Feeling Stuck, Yet...? (Long)

Firstly, hello to anyone who happens to read this? I'm new here. Just made an account, so I hope I'm doing this (by making a post) right. Maybe I'll just type this up and delete it right after, I dunno. But maybe it'll help to get everything out regardless.

Allllright, so I'm actually starting over. I typed out like this whole life story. Or started to, at least. Then I got lazy and stopped caring enough to elaborate more on the relevant things. Deleted everything, starting over.

I don't know what to do.

My daily life consists of nothing, basically. I browse the internet. That's it. I used to have friends. I used to WANT friends, even through struggling with anxiety and depression. But, with all the withdrawing I've done, all the avoiding I've done (sort of a hikikomori at this point. I don't know what else to call it? A shut in? Anyways, I don't think I'm that severe. I can go outside and stuff), I've become... apathetic. On one hand, I feel like I hate people. Sometimes, there's just so much hate. But I know that there's a lot of good people on this world. I just... don't care anymore? On the other hand, my hate for myself has made me scared to even TRY anymore. Every time, I just let people down. One day I'm talking to them (via texting), and then I completely ignore/avoid them... FOR MONTHS. This has happened too many times... And my closest of friends were so understanding, so patient. They'd forgive me when I was ready to talk to them again. But I'm scared now. I feel I don't have the right anymore. I know (KNOW) that if I try to get close to them again, I'll just cut them off with no explanation time and time and again. So I feel constricted. Like I'm physically unable to bring myself to contact anyone anymore. My social life now is my mother. And living vicariously through other people on the internet. And my imagination. I'm really addicted to daydreaming, ever since I was young. Now it's an escape.

I have no ambition. No want or desire for anything but an out? And, no I'm not suicidal. But, I wish I was, in a matter of speaking. I don't want to die, but I want death. I am too afraid of pain (and the high chance of not succeeding) to even attempt to PLAN a suicide. But I am eternally bitter at the fact that it feels like life is forced upon me. I want nothing. Life is not living.

I don't even feel like I'm suffering from depression anymore, strangely. I don't know how to explain it other than I don't CARE or WANT anymore in the long-term. And I don't know what to do. I'm useless. And I don't even want to be of use. It's like I'm content. But I'm not. I'm just stuck. And I've just started crying, I just realized that I want help and don't know how to ask for it because at the end of the day I know I'm lazy and I'll fail.

ANYWAYS, what's a person to do, when all they want is to be nothing at all? I don't know why I made this account or post even. I know no one can help me if I'm not going to help myself. No one on the internet is going to magically make me. Eh, if anyone has read this, thank you very much. I'm sorry about this conclusionless post.

I would suggest reading the autobiography of Stephen Hawking. Here is a man who, while being a genius, was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease and given two years to live. He struggled with depression for a brief time, but overcame it and, beyond all expectations, has survived to the ripe old age of 72.

Why?

Because he has found a meaning for his life, which is finding the Theory of Everything. It sounds like something complicated, but it isn't. He has a single thing he wishes to achieve and that single thing drives him, gives him purpose and hope and helps him carry on. The more you find a purpose to life, the better you become and the longer you live.

Find something you're good at, if you can't think of anything, try new things. And once you've found something you're good at, make it your meaning in life - your purpose. Succeed at it.

Be successful.

The word 'success' to the average person means earning a lot of money and having a home, two cars, children in college. Success to me is entirely different to what success is to the average person. Success is being a successful human being in terms of pursuing what you believe in. If you believe in making paintings, writing poetry, writing music, activism - If this is what you really want, you're successful to yourself. But to be successful to your culture means to sell yourself short of what you really want.

The victim should have the right to end his life, if he wants. But I think it would be a great mistake. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope. - Stephen Hawking.

Eisenheim the Great wrote:I would suggest reading the autobiography of Stephen Hawking. Here is a man who, while being a genius, was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease and given two years to live. He struggled with depression for a brief time, but overcame it and, beyond all expectations, has survived to the ripe old age of 72.

Why?

Because he has found a meaning for his life, which is finding the Theory of Everything. It sounds like something complicated, but it isn't. He has a single thing he wishes to achieve and that single thing drives him, gives him purpose and hope and helps him carry on. The more you find a purpose to life, the better you become and the longer you live.

Find something you're good at, if you can't think of anything, try new things. And once you've found something you're good at, make it your meaning in life - your purpose. Succeed at it.

Be successful.

The word 'success' to the average person means earning a lot of money and having a home, two cars, children in college. Success to me is entirely different to what success is to the average person. Success is being a successful human being in terms of pursuing what you believe in. If you believe in making paintings, writing poetry, writing music, activism - If this is what you really want, you're successful to yourself. But to be successful to your culture means to sell yourself short of what you really want.

The victim should have the right to end his life, if he wants. But I think it would be a great mistake. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope. - Stephen Hawking.

"Be successful."

But why? Let's just put aside the fact that I'm no good at most things, let alone good at /attempting/ things. Let's say that "success" for someone like me could be the effort in itself.

Is it really success when it's not a goal in the first place? I used to enjoy drawing. Now I don't. I used to enjoy photography (as a hobby), and had been complimented on it by others. Now I don't care. No enjoyment, not to mention I don't care for effort.

The only things I enjoy now are browsing the internet, and maybe one or two games that I have on my phone. Not exactly something that makes me think, "Wow, I'd really miss this if I was gone." (And I don't exactly believe in any sort of afterlife as it is, so those kinds of thoughts don't even happen.)

Maybe I could find something that I want to succeed in in the future. But I don't want to. The thought literally makes me feel something akin to... anger? I don't know how to explain it. It's like being dead has somehow become this "not f***ing fair, why can't I?" kinda thing. Comes from a very childish place, it seems. Not that I'm very emotionally mature at all to begin with. I feel stuck emotionally, like I'm forever 16 in my feelings. And it's like I know I'll never grow out of that, and that any happiness I do manage to find in my life will be ruined by me, my depression, my immaturity, whatever. Life is, by default, hard, I know that. Some people feel weak, like they can't handle life. I do feel that, but most of all I don't even WANT to handle life. So, success to me? Not being alive. Funny how that works, considering I'm doing nothing to achieve that "goal" per se.

And I feel I've lost the one thing that might have "saved" me? The desire to form relationships. The desire to be in a loving relationship. I used to have that. Now the thought of someone loving me makes me angry, and miserable. Daydreaming about finding love (or anything, really), I always have to imagine "myself" as someone else, a made up person with a different life. Even something as simple as imagining having a friend. I can't bare to even IMAGINE myself in any positive situation because it makes me feel grossed out because I know the things don't add up. But it's like, "You know what? It's better this way. At least now you don't want it for yourself, and you won't be hurt by the fact that you'd ruin everything anyways." Deep down, I'm so disgusted by myself that I want to end everything about me. Plus, I've not much faith in this world tbh.

I'm sorry, at this point I'm just ranting. Lately, I've been feeling so bad again. It was so okay for a while. Not good, but at least not so upset and bitter. And I'm overseas. Even if we did have the money to get help for me again, it'd just be talk to doctor about symptoms one or two times -> get meds -> try adjusting meds, all the while the doctor offers vague advice on how to get on my feet (I don't speak the language well enough to have deep conversation about that type of thing) -> keep taking meds while being stuck at that one level.

I wish I could find a therapist. Someone who could help me long term. ...I don't even get myself anymore. What do I even want? To not exist, or to have a connection with... someone...? But no one's ever gonna be good enough. I'm just so angry and hypercritical of everyone else. I'll never be good enough. I don't want to be good enough...?

"While there's life, there is hope."

It's the hope that I hate. Things would be so peaceful if I was just completely devoid of it.

...I'm sorry. I hope I'm talking to myself at this point, 'cause this reply is just stupid. I'm just so sorry.

Arrgh I'm so frustrated with myself right now. I'm sorry about that response, I kind of wish I hadn't entered it. I can't go back at the moment to edit it because I'm a new member. currently fighting with myself on whether or not I should delete the thread all together (if that's possible even).

I don't know, my emotions lol. Blehhhh. Thank you for the well-meaning response, Eisenheim. I'll try to at least keep what you have said in mind.

Edit: Okay, so you /can't/ delete threads or edit posts usually. Guess I should have read EVERYTHING before making an account. Meh, hopefully this gets buried I guess eventually?

It's okay to express yourself however you want.

You're confusing the word 'success' to the word 'excellent'. You don't have to be good at what you choose to do, you simply have to enjoy doing it. If you enjoy painting, even if you think you're no good, do it anyway and you are being successful to yourself.

There's thousands of hobbies you can engage in, I recently took up fencing (for exercise) thinking I wouldn't like it, and would be no good at it. I am no good at fencing, but I rather enjoy doing it so I continue to engage in it. I am a reasonable guitar player. I am no virtuoso. I am at best average, but I play guitar because I enjoy doing it.

Does this make sense so far?