Keeping away the depression.

Im currently at the stage where my depression is now only mild i can almost regularly see glimpses of hope. I realised I had depression only a couple of months ago, and ive had it for four years now. I never even thought about it before that, i just assumed that i hated school, but a year after i left nothing had really changed so i knew there was more to it. After diagnosing myself and seeing a counsellor i determined the cause of it and since then ive been determined to get through it. I havent been back to the counsellor since i found her condescending and i hated discussing my past and my feelings, so im trying to get through it on my own.

And it's hard. Ive read through all the tips and self help guides so I know basically what you need to do to fight it, and ive been trying it. And i'll go through periods where i feel great and i actually have hope. Ive started reading and dancing again, something i used to love but stopped completely during my depression, and even laughing, which i never did. However i still get extremely anxious before i sleep, even more so than when i was depressed. It takes me hours to get to sleep every night. I start of thinking about all the good things that happened during me day, and then eventually the tone of my thoughts sinks until im freaking out about everything. I think it's because im terrified of relapsing again, its happened to me before, and the relapse is so much worse than the initial depression because i know what hope feels like and losing it just makes me feel useless and worthless.

After having depression for a number of years you get used to it, and it becomes comfortable in a way. As much as i hate being depressed the relapse is always strangely comforting, despite making me feel like crap. And when im going through my happy period, it's always stained with knowledge that a relapse is pretty much inevitable. I need to get out of this mindset, but it's what im struggling with the most. And im more scared then ever because i dont want to exhaust all my options and still be left depressed. I don't want to go on medication because a) i dont think my depression is severe enough and b) i don't want the side effects.

I want to beat this and i am determined, but i'm struggling with keeping in my "happy state". I know the only way is to keep myself busy and surround myself with people, but most people drive me insane and i prefer to be alone most of the time.

Any ideas or tips for fighting a relapse ? If the only way is to see a counsellor then i will, but i'd like to see if i can get through it on my own first.

Hi, whereismymind! Yes, you should see a psych if you can, because it helps lots of people. Maybe try a therapist or psych doctor, if the counsellor wasn't very helpful. Sometimes meds are just necessary, but I respect the fact that you want to make it on your own.
Working out a few times a week (cardio) helps, as does having someone that you can talk to about your feelings and being around people you care about. Some sort of hobby could be good too.
You're welcome to come here any time, by the way.