I have no hope anymore... *TW*

Sorry for wall of text. I have no one to talk about this.

I realized a few months ago I've been living with a narcissist and probably a sociopath friend. I moved together with him to a place in the woods because the place I was living before was a toxic family relationship with a psychologically abusive mother.

I'm depressed and suicidal. I have treatment resistant depression and the only thing that sometimes avoids suicide is lithium, which I don't have access at the moment because I live in a third world country where the only place where I could get meds and proper assistance have two psychiatrists and both of them are on vacation (so, if someone needs mental health there, it is going to be bad for that person).

So, back to my friend. He is acting very passive aggressively to the point of lying about me to everyone who is near us, making me look like a monster. We are at the moment living at his stepmother's country house (it's a long story why I'm there now, but I can explain in another comment), only the both of us. In the beginning it was OK but soon I was realizing some behavior patterns that lead me to the conclusion that he might be a sociopath. A few months ago, he even said to me he manipulate people into doing what he wants. He mentioned a time where his girlfriend (at the time) was sick and he went to the grocery store to buy things for him but decided to buy her candy so she could be happy and have sex with him, and how well he planned everything because it worked. He also said he betrayed his wife for the ten years they were married. He missed work to pay prostitutes and used the money to pay bills to pay them, while his wife ended up paying all their bills and financially supporting her. One of his long date friends told me what his wife went through when she was with him, and that made me realize that cancer can come from toxic relationships. She developed cervical cancer and died. When she was sick, he was still paying for prostitutes, with her money. It is unnerving for me to talk more about the things he did. And seeing him feel no remorse for anything bothers and worries me a lot. And I know he is manipulating and trying to manipulate me, and the lying about me came after I showed him I was aware of what was going on.

The thing is I don't know what to do. I haven't been eating well, I haven't been having any motivation to go out and take a walk so I can be distant from him and that environment. I try, everyday I try. I have reminders at my phone. I have apps about cognitive behavioral therapy so I can keep track of my thought patterns and emotions, and ground me and everything else. I try to relax. I meditate. Sometimes they help, most of the times, they don't. I try to write, I try to work on craft things, like crochet and other things to sell to have an income (I have zero income right now). But I live 30km from any city and transportation is once in a week, and it is not cheap, so I am trapped there.

My sister who doesn't know my situation where I'm living knows the situation of my parent's house, and offered me to spend some time at her house, that is thousands of miles distant from me. She offered to pay for the plane ticket. Her husband is an alcoholic and he rarely gives his kids attention, and it is sad to see my sister in such situation, but I know there is also nothing I can do to help her. And here is the thing: I have been doing a braces treatment for my teeth, it is a complicated treatment that will require surgery (surgeries will begin on October, hopefully), and I need to go to my hometown every month. Since I have no friends here, I stay at my parents. But my mother is going to severe mental problems, from delirium to psychosis and no one in this house wants to do an intervention. And in my country there is no such thing as mental clinics, where you take the person, they will be assisted by doctors and nurses and do therapy and such. Mental clinics here are for drug addicts and that is all. She doesn't want to take medication or therapy and she threatens us to go to the police if we try anything. She is a compulsive manipulative liar and tricks doctors to be diagnosed with diseases so she can get attention (I personally thing the has Munchausen Syndrome). So, there is nothing to be done about my mother, and I need to take care of myself. But I can't handle coming here again.

I also need to go here to do 16 hours of community work. I bought marijuana seeds with the desperate intention to grow for my personal use (I don't smoke weed, I used it once in my life and it helped me immensely, then never again), since I was in severe pain and anxiety and depression at the time and it alleviated a horrible month of pain instantly. Federal police took the package, and the rest is history.

It feels my life is tearing apart. There is no place to get help in this country. There is no way to involve my family. I have no friends. I managed to distance myself from them when I was planning suicide last year, and I don't even have their contacts anymore. Suicide hot lines here are all about "Jesus will comfort your soul" and such. This is not for me. Again, I can't go to a hospital. There are no thing like going to a hospital when you are suicidal in my country. And in the nearby cities the public health care are chaotic, literally, like walls falling over beds, leakages everywhere, boiler rooms exploding from bad maintenance, doctors don't even have alcohol or soap to wash their hands in the biggest hospital in the region. That is the reality around here.

With no money, no safe place to go, no place where I can calm myself without fear and people yelling with me all the time, or someone passive aggressively manipulating everyone around to be against me, I do feel suicide is the only option. I feel trapped.

And yeah, you could say "I'm strong", "This will get better". In 2012 I was in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend that raped and injured me. It hasn't gotten better since. It is only getting worse.

Sometimes I think I'm seeing the situation like a nightmare, seeing my friend as a monster, and I doubt myself if this is all in my mind or if what is happening in the house I'm living and the way he is treating me is actually normal, and if I'm being paranoid about this. But he is controlling my habits in a subtle way. He doesn't yell or fights. He is most of the time silent. But he manages to control everything he wants pretty well, by eating food I buy for me, saying he will pay me later, making debts at the small place that sell some things, and making me feel responsible to pay his debts, among other things. I feel it is clear I'm being manipulated by him, but sometimes, when he is being a kind person, I feel he is not bad. But all i read about narcissists and sociopaths is exactly what he is doing to me. But again, I have no idea of what i can do. I have no power in my hands, no strength, not even will to leave or live.

I also can't go to another place because they are offering simply because I'm in a bad place. I'm in a bad place now exactly because I was in a bad place before and in despair I accepted the offer to be away from a place that was making my depression worse.

Tomorrow is the braces maintenance and then I will travel back to the place I am living. Staying here is much worse. But I have no where else to go.

How are you feeling today?

Sounds as if you need to do whatever you can, a long range plan, to get away from all of this and be out on your own somewhere, sweetie. Away from situations you feel are toxic.

I think I'd give the sister a try, if it were me. At least as a step towards getting away from all of it.