My story and realization of depression. Please give feedback

This is my first post on any forum... Ever.

MY STORY, (In detail to avoid confusion)
- I was shown love, affection, and support.
- I was taught to be courteous and respectful to others.
- Punishment was mostly "being sent to my room" following a small conversation.
- I was never physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by my parents.
- I was was encouraged, but never forced, to participate in activities of my choice. (sports/music)
- My mother and father worked daytime jobs and were able to provide for their three children. (I never went to bed hungry or had old torn clothes.
- I can not recall a major traumatic event that impaired my happiness.
- I was given praise and thanks for helping and contributing when asked.
- As a family we went on trips, enjoyed holidays, ate dinner together, and utilized our weekends together.
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-- I don't remember my mother and father ever being intimate i.e., holding hands, kissing, or hugging. As the years went on and our relationships grew I started to become more aware of the tension between the two of them. They argued at times like any other couple but were never violent. My mom and dad did their best to hide their anger from my sisters and I.
-- My mother often thought of herself as "the bad guy" because my father was more patient and easy going with our behavior and choices. My mom was depressed and unhappy in her relationship with my dad. My father did not show any signs of "wear."
-- I idolized my fathers intelligence, athleticism, and positive attitude. At the same time my mother became more withdrawn and sad. She confided in me at times when she was upset. I wanted her to feel better and be happy.

I wanted to help. I needed to help.

--They never divorced and still live together. My mother is still depressed. Her negativity has limited our interaction. She often complains and is full of suggestions.
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I joined this forum today with hope to learn about my behavior and struggles as an adult. I have discovered patterns that are not healthy. I am controlling, jealous, and often hurt the people I love the most. I have ideas of what I should be and how I should feel and reflect them onto the people I know and meet. They are not me. I fear that I may have become so engulfed in my parents relationship that I was unable to mature and discover myself. I just keep looking for someone to help while I continue to find myself depressed and afraid to pursue a healthy life.


Any feedback will be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you're here!

It sounds like you have an almost perfect life story. I'm looking at your other post for more details.

Hi TheGoodLife,
Welcome to the forum! So sorry to hear you're struggling with this right now. I, too, grew up with a parent who suffered from depression and I developed many of my own negative behaviors that had a lot to do with my own depression not really being addressed.

Couple of things...

There's evidence that MH issues, more specifically the propensity for them, can run in families. So maybe not view your negative aspects as coming solely from your having focused your attention on trying to help out your parents.

Second, (and I had to come to terms with this one, myself). At some point when we're adults, we hafta start to take care of ourselves. You have things about yourself that you would like to change, so it's ok to take time to work on yourself. You've obviously tried really hard to help your parents, so no one could fault you for not having tried. Try to be kind to yourself and think about getting yourself some help... because you, too, are worth it and have every right to be happy and enjoy life. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to address your own issues?

I hope things get a little better for you soon.

Please feel free to post as much as you like and I hope you find the forum a safe and welcoming place to talk.

Hugs,
Koshka