations and understanding "this is what you have" can be so stressful and sad and upsetting and, I think above all, confusing. You're so strong to stick with reading and trying to understand

It's been helpful, but it's still weird to think about in the sense of this stuff is actually happening to me, you know?

It makes sense that's why you switched out. But maybe there's another reason why you're still not switching back? I've noticed before that when someone from your 2nd level switches out and has problems, sometimes it can take a while to switch back to the 1st level. Or like when Shay had a hard time, it took quite some time before someone else was able to switch in again for long. Sometimes when we're triggered it can take some time to switch back, other times it can just randomly take time and someone gets "locked" in the body. It seems it's easier for you to switch with the others from the 2nd level - have you tried asking if one of them would like to take over so you can rest? Or maybe the internal world is at work trying to balance what will happen when you go inside again with the whole outside vs. inside life? Making what will be there when you get back and whether you get that same life you had inside back again? I have no idea, I'm just guessing, hoping something will resonate with you or give you an idea of why you're out or make you feel re-assured that things like this (where someone stays a while in the body) happens sometimes, and while it's stressful and confusing, it does pass

I hope you figure this out. Best of luck

lifelongthing wrote:It makes sense that's why you switched out. But maybe there's another reason why you're still not switching back? I've noticed before that when someone from your 2nd level switches out and has problems, sometimes it can take a while to switch back to the 1st level. Or like when Shay had a hard time, it took quite some time before someone else was able to switch in again for long. Sometimes when we're triggered it can take some time to switch back, other times it can just randomly take time and someone gets "locked" in the body. It seems it's easier for you to switch with the others from the 2nd level - have you tried asking if one of them would like to take over so you can rest? Or maybe the internal world is at work trying to balance what will happen when you go inside again with the whole outside vs. inside life? Making what will be there when you get back and whether you get that same life you had inside back again? I have no idea, I'm just guessing, hoping something will resonate with you or give you an idea of why you're out or make you feel re-assured that things like this (where someone stays a while in the body) happens sometimes, and while it's stressful and confusing, it does pass

They don't seem to be able to hear me, at least no very easily or completely. So it's hard to ask. I tried writing, but the voices spoke back instead of writing back, and there was something said about like, not being able to switch at-will? And only being able to switch if it was like, really needed? I think I heard something about the word "trigger".

I heard there's a lot of stuff going on inside. Lots of meetings and talks about changes, lots of changes already in place, lots of adjustments and stuff. 'Cause when I was out like, a couple nights ago or whatever, the voice Cassidy ended up coming "out" and like, apparently she saw her real reflection in the mirror and got all confused and scared, and started crying and stuff. 'Cause she had her like, own reality too, where she was still 8 and still lived with mom and dad and stuff. So yeah, big shock to her, so I guess there's lots going on inside.

I think I made some sort of progress or whatever though. I was walking back home from the transit center and like, I ended up finding some songs on "my" MP3 player that reminded me of DID and had like, good visuals for it. One example lyric is "So wake me when it's through, I don't want to feel, the things that you do. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I just don't want this dream. Wake me up inside".

And I dunno, the songs just like, really clicked with me or something. And with this lyric: "There's a point I think we're missing. It's in the air we raise our fists in. In the smiles we cast each other, my sister, my brother", I saw myself like, "inside" my head, I guess, and it was just a big open room, nothing in it. And I saw myself getting a one-armed hug from a girl with black hair, and a scar across her left eye, she said her name was Kat. And she kinda like, smirked and greeted me. Then I got a quick hug from a boy with blondish hair who said his name was Dallas, and he smiled and welcomed me. And then like, I got a quick handshake from a boy with black hair and lip piercings who said his name was Damone, and he like, did a nervous smile and nodded at me. (It was kinda cute Is that like, wrong or sick of me? ). So, I "met" Kat, Dallas, and Damone, I guess. And after I "saw" that happen like, "inside" my head, I felt this...surge of...something. Acceptance? And like...not being alone, like being a part of like, a sort of family? (I saw myself "meet" Kat with the lyric "my sister", and I saw myself "meet" Dallas with the lyric "my brother"). I dunno, that's the best I can explain it.

So, maybe after a bit I'll make some more progress or something. Like, I make a bit of progress each time I come out or something. Maybe. I dunno. Just trying to think of ways it "works" or could "work" or whatever.

Yeah, so, aside from the panic attacks I had today, I kinda feel good. And ok with being me.

~Kyra

That is great great progress Kyra I'm so happy for you!

And no, it's not weird or anything like that of you that you think he's cute. In a system, sometimes people are family, twins, in relationships etc etc. That's okay and normal in the DID world

And ok with being me.

I'm glad to hear that. You deserve to feel ok about being yourself