What do you want from life?

I'm just wondering if any of the other depressed people here feel like I do. I've been depressed since puberty and I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore, but thats not the point. I have no goals in life, I have no ambition what so ever.

If I could snap my fingers and change anything about my self or about the world, could go anywhere or do anything imaginable... I would do nothing. Of course if I could, I would have money and a big house but they would just be means to the end of sitting on my ass waiting to die, they wouldn't make me happy. I feel like nothing could ever make me happy.

I don't want to be rich and successful or popular or famous. When I really think about it, the only thing I can say that I truely want is oblivion. Which is why I sleep 14 hours a day and am either drunk or stoned the other 10 hours.

Thinking about my depression logically I feel that there is no hope of it ever getting better as nothing could make me happy. I have no problems to fix. By any standards I've had a wonderful privalaged life with a family that loves me, I was gifted with all the potential I could ever hope to throw away.

I guess my point is what do I do when there is nothing I want to do?

You never mentioned your age - Are you retired? If you sleep 14 hours per day I'm assuming you aren't employed. Anyway, if you've nothing that you particularly want to do in your life, then you should go look for something to do. I don't know how you've lived your life but perhaps you are one of those people who are apathetic and just do things as they come to you. As such, you may have never taken control of your life yourself. Maybe now is the time to do just that.

Kevin.

Heh... I'm only 20. I dropped out of college and never got a job and I live in my parent's basement.

I've been looking for something to do my whole life. And I am very apathetic. You're right on the money, my motto has always been to take things as they come. There are a lot of things that trouble me, but I don't exactly worry about anything. Because I really don't care about anything.

It does kind of feel like I've never taken control of my life, but that is also because I don't care. If I really took control of my life, the only thing I can think to do with it is to end it.

Okay, but surely you have interests. For many of us, life is about making a career out of our interests. That is why I dropped-out of control in the final year ofa four year degree in Computer Science to start a new course doing something I love: Biology.

The problem is that I really don't.

On the days that I can't afford to fry my brain with some random chemical I'll read or play video games. The goal is essentially the same though. I loathe reality so when I can't distort it with drugs I try to escape it in fantasy.

I don't really enjoy it either. When I was younger I was all into video games and when I was in highschool I read all the time but now I can't get into either. The last book I bought has been siting on the shelf, only 1/4 read. Every time I try playing a video game I give up in disgust after half an hour of not enjoying it.

When I was growing up my dad absolutely hated his job. All the time he used to tell me that what ever I did with my life, make it something I enjoy and that is all that matters. Unfortunatly I've yet to find somebody who will pay me to sleep and get stoned and watch porn.

Bad grammar/spelling, lack of creativity, and being very self concious of anything I create keeps me from being a writer. So I thought(and was told by all my family and teachers) make video games! So that is what I persued. I took every class offered at my highschool involving computers, when I went to college I was undeclared for my only year but I took all the intro computer classes. And I was good at it, I was really damn good at it. Programming comes so incredibly naturally to me the head of the computer sicence department in highschool called me a lazy prodigy. I blew through all my classes in 1/3 of the time of everyone else and slept for the rest of the time. I was good at it and I loved video games so it seems like a natural choice for a career to persue right? I used to enjoy playing video games, making video games is not playing them. Programming is so incredibly boring and tedious. I absolutely hated it.



I feel bad about making this thread. I feel like I will shoot down anything anybody says.

So what if you "shoot down" anything anyone says in this thread - That doesn't mean I am suddenly going to stop trying. I did programming too, by the way, and hated it. It's a miserable art and I have so much bad memories of doing Computer Science at university. I think you may very well have mentioned your problem in your last message though: Drugs.

You take them to ease your boredom and pain (or whatever you want to call it), yet they may very well be the reason why you have no apparent interests and are (I gather) depressed. I don't know exactly what drugs you are taking but I do know that prolonged use of some drugs can "rot" the brain, to quote one luckles chap I met in the psychiatric hospital.

Kevin.

Don't you feel like getting naked with a girl? That's a good thing to want out of life.

Chucky- I know the drugs aren't good for me but I don't really think they are the root problem. I remember my life before I started to use drugs, it sucked ass. I had no friends and before I first began to use drugs my depression was at it's first 'peak', I really think I was close to suicide. The drugs are just a way to deal with the depression. I take anything I can get my hands on, cocaine/crack, heroin, pot, acid, extacy, anything. I don't actually do any one substance often enough to develop an addiction to it, which I suppose is better than getting hardcore hooked on something. I do drugs because my life doesn't seem so bad when I'm too ###$ up to think about it. I know I'm rotting my brain, but I don't really care. Every time I take something dangerous I wonder if it will kill me, it doesn't really bother me so I shrug and take it anyway.

Parador- Yea it would be nice, but I doubt it will ever happen. I've given up hope on love and I don't really have much desire for it anymore. Physical satisfaction I can get from my hand or from a hooker.

I'm a firm believer that what people write here on this website is exaggerated a lot of the time. Is your life really as bad as you are portraying it to be? Sometimes I think I'm the worst-off person in the world but, by spending some time thinking, I realise that I'm actually quite well-off. To me, it feels horrible though.


So, take the view of someone else looking at your life and try to see if things are really as bad as you say they are.

You've already said in your first message that if you could snap your fingers and change things, you wouldn't. So, you're either happy with the way things are or you're afraid to change things and are comfortable in your present routines.

Kevin.

CV,

Chucky is giving you sound advice.
You did say that you would change nothing.