I have a mind that says, "but what if?".

Can anyone else relate?

I feel that my depression is a result of my inquisitive nature. I find it very hard to just go with things and trust my feelings and instincts. Sometimes I get onto the "upward spiral" and all is going well... I'm busy and I'm thinking ahead, about the future and what needs to be done next; This is usually because I'm distracted. I have no time to ponder "what ifs" because my situation demands quick responses. However, when I get a break on my "upward spiral" my mind is free to roam... and it routinely dwells upon my "situation" and how I'm feeling. I'll consider that I'm happy.... and I'll marvel at how great it is to be happy... then I'll compare it to my prior depression... then I'll wonder why I was depressed... then I'll start to wonder if they were legitimate reasons... and then they become legitimate reasons.. and I'm back on the downward spiral. THAT is my problem... my tendency to review my "human condition" at any given moment. I would liken happiness to thinking in a straight line, with consistent plans for the future and I would liken depression to a constant loop of self destructive self awareness.

It feels as though, to be happy... is to have forgotten about the "depressive loop"... but then I don't know how "happy" people (i.e. doctors) can study such a thing without falling into it themselves.

The worst part is that I value self awareness. If life is one big distraction then there is never time to reflect upon the beauty of it all. I hate the idea of going off to work and then the next minute finding myself in an old peoples home with no concept of what happened. I like to slow down and observe life as a whole... but too much of this leads to anxiety and depression. I need some kind of life to be able to reflect upon... otherwise I'm reflecting upon reflecting. "Oh my , what a wonderful life I am leading! Sitting in bed all day thinking about sitting in bed all day."

Soundclash, maybe you're getting those thoughts because of anxiety or depression. I've gotten anxious about getting depressed right before I got depressed too..

soundclash wrote:Can anyone else relate?
I would liken happiness to thinking in a straight line, with consistent plans for the future and I would liken depression to a constant loop of self destructive self awareness.
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I find this very very interesting. I feel exactly like that. I also recognise all you have said at the start of your post. Being cautious and looking ahead for problems. It often involves trying to second-guess people's actions as well. I also very much recognise the inquisitive nature, which I have always had.

Maybe it was my head-down approarch to life early on. There was a sort of natural progression to life in my informative days. However, my approach to depression is not to dwell on the past too much.

For me, recognising that the world around me now is not a very consistant place has been very important to me. Learning to flexible and adapt to people and situations around me while at other times being asertive with them is becoming something I have to learn now in my early fifties. I am learning things now, which most kids learn when they are in the playground. Things like sticking up for oneself. Also, learning to not worry so much about the future to a certain extent.

Just one other thing I do not think we should be hard on ourselves for having the attributes of being inquisitive or cautious. Where would we be without the inquisitive detective or the inquisitive news reporter for instance, or the person who wants to carry out medical research? I would prefer that the pilot flying the plane I was on was cautious to being care-free.

John