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This dreadful certainty

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This dreadful certainty

Postby Johei » Sat Jan 18, 2020 2:34 am

I’m not sure where to post this, but this seems to be as good a place as any.

I’m turning 43 next month, and that makes it 30 years that I have felt hurt, angry, but most of all tired, so, so tired.
I know that most of the pain and fatigue is caused by childhood abuse, and started EMDR therapy last year. The problem is that I’m autistic, and have a photographic memory.
For most people, the effects of EMDR radiate out towards other traumatic memories, but in my case, they don’t.
The one thing the therapy has given me is this dreadful certainty;

I can’t spend eternity in therapy, and I can’t live another 30 years like this.
Waking up every day, and igniting in rage, or collapsing with grief within 20 minutes, unable to cry, trapped in myself, never really connecting with anyone because I’m just… blocked.
I’m certainly considering asking what my options for euthanasia are at this point, but I’m afraid there aren’t any for someone my age with no physical ailments.
I don’t want to leave my family and friends, but I can’t go on, the pain just won’t come out.
Anyone who has struggled with this, how do I let go of the pain?
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Re: This dreadful certainty

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:36 am

You're describing a very a complex situation.
I hope you also posted something like this in the ASD, AS, (if applicable, one of the abuse) and PTSD subforums so that it gets visibility, and hopefully, some feedback.
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Re: This dreadful certainty

Postby Wally58 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 11:33 am

Training the mind to unlearn and rewrite the past is a huge undertaking. If EMDR doesn't seem to be effective, I would pursue other possible options with your doctor and therapist.
I hope that you find an answer, maybe redoing the beginning of the new day when this trauma all begins again.
Best of luck to you. :D
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