Can anyone relate? feeling like a robotic cartoon girl.

This is difficult to explain - and potentially long but I really need help understanding and have no one or where to ask at all.

For those who don't know me I have a Dx of BPD/EUPD. I used to have a dissociative disorder within EUPD - but that has been taken off now sometime. No idea when. I am taking 40mg propranolol every other day (was daily) but I don't think it is too much. I did get dizzy and faint here and there, hence the every other day, but my bpm is usually 55-60 and it is normally 57-62 without propranolol so I doubt that will cause all of this. It happens when I don't take it as well.

Those are the basic facts. My problem is that lately I am so strange that I do not even know what is exactly going on for me. I feel like a robot freak girl. My partner has been commenting a lot that I am behaving strangely, or weird - and on many of these occasions I am entirely unaware. She tells me though what I am doing. Sometimes I am aware of what I am doing - but not feeling able enough to be in control of all of me.

- I am detached a lot from my surroundings. Everything gets really far away and hazy. In these moments when I am aware I am usually focused on one sense, like everything warps and gets sucked into one minuscule piece of my vision, sound, taste or something like that. I didn't think it happened for very long, like snippets of moments maybe but my partner said it can happen for like 10 minutes. When we were in Nandos I managed to eat the whole of my corn on the cob and not realise. (I was disappointed as thats my fav once I realised)

- sometimes I feel unreal, like I am not human. I get the urge to go up to someone and feel and pinch their hand for example because is theirs the same as mine?

- I'm getting very detached. Like I am not in control of my self again/anymore. Like I am half here and then someone else is in control of other stuff. Like being a half puppet half human.

- My moods are exceptionally erratic, more quick and changing than usual. I go from entirely lifeless and depressed and suicidal to numb to feeling fine but not with it, then hyper or especially chirpy to feeling like a ghost REALLY ****ing quickly. BPD???

- I keep getting lots of jilted energy. It makes me skip randomly (again I feel out of control of this) and I feel animated, like a cartoon. Like the front outside of me is a cartoon and I am behind, like an animator but out of control. Like someone is demonstrating to me how to animate on a computer by using my body as an example. - anxiety??

- Sometimes I don't feel things. When I was washing my hands a lot of times at work it is a high pressure spray tap (like a mini power shower) and I find myself "waking up" like from sleep and realising that my hands are under the water (which is always cold) yet I cannot feel it.

- I often feel like I am falling asleep with my eyes open. At work when some people came in, I "woke up" and they were asking me a question as if they'd been asking me a few times, like the "hello???" tone. I do not remember blackness.

- My partner says I stare more than usual. I always slip into stares anyway, but she says I am in my own world staring a lot and keeps telling me to stop because I will get myself in trouble if the wrong person thinks I am staring at them. (I live in south east london - and not a 'nice' part.)

- my head jerks back and I click my jaw. I feel like a puppet when this happens. I used to click my jaw all the time out of anxiety I think anyway, but now I throw my head up and my partner says I pull a face. Sometimes I am aware, but sometimes I think I am not because out earlier my partner was like, WTF was that about? And I did not know what she was talking about. (i do not have tourettes or anything like that and no history so that won't be relevant.) - is that anxiety maybe?

- my hands do ****. I snap them like a crocodile in a pattern but the pattern is always different. Sometimes I am aware and it is soothing, others I do not realise until I see myself (reflection for example.) - I was thinking, is that just anxiety? It happens most when I'm walking or out.

- words are hard for me sometimes and I get muddled. is that an anxiety thing? Like when I was asking for a cake in costa she didn't know which one and I couldn't get any words out but a uh uh no uh mm - like someone had their hand around my neck every time I was trying to talk. Is that anxiety? I don't know that much about anxiety really other than the obvious.

- Sometimes I literally feel like a child stuck in an adult. BPD??

- I am quite convinced that people can read my mind. At work when I was having private thoughts that on the outside would be funny, they were laughing in the kitchen. Then when I was sad or struggling to hear (I didn't tell anyone about this but to ask about the volume button once) everyone was being extra nice and not getting frustrated at my lack of hearing, but just giving me business cards instead. This is strange though because that didn't happen before, y'know? It's like, all of a sudden I am a broadcasting tower.

- Also with the hearing thing, my partner said it is more like I am not paying attention than not hearing. (supposed to be having a hearing test but heard nothing of that) and then i tried paying more attention and really focusing but it was like, when someone was talking to me they were behind a bubble wall speaking mermish at me. Sometimes they had to write it down for me. On the phone it is as if I go momentarily deaf when they are saying what I am supposed to be hearing. Sometimes I can make out vague shapes of words from sounds if it is in a context i recognise, but if it's a new name of a company or person then it is a real struggle.

I think maybe I'm not coping lately because underneath it all I am painfully aware that I am very unhappy but unable to control anything going on. My life is being messed around with a lot and I am completely out of control and trapped.

I am not drinking much at all. The odd pint here and there.

Is this just anxiety?

Sometimes I can concentrate really well and just zone into what I'm doing, like getting in the zone/flow: whatever it is called. Other times, I cannot see. Everything blurs and I cannot read or string things together.

Is this just anxiety and I didn't realise it maybe?

Sorry for the long post. I hope someone can help shed a little light or ideas on it for me because I feel like a total freak - and it's rubbish.

Neely

You are definitely not a "freak." Many people experience similar or even identical things as the ones you described. Sometimes, people with no mental illness at all will have the occasional episode of intense dissociation, paranoia, or erratic mood swing. But if these things are happening on a regular basis, I suggest that you either have a dissociative disorder, such as Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, or you have Borderline Personality Disorder, or both. But I'm not a doctor so don't take my word for it. I don't know much that helps in the treatment of intense dissociation-- I haven't found anything yet that works well for me-- but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I feel many of the same things you do, and I feel some things that are even weirder, like thinking I have multiple personalities.

--I am always detached from my surroundings. I find it difficult to note physical details about anyone I talk to, and have absolutely no sense of direction. Sometimes I have forgotten which bus to take home even though I'd been on it dozens of times. This is a form of dissociation called derealization.

---I also have brief times where I feel unreal. I'm not really there, or nobody can see me, or I am just some creature who doesn't belong to this universe. This is a form of dissociation called depersonalization.

---My mood are also quickly changing, and my emotions are very, very intense. So intense they cannot be described with mere words. This could be a sign of rapid cycling bipolar disorder, and is also a symptom/criteria of Borderline.

---I also know what you mean about the jolts of energy. I have always called them "muscle spasms" and brushed them away like they were no big deal. I do not know how this relates to BPD or Dissociation, but I have noticed it as a trait in many friends and acquaintances with various mental illnesses. Of course, if this seriously is troubling to you, you might want to talk to a neurologist, just to make sure that the random jerking motions are not related to epileptic activity.

----Again, staring into space and zoning out is another symptom of dissociation. It is found in most dissociative disorders. My friends tend to laugh when this happens to me; I'll be staring at nothing and then suddenly "come back" with no idea how much time has passed.

---Not feeling certain sensations at some times is not itself a dissociative symptom, but it could be a sign you are not very well in touch with your body, which is common in people with dissociative disorders. As for me, I am self-injurer, and when I cut myself or hit myself, most of the time, I don't feel any pain. It is very unnerving.

---The head jerking and jaw clicking are probably signs of anxiety.

---I also constantly fidget with my hands. This can be a symptom of anxiety or of ADHD (and I have severe ADHD). Anxious happens are often unconsciously done. So don't freak out about it too much.

---Not being able to speak well can be linked to many things. It could just be social anxiety, which many, many, many people have. Or again, it could be a dissociative symptom. During episodes of dissociation, people with dissociative disorders, people with BPD, and people who have epilepsy will become confused, foggy headed, and find speaking incredibly cognitively difficult, as well as physically difficult. This happens to me when I am in an intense emotional situation. It feels like I'm screaming but my mouth won't move; I can't say anything no matter how hard I try.

---Being convinced that people can read your mind is a common paranoid delusion. If you have borderline, you may believe this kind of delusion for a short period of time, and then later realize it was silly. People with generalized anxiety may think about a paranoid delusion and fear it, but they don't ever start to really believe it. If you constantly find yourself thinking about and believing in delusions at ALL times, it could be a sign of early schizophrenia.

---As for not hearing well, I agree it does rather have to do with not paying attention. That's not your fault; however, there are ways to train the brain to become more attentive. Frequent trouble listening to others can be a sign of ADHD, and is also common among dissociative disorders. I personally have trouble paying attention to anybody, even the people I love the most. And I don't remember people's names until they have introduced themselves three or four times. It's not because I don't care, it's just that I can't stop my mind wandering away.

Anyway, no, you are not a freak.

I just wanted to jump in and say I relate ALOT to everything you said here. Some days I have trouble posting because I can barely form sentences and phrases properly. I hope you're feeling well!

So much of this sounds familiar to me. Especially the not being able to talk part. Words have always been important to me, I write and read a lot. It's always been my best hobby/escape/way to communicate. Not being able to talk (the screaming inside and not being able to say anything is very familiar to me) is terrifying. I've also developed some aphasia related to various mental health issues and possible a med I was on briefly. Deal with depersonalization and derealization a lot.

I get the jolts too, often call them twitches. Makes me self-conscious in public because I used to get in trouble for fidgeting. I also get like electrical shocks kind of feelings in my wrists and chest. idk what it is, but it seems to be anxiety related. Have had my heart and everything checked and all looks healthy.

If you're a freak I am too, 'sokay we'll make a club.

Hi,
If you feel detached from yourself and your surrounding these are depersonalization and derealization. Both are forms of dissociation. I've been having them for years. They brought me a lot of suffering. I'm neither dead or alive. I do not know if that is what you are experiencing but it is worth of checking on depersonalization forum or in other places. They both could be a part of DDNOs, I think. All the best to you.

I've noticed that some of the electric jolts I feel are actually feelings of fear. Fear can feel like physical pain and electricity when you just notice the physiological reactions.

I have the rapid switching of emotion states, too. I had thought it might be BPD but my therapist said she thought it was better accounted for by my dissociative disorder. I have parts that are more hyper and depressed or angry or anxious. Since my states of hyper can come and go as short as 10 minutes to days or just hours and then pop back in and then leave again quickly ( same with the intense sensation of crippling depression) It's more likely a part or state that holds that who is coming up front and then leaving again. It definitely make me feel a bit like a top. BPD mood switches are more defined by the experiencer being less confused by them and having a "so ######6 what?!" attitude when it is pointed out. Dissociative mood switches make the person feel more confused and have a "what the hell is going on with my brain?" type experience. Of course many people are both, so there is that.