Is this just depression or something more?

Just as a warning this is really long...

For the past 5 years (since i was 11) I have had on and off bouts of depression. Im pretty sure it triggered when my grandfather died. I had this whole giant sobbing/hyperventilating attack even though i really never initially felt anything when he died. And at that point in of my life i got my period a lot earlier than everyone in my class(at least a year earlier) and so i had the misfortune of getting acne earlier as well(and acne's really bad in my family so it was really embarrassing), i was tall for my age(even though now im short compared to everyone), and my teeth were absolutely horrendously crooked. So of course i got teased a lot of developed very low self esteem. My dad made fun of me a lot for being chubby and not having shapely calves. I had a lot of really good friends, and one extremely close best friend but she moved and then our friendship basically disappeared.

Enter middle school and its all the same: have good friends, then really good friends who have to leave. 7th grade was basically my 'social prime' even though i was still an awkward tween i was outgoing and like hanging out with my friends. 8th grade i had this really good friend who was really abusive and tried to bring me down all the time. Which has happened to me all my life by many different friends who move then i drop all communication. 8th grade i missed so much school that the principal called and said that id have to repeat the grade if it continued.

Then 9th grade and this year everything kind of blew up in my face. After getting my braces off and finally vanishing all of my acne i felt amazing and i looked it too. I'm really shy though and slightly anti social even though when im with good friends im really outgoing. I know that it happens during high school but all my friends changed and so did i. I became more withdrawn and just didn't feel anything. Literally for a whole school year i felt empty and cried all the time.

Now i've noticed a lot of things. I think that i have social paranoia cause whenever i hear people whispering and snickering im always thinking if theyre talking about me and why. Then i kick myself for being conceited. I cannot do public speaking. I get extremely red, start shaking, and my heart starts pounding in my ears. I think i've had many panic attacks(anxiety runs in the family; so does depression) because all of a sudden my heart starts having all this pressure and stabbing pain. Once this year i went to the nurse like that and my bp was raised and so was my pulse but when i got an xray everything was fine. I cannot go to the movie theatres either because i start panicing then start crying. So that means i always make an excuse when my friends go to the movies. Which is the only thing we do so now i never see my friends outside of school.

I still play hooky(missed 19 days this year) just because i want to curl up in bed and just do nothing. Not even read or play computer games . Its not like i didn't want to go to school. I just didn't feel like i had the energy to.

My dad thinks im lazy, and for a time i did too. At first when i started feeling depressed i thought that it was just an act for attention. Then there was a long stretch of months where all i wanted to do was scream. Just scream for days on end. I was just filled with so much anger, and currently im going through the same angry feelings. I cannot stick to anything at all(i just got a job at my dads office but after 3 days i want to quit). Ive been so stressed because my acne is acting up again, and i put on major weight. In fact i was so stressed that for this whole week ive been crying all day long. A few nights ago i sobbed so hard that i started convulsing and then i just fell asleep crying.

I have contemplated suicide on many occasions. Ive thought of how where and when, usually i think that ill just pop a whole bottle of tylenol because cutting would be too messy. However, im too scared and weak to actually go through with the deed. I dont cut but i scratch. i just drag my nails as hard as possible up my arms, but not hard enough to draw blood.

Then there's the paranoia. Not the social but just paranoia in general. I always dread staying home alone because i just feel like there are eyes on me everywhere i go, and i turn every single light on, every tv on, but still the hairs on the back of my neck always stand up. Then at night when i go to bed i turn on my tv and fall asleep to some random movie because without the sound i am more aware of my room and it just feels weird. I always wake up at 2:30 and then later at 3:33 and feel as if there is someone in my room. I cannot go by a mirror, window, doorway, or hallway without feeling as if something is going to be there that i won't expect (like a figure or person). I think this may stem from watching a scary movie(which i haven't seen one in years though, but still).

Im afraid to go to a therapist cause i feel insane and i dont want any medication because when my sister was on stuff she said she wasn't herself.

Thanks for any feedback.

Hi, ThatOneGirl! You have to see a therapist and you might find a good one. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Maybe it's because of all the bullying and loneliness you've been through, it can take a toll on you.
It is not your fault, you didn't do anything to deserve this. Having someone to talk to on a regular basis who is willing to give you advice and support, especially from a professional point of view, could be very helpful to you. They might not put you on strong meds or on none at all, you could talk to them about what you think of meds.
Now, depression is really difficult to go through. You have this place now. There are lots of good people here for you to talk to and maybe we will figure out a way to help you feel better. What do you think?