Help please!

Hi there. I am a bit confused about my boyfriends behaviour at the moment and think it could be depression. The reason I am confused is that me, my mum and brother all suffer from depression and my boyfriends symptoms arent really like ours. However, he has been down due to lots of things going wrong in both of our lives but this has made him more anger and bad tempered than sad. He is also very confused and doesnt know what he wants and says he cant imagine what will happen in the future anymore. He broke up with me a while back without a reason, apart from saying he didnt know what he wants. We are back together after a few months apart but he is now overcome with guilt because he feels he hurt me for no reason. He thought the problem was me but now thinks it is him. After I sat him down and tried to talk to him, he burst into tears and was quite hysterical, although he never cries normally. He has also been suffering from headaches and feeling sick and faint. He is generally healthy and eats well. He isnt obviously down most of the time, isnt more tired than normal and is carrying on his everyday life like normal. So are anger, short temper, confusion and imagining a bleak future symptoms of depression? I cant think of anything else. Sorry Ive written so much! Any help/info would be greatly appreciated.

Hey,


It sounds like depression alright but if this is left untreated, it could develop into clinical depression. The bleak future is something that is especially worrying - Many of us need something to aim for in life. When that goes it's difficult to remain content.


This might also sound harsh but you may not be helping the situation by trying to help him. After a break-up it is my view that contact should cease; full-stop. What has happened here is, in my opinion, a factor in prolonging his depression. He needs a clean break from you and, by getting back together, his emotions are being taken on a sharply undulating rollercoaster ride.


These words are spoken from experience so if they do not apply to you then forgive me for being so blunt.


Take care Superstar,
Kevster

Hey, thanks for your reply, and dont worry about sounding harsh. I do agree to a certain extent, and when we broke up I did try to cut all contact but he wouldnt do it and then wanted to be back with me again. Its not like Ive made it impossible for him to leave etc, it was his decision. Well thanks for your take on this anyway x

You called him your "boy-friend", not your "ex-boyfriend"...

Sounds like it's unclear if relationship is on or off. That's OK.

I think Chucky's right about YOUR attempts to help him are not what he needs.

I've been someplace close to where your BF seems to be... and it's generally harder for guys to find words to communicate about feelings. Even hard for them to proceed to get help. But it does sound to me like he could benefit from a compassionate counselor who could help get a male to start talking about the feelings.

I don't know what National Health system is like regarding counseling, but I think the greatest help for him now is to connect him with a qualified professional so he can pour out ALL (not having to worry about hurting you when spilling guts).

Good luck!

nola wrote:I do agree to a certain extent, and when we broke up I did try to cut all contact but he wouldnt do it and then wanted to be back with me again.

You have to take the lead and cease contact. If he is really as bad as you say he is, then he won't be thinking clearly and will pursue your attention even though it [may] ultimately make him worse.


As LoveQuiet has also stated, I have been in your boyfriends situation before too and the break-up just kept dragging on and on. It resulted in a suicide attempt by - firstly - her, and then by me. I have also been on your side and I know definately that you are the one that needs to take control because you are the one that is most likely to be thinking clearly.


Depression can cloud the brain.


Kevin

Chucky wrote:You have to take the lead and cease contact.

That could be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak,
and provokes suicidal behaviour. I don't think you can generalise
and apply personal experience to a different case with different
people. Judging by the description, the first priority at this point
should be to address the depression by seeking professional help.

Sure, that may be true. I hate these types of situations: you don't want to be too harsh but you don't want to be too kind either. It often results in moods going up and down on both sides with no real progress.


My 'break-up' that I mentioned lasted about 18 months and only ended a few weeks ago. I was extraordinarily harsh but it had to stop.


Kevin.

I did say in my first message that we are back together, which is why I called him my boyfriend and not my ex. Most of the time things seem like they used to, he just has bad spells. And he has talked to me about what is bothering him, but he doesnt know what to do about it, which is why I agree he should talk to a professional. We are both going through a tough time, as I already have depression, so I cant think much clearer than he can! He acts like he really needs me often, and I know I need him too, so Im not gonna break up with him over this. I just wanted to know if his symptoms were of depression or not, and you have given me an answer for that, so thank you.

Hey,

You're welcome; and thanks for getting back to us. I'm aware that we overanalysed what was going on but I wish you luck for the future. I didn't know that you were also depressed.


Take care,
Kevin.

Thanks, I wish you luck in the future too. I did say in my first message that I suffer from depression too, but never mind!