So Alone

I feel so alone in the world. When I first got sick 10yrs ago, any friends I did have walked out on me and the remainder I pushed away until I had no one left. 10yrs on and I'm still alone. I have no friends, I have no family. The only people I have in this world is my mother and father. And although I am tremendously grateful to have them, my existence is a lonely one. I long so much to have people in my life - people who are genuine and that can be there for the long haul - but I don't have the confidence or strength to seek out what I so desperately long for. My mind starts justifying it by telling me I don't deserve anybody else and that I'm destined to walk through life alone. After losing so many people through the years, I have lost confidence in myself and trust in others, and I don't know how or if I will ever get that back. I tell myself I'm better off alone, but I know in my heart thats just a justification for what I don't have and what I feel I will never obtain. I feel so insignificant. I want to love myself, but I just can't

It is so hard to take when a friend abandons you. And I think it feels worse when they are abandoning you and they are aware that you deal with depression. It feels so cold and heartless. The best we can do for ourselves is to give them the benefit of the doubt; assume that they just don't know what to do, and they back away out of fear, completely unaware of the pain they cause.

You are not alone.

I'm at the point where I know I need to "love myself," but I don't know how. How do I change decades of negative thinking about myself? If anyone has an answer for that, please share it!

As far as reaching out to people, just being here on this forum is a good first step, I think.

Thank you for your words.

I understand completely about realising you need to make that next step but not knowing how to do it. I'm also at that stage. Admittedly I think there is a small part of me that is scared to change. Only because this "sickness" has been a part of me for the majority of my life, it almost feels like it has become my identity. Don't get me wrong - I'm definately not saying I enjoy being unwell, but when thats all you've ever known it makes you question "Who will I be if it's gone?" I'm not sure if you have any of those fears or questions yourself, but if you do I certainly understand it.

As far as changing the negative thinking about yourself, I'm trying to go through that process also. I've found that alot of the time the thoughts will still creep in uncontrollably, partly because of the illness and partly because it's become habit. I have my bad days where the negativity is something I can't shake, but then on the good days is when there's an opportunity to take advantage. It's very much baby steps, but when you are feeling reasonably okay, challenge those thoughts when they come in. Sometimes even to get up and do something that you enjoy, even if it's for 5 minutes when those thoughts arrive, it gives you a little bit of power back over your mind. The thoughts may persist for a long time yet, it is certainly a process that needs patience, but the more you can challenge them and the more you can win, even if it's for 5 minutes at a time, you will start to get that power back and the thoughts will start to come about less and less. I know it's hard and we wish there were a button on our head that we could just turn off, but keep persisting and never give up xox

I don't really have friends...
I mean I've madea few recently, and brought some back a little bit, but mostly it's just me and the boyfriend.
It's really hard, when you're so far into the void that you can no longer see light, to make yourself climb up enough to catch a glimpse of the surface... but if you can just FORCE yourself to make 1, just 1, friend... you'll end up with a few more by proxy... and if you can just hold onto them you'll feel just a bit better. Those friends will intro you to other friends and you'll feel better again.
I'm actually coming out of my depression... not rapidly, but a bit... and the thing that jump started it was letting myself have a friend, just one... one turned into three and those three gave me enough of myself back to rekindle some long extinguished friendships.

It's hard...
I know...
I thrive on two-dimentional friends... internet people... you guys... but sometimes you need a 3D friend...
Just sometimes.

SmileXx,
I agree with what you've said. It's just a matter of finding that confidence within myself to make that first move, which I seem to be lacking. I'm really happy to hear things are starting to look up for you xox

Oh they aren't looking up anymore...
They got worse...

I'm back at zero. Hahaha...
But maybe I'll do better next week.
I keep trying, and that's the important thing... right?

Oh no, sorry to hear that. But yes, you're right - keep on trying and take it day by day. The road might be a long one, but you can get there