What now?

My username says it all, I'm lost... very lost! Apologies for this long post, but I need to let this all out.

I'm only 21 years old, I have a beautiful little boy who is 7 months old, I only get to see him at weekends but I love him more than life. He's the only thing keeping me here right now. However, I worry about what kind of Dad he will have. I can't see myself in the future, at all.

I though I’d overcome the thing that once almost made me take my own life. Now the depression is back. The only thing is, 12 months ago when I was first diagnosed with depression, I had a reason to be down, I felt like my life was falling to pieces. Now, nothing is actually wrong. I just feel so down and unable to escape it. I go to the gym 3 times a week, they say it makes you feel good. Indeed it does, but these are only moments of good feeling, the rest of the time I'm covered by a dark cloud. I can’t believe I’m failing so soon after I thought I had got it right. Other than the gym I hardly go out anymore. Misery supposedly loves company but I'm not a big fan of being depressed around other people because I feel an obligation to at least try and hide it, even though I feel I don't belong. I usually spend half the day mentally slapping myself about the face until I’ve rearranged it into a brave one, It‘s exhausting.

I'm too embarrassed to talk about this to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm fine and I'm too worried about disappointing them. Besides, I've seen so many people, I've seen several doctors, a consultant, I've had a CPN, a community care team etc etc, and all they do is give me meds and send me on my way. My CPN never really made an effort and one doctor I saw humiliated me. I don't want to go back to that again. In some way I have accepted that one day my life may end at my own hand.

I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know why I feel like this. People ask my why I'm so depressed, and I can't give them an answer. So, so lost!

Hi, LostBoy! Maybe there is no reason other than the fact that you have an illness. If it was gone for a while and now it's back you could take a look through our Bipolar Disorder forum too, but remember that we can't give you a diagnosis or anything.
Your son needs you and you have to stay alive for him. That psych had no right to humilliate you. It's happened to me too. If you are feeling so low, you should keep looking for a good one, though. Somebody you can talk to. It can't be impossible to find. You've got this place too now.