Craving depression

So, here's the thing. I'm clinically depressed. I'm on Zoloft, but that only really helps with the rather bad anxiety I have, not the depression. For as long as I can remember, I've really only had two moods, one of apathy and complete emptiness, and one of depression. I've been like this since high school, and I just finished with college, so I think this is pretty much life is destined to be.

Anyway, whenever I'm not depressed(or rather, whenever I'm not sad) I find myself wanting to feel depressed. I suppose I find sadness to feel better then emptiness. I sort of have a love-hate relationship with depression. It's a comforting weight. I enjoy on some level sinking into it, curling up and allowing it to cover me like a blanket. It is a nurturing feeling. The downside of this of course is that I find it hard to even get out of bed in these moments of intense sadness.

But it's something, you know? It's an old friend. My depression knows me better then anyone, and I think on some level I enjoy it. What else is there really? I've done therapy, I've done medication, and nothing has helped. I don't even think I want to be helped, since I'm not sure what I'd be like without this illness. The moments I seem "free" of it, I feel naked.

I'm sort of wrecked either way. I have no friends, but I don't really want them either, being so socially stunted in all the critical years of adolescents. I have no goals for my future, outside an occasional desire to write. Even if i could wake up tomorrow and be free of this, where would I go from there?

No real advice needed. But 'tis the season to rant I suppose. On some level I've made my peace with it. I can't imagine life any other way, and honestly I don't think I could be happy even if I was not ill.

In any event, thank you for taking the time to read my self pity. Happy Holidays to all.

Hi,

What exactly are you doing in life right now? I do'nt believe you mentioned work or further study. If you were doing something - i.e. had something to go to each day - do you believe that your problem would be 'less of a problem'? Having nothing to get up for can bring depression to anyone. I can say with confidence that I have never spent a full day indoors for the past 6 or 7 years. I force myself to go outside each day, if even for an hour's walk. You could also look into doing some volunteering, such as in victim support or - ironically - depression counselling.

Anyway, when you suffer depression for so logn, it does indeed seem comfortable. When you start to feel happy, you also miss the depression because it is so familiar to you. Your brain knows nothing more than to be depressed an it is easier for it to resort to 'depressive' pathways than it is to break through to happiness. However, this is not to say that you cannot be truly happy in your life. Remember that.

You write? - submit your poems or stories to competitions.

Take care
Kevin

I've written a novel and am working on a few others. It's proving difficult to get it published though, which has zapped much of my energy. Perhaps I'll look into publishing it online. Maybe it will even find an audience.