Sexual Orientation Confusion... *Trigger Warning*

* trigger: god talk *
From watchin' Jo over the years, she's gone through ten years of confusion over her orientation, I never got the chance to tell her this cause she couldn't be hearin' me. God makes every personality. Some people got one, some got more. I say those of us with more are blessed. But in the end God made us this way. I'm straight cause God made me so. Jo's bisexual cause God made her that way too. Sometimes bad things happen to us, but that doesn't mean you're not, in the very point of your personality, exactly the way you are meant to be. And that includes bein' gay. You desire what you want/are meant to desire, ain't nothin' wrong with that.

- Michael

* trigger: god talk *
From watchin' Jo over the years, she's gone through ten years of confusion over her orientation, I never got the chance to tell her this cause she couldn't be hearin' me. God makes every personality. Some people got one, some got more. I say those of us with more are blessed. But in the end God made us this way. I'm straight cause God made me so. Jo's bisexual cause God made her that way too. Sometimes bad things happen to us, but that doesn't mean you're not, in the very point of your personality, exactly the way you are meant to be. And that includes bein' gay. You desire what you want/are meant to desire, ain't nothin' wrong with that.

- Michael

I very much agree with you Michael. Very well said.

Sexual orientation is something that is a non-issue for me! In the sense that I am attracted to certain people and their gender is irrelevant to me. But I am above all pragmatic! There's probably a rainbow of preferences, I seem to have more and more aspects! I take the same stance on whether there is a core or original. I tend to think not but I don't really care!

zest wrote: I take the same stance on whether there is a core or original. I tend to think not but I don't really care!

Yea, I dont think there is a core person or alter. there is a potention ME that is underconsrutcion ...it is the sum of all my parts once they are integrated to what ever extent is right for us. Off topic, I know

***Big Trigger Warning***

Do you feel like you have this inner drive to act out sex with a male? Like it feels like a mission to get it done? Sometimes I have this drive...But it feels dark and emotionless. I don't feel aroused, passionate, or in the moment (like I do with females), I feel brainwashed to do it. I feel some control because the man is aroused, but I feel emotionless and brainwashed to do it. And after I think I would feel horrible shame and depression. That isn't what sex is supposed to be.

Don't forget that even when sexual abuse feels mentally wrong, the body still will process pleasurable feelings as a good thing. So at an age waayyyy too young to even think about sex, we were being physically pleasured (even though mentally it was scary and hurtful). How confusing can that be to a child?!

I had years of SA and I know it influences my sexual fantasies at times...but when I really think about how I'd feel being alone with another man, I feel awful. I don't feel attracted to men either, just sometimes the fantasy of being dominated by one. Plus, how triggering would it be to have sex with a man if when a child you were abused by one?

**END Trigger**

I think if you were truly bisexual/gay, you would look at a male and feel attracted to them and admire their physical features, without thinking about the sex. You would feel excited and passionate when you are close to a male you were attracted too.

I know that my occasional confusing thoughts are due to abuse, and acting out on them would feel like reliving abuse. Not saying that is how you would feel, but just give it some good thought, because reliving that stuff is awful. woah, that was triggering to write.

humptydumpty wrote:***Big Trigger Warning***

Do you feel like you have this inner drive to act out sex with a male? Like it feels like a mission to get it done? Sometimes I have this drive...But it feels dark and emotionless. I don't feel aroused, passionate, or in the moment (like I do with females), I feel brainwashed to do it. I feel some control because the man is aroused, but I feel emotionless and brainwashed to do it. And after I think I would feel horrible shame and depression. That isn't what sex is supposed to be.

Don't forget that even when sexual abuse feels mentally wrong, the body still will process pleasurable feelings as a good thing. So at an age waayyyy too young to even think about sex, we were being physically pleasured (even though mentally it was scary and hurtful). How confusing can that be to a child?!

I had years of SA and I know it influences my sexual fantasies at times...but when I really think about how I'd feel being alone with another man, I feel awful. I don't feel attracted to men either, just sometimes the fantasy of being dominated by one. Plus, how triggering would it be to have sex with a man if when a child you were abused by one?

**END Trigger**

**Triggers!!*

Hi humptydumpty.

This is exactly what we feel at times!! It's like we were told to act in a certain way and now we just try to continue that...even if we TRULY KNOW that it's hurtful to the mind and body. Our sexuality was NEVER OURS - it was painted over us and forced on us!! And we BELIEVED that this is what we should be, this is what "normal" sexuality is!!

But it's all lies! We were hurt. You were hurt.

I know exactly that feeling you just described! We just gotta go and talk to those parts that carry the ORIGINAL, UNTOUCHED AND NEVER SURFACED sexuality of our VERY OWN and try to replace the bad and wrong sexuality with it!!

Gosh, it hurts...to talk of this...it hurts so bad... We've been hurting so badly lately!

This post went wrong due to computer problems! I'm at work!

dianezz wrote:

zest wrote: I take the same stance on whether there is a core or original. I tend to think not but I don't really care!

Yea, I dont think there is a core person or alter. there is a potention ME that is underconsrutcion ...it is the sum of all my parts once they are integrated to what ever extent is right for us. Off topic, I know

I agree! Succinctly put! (But you're right, it is off topic!).

I've decided to just say I'm a lesbian considering most of my alters are attracted to girls and I have no interest in having a relationship with a man. I can find them sexually attractive but I don't want a boyfriend unless I'm getting married to him or something, and he would have to be a 10/10 honestly. The only alter who likes boys uses them for manipulation (but she doesn't sleep with them) and I think she's a lesbian deep down too lol

humptydumpty wrote:I think if you were truly bisexual/gay, you would look at a male and feel attracted to them and admire their physical features, without thinking about the sex. You would feel excited and passionate when you are close to a male you were attracted too.

I know that my occasional confusing thoughts are due to abuse, and acting out on them would feel like reliving abuse. Not saying that is how you would feel, but just give it some good thought, because reliving that stuff is awful. woah, that was triggering to write.

C'mon, D. You know it's safe here.

See....that's the problem....

This is where I get confused....I get...bad flashbacks...of apparently something to do with another guy....that I don't like at all....

(And often don't want to believe they're real or actually happen... Keep going, D. You're just fine).


But then....I look at pictures....of guys.....and feel.....attraction? Interest? I guess? It feels less wrong than when I look at pictures of girls if that makes any sense at all....


Problem is, I know I'm supposed to be looking at girls and getting emotional reactions or whatever from them, not....guys....



You're doing awesome, D. Remember, you can say anything you want to here, and there's no pressure to say anything if you don't want to.

...

I think D's done for now. You did great, D. I'm proud of you.

~Luna

-Damone