Feel empty, lost

Hi.

I don't have an official diagnosis of clinical depression, but the state I am in these days would probably be enough for a diagnosis I'd say. Let me just begin by describing my situation. I am 20 years old and I'm sort of studying at the moment, I started with computer science as my major, but I failed some courses due to a general lack of motivation and interest in the field so it just went downhill from there. At the moment I'm redoing one of those courses, as well as taking some random courses in psychology. I dream of becoming an architect, but it's hard to get into architecture school where I live.

I feel extremely lonely, because I live alone and I don't know anyone at uni I can talk to. I have problems with social anxiety that makes it worse. I really don't know what I'm doing with my life, I feel like I lack direction. Most days I don't have energy to do anything productive at all, applying myself in any sort of way usually makes me exhausted. My thinking and concentration abilities have become slower than usual. A lot of the time I just go around feeling sorry for myself, and I don't know how to stop. I do hang out with my friends sometimes, maybe once a week. Usually it just makes me feel more lonely. I feel like other people have some passion in their lives, something that makes them get up in the morning, which I don't. I really don't feel like I know myself, but at least I'm making an effort to find hobbies, like drawing which I used to be good at.

The thing I want most of all is a girlfriend, and all other things aside: I am at least decent looking enough to get one. I definitely have these other problems holding me back though. I think most girls would see me as a loser if they ever got to know me in any way. When I interact with them, I feel like something holds me back, like I'm really not in the moment at all.. and also I'm extremely shy with them. Usually I don't talk to girls, unless under the influence of alcohol.

I know this was a lot, but I hope someone reads it and maybe have something to say. Any advice or comments to my situation would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading!

Take small steps. I PROMISE you there is SOMETHING out there that lights your fire. For me , its "injustice". Wierd I know.. but at 41 im just finding this out. Lost for years, and became a workaholic in my own business. When the echonomy slowed I had to face me. I THOUGHT my passion was my business, but its not. It was a way to run away and escape my issues. I know now that joining a group that helps others less fortunate than me is where my heart is. Ive joined meetup dot com. There are THOUSANDS of groups of all kinds of things you can think of. Really think hard. What do you LOVE to talk about, that once you get started, you cant stop? Follow THAT, and find others that you can be around that share this love.

vegasguy wrote:Take small steps. I PROMISE you there is SOMETHING out there that lights your fire. For me , its "injustice". Wierd I know.. but at 41 im just finding this out. Lost for years, and became a workaholic in my own business. When the echonomy slowed I had to face me. I THOUGHT my passion was my business, but its not. It was a way to run away and escape my issues. I know now that joining a group that helps others less fortunate than me is where my heart is. Ive joined meetup dot com. There are THOUSANDS of groups of all kinds of things you can think of. Really think hard. What do you LOVE to talk about, that once you get started, you cant stop? Follow THAT, and find others that you can be around that share this love.

Thanks for responding to my thread! I am taking small steps every day to get out of this. Posting on this site is one of them. I also try to do a bit exercise, 5 minutes a day of uninterrupted exercise that makes me utterly exhausted can actually make a difference. I guess the thing that I love to talk about the most is music, but I'm not brilliant enough nor do I have the motivation to make that my career. In general, I'm afraid of failing at whatever I do.

I have been in a similar situation, and found the my depression was a result of chronic lack of self-worth and the social anxiety, which left me feeling overwhelmed to the point where I just became exhausted and suicidal. It seems like maybe you need to work on your self-worth, I mean I feel pretty $#%^ about myself, but I know that if Im thinking that, then Im sending out (unconscious) signals of feeling unworthy, and therefore no one is going to want to spend time or be in a relationships with me. Sometimes it really is fake-it-til-you-make-it, because honestly, no-one knows that your self-worth is low unless you tell them. Most people really arent that adept at reading others, they are far too involved in themselves. The likelihood is is that when you become shy around females, they actually are likely to think you're not interested in them. If the physical sensation of anxiety is overwhelming, CBT can be really helpful, and medication may also provide some relief instead of using alcohol.

Its really great you've been able to engage in a hobby, even if you dont feel like doing it, its important to keep trying, because there will be a point where you realise you actually are feeling something (regardless of whether it makes you actually feel good). Its also good to try new things if you can, even if you dont want to. Sometimes I find when I feel crap but I need to get out of the house, going by myself to the beach or somewhere in nature, I can get a little bit of perspective.

I hope things start to get better for you soon