Can't I go back in time?

I'm not even sure I'm depressed, so sorry if I'm posting on the wrong forum, here. I could well be simply lazy and miserable - a bit of a shirker, afriad of hard work, etc etc.

For ages, I thought I'd always felt like this. I'm not particularly miserable all the time - I can still have fun, smile, show off, be playful. Trouble is, once the music stops, and my dance partner has walked away, I'm back in this hole.

I feel hopeless - I'm at university, studying design - or i WAS - I'm on summer break at the moment - and doing resits. At the end of last year, I went through a phase where I had decided the whole thing was pointless - I had no friends - I hadn't learned to dance, yet. I'd lost a great job because of my failing motivation and my best friend decided she hated me. Suddenly, I couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning, washing was no more than a waste of money, cooking for myself and eating was a waste of time, and I couldn't bring myself to go to lectures. If my best friend hated me - who else did?? (I mean - nearly everything i saw meant my housemates were plotting to make me really ill anyway) Soon I decided that life itself was pointless and began to make suicidal gestures - research, etc. it never actually got as far as an attempt.

I'm not so bad now - though I'm still feeling low, I feel I've won that battle. Though I'm under no illusions that there won't be others.

It wasn't always so bad - I used to get good grades, get my assignments in on time, work whilst I was at work. I didn't care that I had few friends - I had people to talk to, that's all that mattered. That's all I want back. I want to be able to do my uni work, to get my assignments in on time, have the energy to work whilst I'm at work (though one could put that down to not being paid enough!) and I don't want to have to force myself into the shower every morning!. How can I do that??

Hey,

To get your life back in order you're already making a good move right now by coming here and posting. It was not but three years ago that I was in a similar situation and ended-up leaving my course in the final year of it. However, I managed to get things back on track and - this September - I will be going back to finish that course.

So, if you needa break, then take it. You are allowed to defer courses for a year. That would mean that people who you no longer need, move-on. It also means that you can form friendships with new people. Regarding your best friend, well, I always say that nothing lasts forever and it is wrong to expect them to. With that in mind; you can always get a new best friend; they come and go as we ourselves change.


I'll be here if you need me.

Take care,
Kevin.

Thanks for the advice, Chucky . Like I said, that part of my life is over. I have a new best friend, and I'm determined that I at least WANT to go back in October.

My problem is motivation. I'm not sure wether it's a leftover from the time when I was at my lowest - it seemed to be there before it and slowly build as I got more and more down. I'm getting to the stage again, where I see personal hygiene as a waste of time and money, and although I can still MAKE myself get out of bed most days, some it still seems too pointless.

My point was, though that I don't want to have to MAKE myself get out of bed in the morning, or MAKE myself do work that, actually, I DO want to do. I want to breeze through life like some people do - woring hard as a matter of course - rather than working hard to get myself to work at all! I used to be able to do that!

Your last paragraph would indicate to me that you are simplt thinking too much about things. I like to say that thinking is a bad habit. Well, excessive thinking certainly is. You don't HAVE TO shower and you don't HAVE TO do work. You can, however, let htem permeate through your life gracefully - i.e. you shower when you feel it is needed and you work only so much as is needed. Do not pay them much attention though... ...

... ...just let your body decide, not your mind.