Feel like its all hopeless!

Hi,

I don't really know where to start with this, but here goes. I am usually a happy, outgoing and confident man. I have always been pretty sure of what I want and been able to go with the flow. About 5 months ago that all changed. I went home to visit friends and family (I work overseas) and I remember feeling detached and a little puzzled with my place in the world. I started to think about things in my past that should not have had the power to hurt me anymore or torment me in the way that they did. Things like my parents divorce which happened 15 years ago started to make me sad and I felt that I really did not have a relationship with my father and the relationship with my siblings was non bordering non-existent. At the time I was going out with a beautiful girl who really loved me and cared for me a lot. However I never really felt at ease with this relationship. When I came back from my holiday I felt indifferent towards her and was feeling trapped and smothered. I couldn't sleep at night and all I could think about during my sleepless nights were issues from my past. About 2 months from returning from my holiday I decided to end it with my gf, it was the most awful thing I have ever done to anyone, the guilt of telling her I didn't feel the same about her was awful. I didn't feel like I could tell her what was going on with me because I didn't want to see me as weak or pathetic, which was exactly how I felt.

About a week later I had told a friend of mine what was going on and I started to look for a therapist near where I lived. At the same time I was told by a couple of people where I lived that my ex had started to see someone else, which hurt but I couldn't deal with that at the time. I started to see my therapist and it helped a lot, she just let me get everything out and I cried so much, I don't thin I have ever cried like that before. Everything was going 'better' until xmas eve, when on a night out I saw my ex who blanked me completely and later in the evening sent me messages saying that she had never been hurt so much by someone before and how she cant bear to be around me anymore. This really broke me up, I could stand the thought of hurting her that much. I felt it was only right to tell her what had happened to me in an email and I left it there. The few weeks after that I had heard some of the things that had been said by my ex about me and they were awful. They made me feel worthless and felt like a clean right hook just when I had started to pick myself up. I don't blame her for saying what she did, as she was hurt and upset. But it really kicked me down the hole again. A few days on from this I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted at what was looking back at me. A friend of mine came round the next day and took me out for some food and drinks, we ended up getting really drunk and I had thought about killing myself weeks earlier but never saw it as a real option before that night. I left the bar around 3am and said goodbye to my friend, who knew me well enough to see that something was different with me. As I walked home I bought a pack of razors and went home, went in the shower and well I think you can figure out the rest. I came around lying on my kitchen floor with my friend calling the ambulance, I don't think i will ever forget that image of him standing there covered in my blood.

The next couple of days I stayed with a few friends of mine and strangely enough I felt better and felt like I could be over all these horrible thoughts and genuinely seeing purpose in life. I hated the fact that I had hurt my family and possibly mentally scarred a really good friend of mine in the process. Incentive not to be so stupid again! Since then I have really been doing well I met a girl who is fantastic but she's leaving, but I'm ok with that, as I don't think I'm ready for the relationship thing. Work is coming to an end and I was looking forward to my holidays somewhere hot. However the last few days I've started to get sunk into the hole again, and today has been the worst, I cant keep my mind off wanting to die and I feel so guilty about things again. I sympathize with every single person who is going through depression, I never in a million years thought it would happen to me and it would be so cruel, I just want it to stop and leave me alone. I know that I have to talk to someone, but I feel like I am bothering people. I cant bring myself to ring my friend and be like that again and have the feeling that they think differently about me or they are scared of me.

Thanks for reading everyone, I've read a lot of posts on here and other peoples bravery has helped me to write this.

Firstly I think it is very brave of you to post here, that is a good start for talking to someone.
Secondly, you are not being a bother. If it saves your life to talk to someone about this, then by all means, talk. You aren't wasting anyone's time or being a bother to anyone by asking for help.

I am sorry to hear of all that you have been through that added to your depression, it is definitely a hard thing to work through. But it is really fantastic to hear that your friend called the ambulance for you and that they cared so much about you. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your friend about how you feel, would you try seeking therapy again? Or maybe calling a helpline locally? They are very useful if all you want to do is talk.

And you can post here whenever you want. Everyone here is pretty supportive, and we will listen and talk if you want. I hope things get better for you, I can understand how you are feeling. It sounds cliche, but things get better, I can promise you that.

Today has been a awful day,

I've felt like its rock bottom all over again. Its always here, waiting just to give me a nudge when I don't show it any attention. These feelings of worthlessness are all I can think of. Even with 100 people around I feel alone. Always in my own head, engaged in some sort of fruitless battle of morality or mortality.

I've been under a cloud now for so long, but the skies keep getting darker, even with the small rays of light now and then, they don't last long enough to break all the way. The people I know don't realize what it does to me, what I give every time in love and life, and what it takes from me. I'm drained of every part of myself, which I guess was a broken vessel to start with. I've tried to be a good person but it gets me nowhere. No matter how much I try or how many good things I do recently, I'm punished.

I'm looking for ways to improve, ways to make things right for myself, but I'm on empty with no way to fill up. Getting out of bed is a battle lately and when I get up the body does what its supposed to, but my thoughts remain stationary. Stuck in past situations of lost love, fights, heartbreak and disappointment.

The Cycle just repeats everyday like a clapped out record player, playing the song you f***ing hate the most. I don't know who pulls the strings in my head anymore, its not me! I'm loosing more times than I'm winning, and the crowd is getting restless, they want the managers head!

I've had therapy sessions this week, and I have come out feeling indifferent whereas before I always felt positive.

I can really relate to your story. Depression is a process. Some days you are up - some you are down. It sounds like you are doing the right thing with dating again, working, getting therapy and vacationing in warm areas. I hope you can find true happiness. keep posting!