depressive thoughts

Feeling sad. I have been speaking with my therapist but I am so closed off I can't even talk to her. I have noticed such a worsening in myself lately I feel frightened. As my therapist says, I have coped really well with this over the last 15 years without any help until this year.

My problem is I cannot relate to people at all. I cannot talk to people or simply say to someone "I'm feeling bad". I look around and I feel so alone in the world. I know this is mostly my own fault because I never try to make friends with anyone or get close to anyone or any effort to talk to anyone. But sometimes, I would like someone to talk to.

This week, particularly today I just can't get away from the idea that I want to die. It's just a terrible feeling I have.
I don't want to die. I don't believe that I want to die but I feel this getting worse, it's been an idea in my head since I was thirteen but I never felt like it was something I wold ever do, although when I look forward it does seem my only future.
I don't want to feel like this and I am too scared to talk to my therapist about this, the way I've felt over the last 15 years is that I've lived like a disabled person, I never go out except to work and I don't mix with anyone so it feels like if I started to tell her these horrible thoughts, I'm re-entering the world a little and 15 years of grief is going to come hurtling out.
I dont know why I felt this way for as long as I can remember or really why no one really ever tried to help me, maybe I just got too good at hiding it. I grew up alone emotionally, as my parents were extremely neglectful (not their fault, they just didn't know how to be parents) and they left me alone all of the time, didn't ever really talk to me at all.
I'm just feeling at my worse today and I don't see how to improve things.
I think that the fact I chose to see a therapist, even though no one knows at all but me and her that I see her, and maybe that I'm posting here is a good sign. It's got to be.
I just don't know why I feel so bad, or why I started feeling so bad and hating myself when I turned into my teens. I've loathed myself for so long yet I just don't know why.
I'm so sorry for boring anyone who is reading this. I just really needed to let this out somewhere.

Heya,

I know what you're going through - believe me. The feeling of hopelessness and loneliness exist in the present, but - you're right - you have taken the first positive steps by coming here and by seeing a therapist. Please stick with both. I argue, however, that this website will ultimately be the most beneficial for you. People open up more on the World Wide Web and you have already demonstrated that by mentioning something that you admit to not feeling comfortable mentioning to the therapist. it is the same for all of us.

As a way forward, what do you feel you could be happy doing? The thoughts of death will remain with you for a while - perhaps even when you actually feel happy they will exists somewhere - but they will also disappear at some point. When you suffer for such a long period of time, as you have, 'residual' thoughts remain from those darkest of days that you have endured, but memories can become less 'in focus' in our minds when we move forward in leaps and bounds.

You mention not being sure about hhow to improve things. That's understandable, but don't give up. The path through all of this will be uncertain at times, but you have the ability to shape things too, to a certain extent. I believe that the social aspect should also be improved-upon concurently with everything else. You feel alone - right? - but you lack certain social skills. Nevertheless, the only way to gain those skills is by experimenting and taing risks. If you are ever invited out, then take the offers. Alternatively, contact organistaions in your area that involve regular meetings of people with common interests. I know that the thought of doing this is scary, but you simply have to gamble and take the risk by going...

Take care
Kevin

Thank you for your response. I know other people feel this way too. It's just sometimes when I start talking about this I feel like I am whining, or making a big deal out of nothing because nothing really bad, that I can remember, has ever happened in my life- so I dont understand why I feel so destroyed.
Except that I do feel bad about my parents a bit, as I once did sort of try to get her attention by attempting to swallow a large amount of pills when I was 14 but all she did was hit me and push my head down so I choked out the pills and then she never mentioned it again (after telling me not to be so silly).
>what do you feel you could be happy doing?
I don't really feel happy doing much. I very very much like music, it speaks to me and through me. I feel revered at live concerts of my favourite singer. I sometimes can write poetry which I feel helps me understand a bit of how I feel.

The social aspect is hard because although I feel alone and out of touch, I also have a certain need to be alone much of the time. That is very important to me, I don't feel comfortable with a lot of people around - I really feel best on my own. I am not worried too much about mixing with people, I just want to be able to understand people/they me - instead of the remarks from people about weirdness/uniqueness/difference in me.

...so go write some poems and enter them to online competitions. Poetry competitions run year-round. Also, look to see which concerts are coming up and then ask around to see who would like to go with you. Finally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing alone time. I am very much the same in this regard, and I do ensure that I get it when I need it. Sometimes, it can be difficult and you haev to bear with it, but be upfront about your needs with others.

That is all that I wish to say really... don't ever feel that your problems are unimportant compared to others. Just ensure that you continue to focus on improving your life - This you owe to yourself to do.

Kevin

Hi,

Thanks for sharing. I think I am in a similar situation as you. I've been cut off for a long time as well, and the only time I see people is usually through work. My parents also neglected me, so now I most of the time feel defenseless, taking some risk in getting in touch again still scares me, but who knows, the day might come in which things start to make sense again. You are not alone in this, and I hope you will make progress in trying to reenter the world, as well as I hope that for myself.

Hey Aradia. I think it will help a lot if you read a lot about depression online and from books.

I used to order a lot of books about depression, childhood, social skills, confidence and self-esteem at amazon.com. It helped me quite a bit. Learned why I felt the way I felt, so I could do something about it.

When you have depression, knowledge is power.

About that therapist. Sometimes you just have to take a little risk and tell them something really private. The therapist will surely understand, don't be afraid, you're in the right hands.